Tag: MINNESOTA

  • They Ask Me Why I Drink & Then They Tell Me What They Think

    They Ask Me Why I Drink & Then They Tell Me What They Think

    Kenneth • Have you no shame, man? 

    Kal • Nope, none, no need for it. 

    Ken • You’re pissing in my yard, on my gladioli, at 3 o’clock in the morning.

    Kal • Yep. 

    Ken • What do you mean, ‘Yep’. 

    Kal • I mean yep, I’m pissin  in your yard – would you rather I pissed on your porch? 

    Ken • Are you drunk? 

    Kal • Yep. 

    Ken • Oh my god, what is wrong with you? 

    Kal • Well, whether it’s technically wrong I can’t say but I drink too much beer a lot of times, which makes a guy have to piss a lot: I’m manic depressive with a healthy side of anxiety- I got real bad ADHD, so bad my ADHD has ADHD; my septum got deviated when I was a younger fella so I’ve had snoring issues exacerbated by seasonal allergies & beer – the hoppy beers really do a number on my sinuses; I’ve had acid reflux since I could crawl, also exacerbated by alcohol & cigarettes & caffeine & sugar but I’ll get a case of it from drinking water; my stress levels are considered unhealthy, like standing down wind from a forest fire just breathing it in; I get Costochondritis pretty regular & randomly experience episodes of back spasms that register 70 on a scale of 1-10 – my whole body locks up, like early onset rigor mortis- lungs can’t even let air in or out, feels a lot like being stabbed 1,000 x a second & it’ll last 5, 10, 20 seconds, normally, might happen 4,5,6 times in a couple minute period, then go into hiding for 5-6 hours before popping out again; this can go on for a day or 2 & as long as a week, & the only medication that’s ever really helped is considered too dangerous cuz it can cause addiction issues but hell, I’ll take addiction over that shit any day; 

    Ken • Jesus, how are you even alive… you are alive, aren’t you?

    Kal • far as I know I am but I haven’t asked anyone recently, you might be onto something. Anyway, I haven’t had a good nights’ sleep since before the Donald’s decision to reignite the Confederacy’s drive to “do it again”. 

    Ken • Sorry, the Donald? the Confederacy? 

    Kal • Yeah, not the Duck, and not the Dunces – well, I guess the Dunces are implicated in recent events, and I’ve got the flattest feet in Maryland, according to my old podiatrist, he used to play with Jesus when they were kids, so I moved to Minnesota & stopped visiting podiatrists, still got flat feet but I don’t talk about it now; I’ve got a mitral valve prolapse condition which keeps my resting heart rate fairly elevated & my elevated heart rate at Mach 1; I spend too much time worrying about what other people think, though far less than I did 10 years ago, my bucket-o-fucks-to-give is empty, ran out last October; I empathize a great deal, like way more than what’s considered healthy by professional empaths – which makes people wonder how such a thing is possible for someone who’s all out of fucks-to-give, it seems contradictory at best and generally an impossibility if existing on the same plane, but it’s not impossible, not even difficult anymore, they’ve learned how to coexist within the anterior cingulate cortex – I credit cats with teaching me how to navigate that series of complex conditional responses, I lost my sense of direction once and ended up in Florida, won’t make that mistake again 

    Ken • What’s wrong with Florida? 

    Kal • Wish I knew cuz I’d try and help’em fix it, might just be karma for how they treat the manatees 

    Ken • Manatees? What’ve they got to do with it? 

    Kal • Boaters keep hitting ‘em, and climate change, pollution, stress, it’s making it harder for them to survive, Florida’s the culprit, not “Florida Man”, mind you, Florida, the whole State 

    Ken • Oh, I see, well, maybe the manatees could be placed in a safe location where there are no boats 

    Kal • Yeah, sure, maybe, and monkeys might fly out of my butt 

    Ken •  Oh, yes, I suppose it would be difficult to herd manatees 

    Kal • yeah, manatee herding is no longer taught in the public schools, one more reason to privatize education

    Ken • Wait, what about the cat herders, couldn’t they do it? 

    Kal •  If they weren’t all retired, I suppose they could, but the youngest one just turned 75, they’re all living in Japan, running cat cafés, interesting dudes

    Ken • I’ll say, I didn’t realize cat’s went out to eat

    Kal • Oh sure, they love it, crab cocktail with fresh nip, claw-n-eat shrimp, Salmon sake pâté shooters, raw tuna terrine in lobster butter broth, it’s basically fine dining for cats

    Ken • My, that sounds delicious, now I’m hungry, would you care to join me for an early breakfast? Eggs Royale and champagne sounds good – how about it? 

    Kal • I could eat – just let me finish pissin’

  • Supporting The Arts: More Important than Flossing

    Supporting The Arts: More Important than Flossing

    The Arts – all of them, provide us with emotional support, spiritual comfort, physical rejuvenation, and the mental strength to face pretty much whatever the world throws at us. Flossing, on the other hand, promotes gum health, removes corn detritus, assists mouthwash with keeping your breath from stanking, and prevents coworkers and friends from pointing out the green pop of color embedded in your teeth. Both important, but one far more crucial than the other.
    If you’ve ever cried while watching the EDS Cat Herders commercial (created by Fallon), you know the importance of supporting the arts. If you sing along to songs in languages you are not fluent in, you know the importance of supporting the arts. If you’ve ever stared at bathroom stall poetry in a rancid dive-bar latrine and wondered, “what exactly do they mean by ‘good time’?”, you know the importance of supporting the arts. The arts are; much like You are; I am; she is. They exist independent of everything and yet, they are interconnected with every fiber of the universe.

    Art gives meaning, gives hope, gives inspiration, and sometimes provides an impetus for self-reflection & introspection. Art also brings us together, in support of something, or against another thing, or to celebrate, or grieve, or just be. It is art that first gave naming rights to clay wine vessels. Long before “The Bank“, Greek Gods were purchasing entire pottery studios in order to get their names painted on the earthenware that would hold the best wine. Aphrodite’s Awesome A++ Assyrtiko and Dionysus’ Deconstructed Drunken Debauchery were but 2 of the more famous amphora marketing ploys. And without this critical step in the world of advertising, we’d never have the iconic Guaranteed Rate Field – what a shame that would be.

    Without the Arts and without art, our world is nothing more than a magma infused orb assigned to breeding ground status for mosquitoes, sand fleas, and flying tarantulas. Support local arts. Support local artists. Support the people who make the protest songs and signs – they put themselves out there never knowing what awaits. For your community, for your city, for your fellow humans in the struggle – Donate, Give, Support. Local organizations re: Juxtaposition Arts, Springboard for the Arts, and Northeast MPLS Arts Association, in addition to many others, provide the space and mentorship that is otherwise lacking. There’s no time like the present to show your support for the community, the country, and the world.

    Thanks for reading and being a part of the local arts community. We appreciate you and we love your style!!

  • Arctic Ocean’s Torpical Region & The Rat Islands

    Arctic Ocean’s Torpical Region & The Rat Islands