Minneapolis Alleys have some of the most beautiful flower scapes. Wildflowers, wild roses, sunflowers, daisies, and many other varietals dot the otherwise gray shades of cement and siding. The most prominent, however, are the lillies. The alley behind Diamond Lake Gardens has scores of Tiger Lillies and one grouping of Pink Asiatic Lillies – they are magnificent!
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Kenneth • Have you no shame, man?
Kal • Nope, none, no need for it.
Ken • You’re pissing in my yard, on my gladioli, at 3 o’clock in the morning.
Kal • Yep.
Ken • What do you mean, ‘Yep’.
Kal • I mean yep, I’m pissin in your yard – would you rather I pissed on your porch?
Ken • Are you drunk?
Kal • Yep.
Ken • Oh my god, what is wrong with you?
Kal • Well, whether it’s technically wrong I can’t say but I drink too much beer a lot of times, which makes a guy have to piss a lot: I’m manic depressive with a healthy side of anxiety- I got real bad ADHD, so bad my ADHD has ADHD; my septum got deviated when I was a younger fella so I’ve had snoring issues exacerbated by seasonal allergies & beer – the hoppy beers really do a number on my sinuses; I’ve had acid reflux since I could crawl, also exacerbated by alcohol & cigarettes & caffeine & sugar but I’ll get a case of it from drinking water; my stress levels are considered unhealthy, like standing down wind from a forest fire just breathing it in; I get Costochondritis pretty regular & randomly experience episodes of back spasms that register 70 on a scale of 1-10 – my whole body locks up, like early onset rigor mortis- lungs can’t even let air in or out, feels a lot like being stabbed 1,000 x a second & it’ll last 5, 10, 20 seconds, normally, might happen 4,5,6 times in a couple minute period, then go into hiding for 5-6 hours before popping out again; this can go on for a day or 2 & as long as a week, & the only medication that’s ever really helped is considered too dangerous cuz it can cause addiction issues but hell, I’ll take addiction over that shit any day;
Ken • Jesus, how are you even alive… you are alive, aren’t you?
Kal • far as I know I am but I haven’t asked anyone recently, you might be onto something. Anyway, I haven’t had a good nights’ sleep since before the Donald’s decision to reignite the Confederacy’s drive to “do it again”.
Ken • Sorry, the Donald? the Confederacy?
Kal • Yeah, not the Duck, and not the Dunces – well, I guess the Dunces are implicated in recent events, and I’ve got the flattest feet in Maryland, according to my old podiatrist, he used to play with Jesus when they were kids, so I moved to Minnesota & stopped visiting podiatrists, still got flat feet but I don’t talk about it now; I’ve got a mitral valve prolapse condition which keeps my resting heart rate fairly elevated & my elevated heart rate at Mach 1; I spend too much time worrying about what other people think, though far less than I did 10 years ago, my bucket-o-fucks-to-give is empty, ran out last October; I empathize a great deal, like way more than what’s considered healthy by professional empaths – which makes people wonder how such a thing is possible for someone who’s all out of fucks-to-give, it seems contradictory at best and generally an impossibility if existing on the same plane, but it’s not impossible, not even difficult anymore, they’ve learned how to coexist within the anterior cingulate cortex – I credit cats with teaching me how to navigate that series of complex conditional responses, I lost my sense of direction once and ended up in Florida, won’t make that mistake again
Ken • What’s wrong with Florida?
Kal • Wish I knew cuz I’d try and help’em fix it, might just be karma for how they treat the manatees
Ken • Manatees? What’ve they got to do with it?
Kal • Boaters keep hitting ‘em, and climate change, pollution, stress, it’s making it harder for them to survive, Florida’s the culprit, not “Florida Man”, mind you, Florida, the whole State
Ken • Oh, I see, well, maybe the manatees could be placed in a safe location where there are no boats
Kal • Yeah, sure, maybe, and monkeys might fly out of my butt
Ken • Oh, yes, I suppose it would be difficult to herd manatees
Kal • yeah, manatee herding is no longer taught in the public schools, one more reason to privatize education
Ken • Wait, what about the cat herders, couldn’t they do it?
Kal • If they weren’t all retired, I suppose they could, but the youngest one just turned 75, they’re all living in Japan, running cat cafés, interesting dudes
Ken • I’ll say, I didn’t realize cat’s went out to eat
Kal • Oh sure, they love it, crab cocktail with fresh nip, claw-n-eat shrimp, Salmon sake pâté shooters, raw tuna terrine in lobster butter broth, it’s basically fine dining for cats
Ken • My, that sounds delicious, now I’m hungry, would you care to join me for an early breakfast? Eggs Royale and champagne sounds good – how about it?
Kal • I could eat – just let me finish pissin’
The Arts – all of them, provide us with emotional support, spiritual comfort, physical rejuvenation, and the mental strength to face pretty much whatever the world throws at us. Flossing, on the other hand, promotes gum health, removes corn detritus, assists mouthwash with keeping your breath from stanking, and prevents coworkers and friends from pointing out the green pop of color embedded in your teeth. Both important, but one far more crucial than the other.
If you’ve ever cried while watching the EDS Cat Herders commercial (created by Fallon), you know the importance of supporting the arts. If you sing along to songs in languages you are not fluent in, you know the importance of supporting the arts. If you’ve ever stared at bathroom stall poetry in a rancid dive-bar latrine and wondered, “what exactly do they mean by ‘good time’?”, you know the importance of supporting the arts. The arts are; much like You are; I am; she is. They exist independent of everything and yet, they are interconnected with every fiber of the universe.
Art gives meaning, gives hope, gives inspiration, and sometimes provides an impetus for self-reflection & introspection. Art also brings us together, in support of something, or against another thing, or to celebrate, or grieve, or just be. It is art that first gave naming rights to clay wine vessels. Long before “The Bank“, Greek Gods were purchasing entire pottery studios in order to get their names painted on the earthenware that would hold the best wine. Aphrodite’s Awesome A++ Assyrtiko and Dionysus’ Deconstructed Drunken Debauchery were but 2 of the more famous amphora marketing ploys. And without this critical step in the world of advertising, we’d never have the iconic Guaranteed Rate Field – what a shame that would be.
Without the Arts and without art, our world is nothing more than a magma infused orb assigned to breeding ground status for mosquitoes, sand fleas, and flying tarantulas. Support local arts. Support local artists. Support the people who make the protest songs and signs – they put themselves out there never knowing what awaits. For your community, for your city, for your fellow humans in the struggle – Donate, Give, Support. Local organizations re: Juxtaposition Arts, Springboard for the Arts, and Northeast MPLS Arts Association, in addition to many others, provide the space and mentorship that is otherwise lacking. There’s no time like the present to show your support for the community, the country, and the world.
Thanks for reading and being a part of the local arts community. We appreciate you and we love your style!!
Water Bill getting to be too much? Here’s how you can cut that thing by 75% or more. This isn’t a secret, unless you like secrets; the thing is, most folks assume that they need all kinds of water for all kinds of activities – that ain’t true. If you’re swimming, you probably need water. Flushing a toilet? Water will definitely make it easier. Trying to put out the fire your kid started in the front yard – water is the ticket. Aside from that, you can do without a lot of your water usage. I’ve outlined a number of ways to reduce the speed at which your water meter spins and get the gallon guzzling under control.
1: Stop doing dishes. You’re gonna eat off them again, yes? It’s just food on there, no need to waste water cleaning it when you’ll just get it dirty again. If it’s moldy, windex that shit, wipe with a paper towel and voila! What’s that, you’re not gonna use it again? Throw it away, fuck it.
2: How often are you showering? Anything more than once a month is too much. Oh, you work a job that makes you sweat a lot, that’s ok, use more deodorant, wherever you sweat. Put it on thick, that’ll stop the sweat from escaping those little pores. And if you’re living anywhere that the temperatures drop below 60 degrees for extended periods, you can just seal the shower off, you don’t need to clean up, you’re not that dirty. Maybe go jump in the creek once in a while, cut a hole in the ice if needed, but showering in cold weather is dumb.
3: Hand-washing? Stop! Why? Hand sanitizer, forks, spoons, knives, hammers, wrenches, screwdrivers, rivet-guns, sticks, there’s so many options that don’t require water. I know, I know, hand-washing kills germs – so does Everclear, and it tastes better than soap, trust me on that one. Wash a little, drink a little, I can’t believe this didn’t catch on in the 19th century.
4: Do you have a beautiful green “natural” lawn? Do you live in Phoenix, or Las Vegas, or Los Angeles? Or anywhere else that doesn’t provide for the organic upkeep of a lush emerald patch of earth? Stop watering! Grass grows just fine where it’s supposed to. If it’s not growing fine where you are, don’t try to be a hero and make your lawn beautiful just so the neighbors will feel bad about their patchy brown lot. Rocks are pretty and don’t require watering. Same for dirt, sand, driftwood, “weeds“, and any other shit that doesn’t require you to use water for their upkeep. If you feel the need to beautify the spaces around your home, hire an artist to paint stuff. Artists are really creative and they’ll come up with something that will provide a pleasing aesthetic for anyone passing by. If you’re living in an area classified as arid, semi-arid, or really cold, the idea of green lawns is just stupid. Stop it!
5: Here’s the big one… you don’t need to drink eight glasses of water a day; you don’t even need to drink one glass, you just need to eat more fruit and vegetables and drink more wine and beer. Fruit and veggies are between 80-95% water, approximately. Don’t waste water by filling a glass to drink, eat healthy food and you’ll get all the water you need. Or, if you’re like me, not ready to give up Sourdough, Patty Melts, Kettle Chips, & Chicken Fried Chicken… and not able to handle the volume of fruit/veg in addition to more delicious foods, up your intake of beer and wine. Similar to fruits and veggies, beer and wine are 80-95% water. You don’t need to drink water; tap, bottled, rehydrated, recycled, hydrogenated, dehydrated, semi-arid or any other variety – wine and beer are here for your hydration nation party.
If you need more of an incentive to change your habits, consider this. Farmers rely on water to grow our food (both from the skies and from local aquifers and rivers). Without water that food won’t grow. Without that food, we won’t survive. Without survival of our species, other species will thrive… forget everything I wrote, let the ecosystems have their way, let other species thrive, let earth heal. Our time here is limited, a couple hundred years from now the wolves will ask the caribou, “where’d the weirdos go?” And the caribou will reply, “they faded away – returned to the cosmos to create new stardust”. That seems like an appropriate place to end.
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The site is coming together and I take partial credit, like in high school when you 1/2-assed a homework assignment and the teacher said:
Well, it’s better than nothing, which isn’t saying much, but you gave it a shot, though not a very good shot, in fact if it was a basketball, the ball would have never left your hands… actually, nobody would have passed you the ball in the first place so you wouldn’t even be in the position to consider a shot, unless you were considering somebody else taking a shot, which is maybe what happened here – you got to thinking about your classmate’s doing their homework assignment and figured that because they were going to do a great job you didn’t need to create more work for me, given I already know all about the subject and because you have no immediate plans to work for NASA after graduation. And for that consideration, I thank you, and give you an 8/57. If you put your name on your paper, next time, I’ll add a couple tree points.
Now for the update
Hey! Everybody… Fuck You I Won’t do what you tell me
Fuck off & Die
you can take your peek-a-fucking-boo & your goochie fucking goo & go fuck yourself
if you don’t stop, I’ll kidney punch you until you piss blood
No! I’m not tired, I’m not sick, and I’m not hungry, I just hate you!
Will you please do me a favor and shut the fuck-up!
Hey, fucker, that’s my fucking cupcake, get your grubby fucking paws off it!
pinch my cheeks, lose a fucking finger
Blow it out your ass, like I do:
Fuck pants & fuck you!
I’ve been screaming for 13 fucking seconds, where the fuck are you? Don’t be mad, just get me a fucking snack, STAT!
I love you, you love me, If you don’t quiet down RIGHT NOW, I’m gonna piss on your head
I don’t give a fuck who you are, back the fuck up
Drop it like it’s hot, no, not me, asshole
Yes, I’m eating sugar from the bag, fuck off
Hair Like Jesus was the name of the original barbershop in Nazareth. It took a while for business to pick-up because most people didn’t find hair styling/cutting to be a worthwhile expenditure. Eventually, maybe a decade before Jesus’ untimely death, the Caesar cut began to make waves throughout the Roman Empire. And while Tiberius didn’t wear this hair style, many of his adjutants and numerous Roman celebrities did. This was the period when the first t-shirts were printed with the JSMH & JCMH labels (Jesus Styles My Hair & Jesus Cuts My Hair). There were also hair-cutting disciples who would set-up pop-up barber stations throughout Judea, Samaria, & Galilee; many of them would hang a sign that read “Cutting Hair For Jesus”. This proved to be the zenith for Jesus’ popularity in the Roman Empire.
Jesus was not the only person to join the new profession. There were a number of high-profile individuals who took up the trade, to include the Holy Spirit. Most of these endeavors were short-(o)lived but there were two who pushed Jesus to constantly up his game. Peter, the disgruntled former trainer and assistant general manager for Pontius Pilate (at Pilate’s Pilates Provisions) cut a mean high and tight and was also very skilled at making curls work with, rather than against, the client’s facial attributes. Whereas the Holy Spirit used techniques that highlighted their spatial-awareness of skulls skill set while creating subtle differences between the stylings and hems of them and Jesus.
There are hundreds of wonderful parables, fables, and historically semi-accurate/articulate stories that give us a closer look at what the hair cutting industry was like during Jesus 1st run on earth. I’ve compiled a short list of some of my favorites, below. Most of these are available online from www.wwjr.bib; or if traveling, you can find brick & mortar sites of What Would Jesus Read: A Genesis of RevelationZ – Book Store, Snack Bar, & Spirits – in New York City, Los Angeles, New Orleans, Chicago, & Baltimore.
Aside from the cutting and styling copycats, a number of professions emerged from the hair biz. Landscape design outfits and nail salons would spring forth seemingly overnight in neighborhood strip malls from Byzantium (Istanbul) to Yathrib (Madinah). Other, more esoteric ventures, e.g. exercise emporiums and makeover takeover palaces, had their 15 minutes of fame before fading away – like Tim Scott post inauguration. I’ve included several of these enterprises after the story section. In all, this period of early business history was less important for what it accomplished than for what it revealed; human nature’s desire for a more pleasing aesthetic goes back millennia. Be it a cut & color, a freshly groomed guinea pig or a well manicured fig tree, we prefer that which is easy on the eyes.
1/2 Truths, Tales, & Unchronicled Notes from the final decade of Christ in Palestine
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Hairy Stories from Jesus’ Barbershop:
•The Truth Behind The Long-Haired Hippie Style of Rōmmies & Why Caesars wore the Caesar cut
•The Hair Sweepers of Ancient Samaria
•Hair Stylist School as Post-Water-Gathering option: Aveda before it was Aveda
•That one time Jesus shaved, #2 – 2nd 2 None, into The Holy Spirit’s head
•Jesus’ use of mechanical shears before electricity
•Jesus Dyed my hair, but he didn’t die for my hair
•Jesus cut Delilahs hair before she cut Sampson’s hair
•Jesus fucked up the money changers because they didn’t tip him after getting their hair cut
•Mary & Joseph got free haircuts when Jesus achieved the title of Master Hair Stylist – but they still payed for the color tints
•Thomas doubted Jesus could give him a feathered look – & Jesus wept. But then, Thomas let Jesus cut his hair & he doubted nevermore, or at least until the YOLO controversy
•Before the Last Supper, Jesus offered all of his disciples a free haircut; they all took him up on the offer excepting Philip, he had recently gotten his hair styled by Mary Magdalene – she was secretly supporting Philip’s fashion designer dreams in exchange for his company
•Jesus first job cutting hair was in a salon called Capillus Secare
•Jesus once gave me a coupon for 10% off my next visit – good for the purchase of product or haircut; I used the coupon for the shearing of my sheep 🙂 Jesus wept.
•Jesus barbershop was the most popular in Palestine because it offered complementary wine & unleavened leavened flatbread
•The Holy Spirit, Jesus’ right hand spirit, extended special discounted laundry services if you were getting a cut & color
•God The Spirit is sort of like Vodka – both spiritual, both worshipped/revered, & both enjoyed with orange juice on Sunday mornings
•Jesus favorite thing to tell customers was “Healthy Hair is Happy Hair”
Gaius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, a.k.a.Caligula/Gaius, often heard this when, as a child, he accompanied his father on hair-cutting errands. As Gaius lost his hair, he came to despise the saying and, by extension, Jesus and all of his long-haired customers/followers. However, after the crucifixion, Caligula had a change of heart. His appreciation for the work done by Jesus and Christ’s love for all people (well, all people who weren’t uber-wealthy assholes) touched Gaius in a way he wasn’t accustomed to. He spent his years as Emperor advocating for a complete expungement of Jesus’ criminal record, while eradicating the MAGAesque Senators who were prone to outlandish conspiracy theories and regularly quoted Diogenes of Sinope. Caligula, like all Caesars, was a complex fellow.
Things the Bible never told you:
•Jesus uses the iPhone, in his 2nd act, to contact non-believers, it shows up as JSPAM, which many Midwesterners assume is Jalapeno SPAM and so they don’t answer
•Jesus wasn’t a baker by trade, his unleavened flatbreads ended up airy & delightful (leavened with no leavening agent and seasoned perfectly every time), not what local foodies expected nor desired. Local chefs heckled him but Martha & Mary of Bethany would eat 8-10 of these earliest taboon breads each week. And Judas Iscariot set up a stall next to the barbershop & began selling the bread (and giving it away to the poor and oppressed, as instructed by Jesus). The stall never sold out; Jesus used his multiplication of loaves trick to keep bread stocked 24/7.
•Jesus trimmed trees, & hair, & livestock by appointment. He didn’t allow animals larger than a standard ram or ewe in the shop but he had 6 stanchions out back and could accommodate additional animals at his home in Nazareth
•Jesus, Mary, & Joseph Cabinetry & Contracting Services LLC (JMJCCS) was a short lived business venture due to customers’ complaints of Jesus’ constant preaching to them about the importance of not wearing garments that contained both wool and linen
•Luke’s Landscape Designs (L.L.D.) was so successful that it still exists today – you know it better as Lowe’s
•Mathew’s Mani-Pedi Mart (MMPM) doubled as a social club for Mani-Pedi Men (MPM). Mani-Pedi Men were known throughout the Roman Empire for their fabulous shows performing song and dance. Dressed in robes of silk adorned with red diamonds and rubies and and green onyx and emeralds (now you know where the Christmas color palette originated) their shows drew crowds similar to what one saw in the most popular coliseum events
•Mark’s Makeover Palace (MMP) was the first licensed clinic, in the world, to provide gender affirming care. Mark’s oldest sibling, Joanna, was his first client and the reason he decided to open the clinic. In addition to hormone replacement therapy and puberty blockers, the clinic offered voice therapy, social service navigation, and mental health professionals available day and night
•John’s House of Jellos, Jaffa Oranges, & Jams (JHJJOJ) turned every meal into a celebration. With the addition of citrus jellies, pâtés, teas, condiments, sauces, relishes and more, the days of bland falafel sandwiches and disappointing dolma were over. John passed away, unexpectedly, eaten by a destruction of caracal. Nevertheless, his ideas for fruit as primary subject, rather than side or accompaniment is carried on at Frog Hollow Farm.
•Saul’s Balls: Party Planning Services for Galas, Soirées, Receptions, Reunions, Balls, and social gatherings of all types went the way of the Dodo long before the Dodo was killed off. Saul was caught hand-laundering money and was convicted for financially supporting the up and coming Zhou Dynasty (China) in exchange for the secret Zhou method of making 27 layer jello
•King David’s Royal Dry-Sand-Cleaning, Sword Sharpening, Robe Repair, & Artisanal Hummus Bowls shops were the primary economic driver of Judah’s amazing quarter century of 7%+ annual growth rate. After King David’s death, King Solomon attempted to stay the course, economically, but due to the grass pollens and ragweed allergen plagues, Judah’s growth rate never topped 4.3%.
•Sampson & Delilah’s Salon & Extreme Xercise Emporium (S&D’sSEXE) almost made it to America. They had a SEXE Club in London, when the Puritans made their first trip to the “new world”. The Puritans needed more money to secure a 2nd boat and S&D had the funds. They agreed to chip-in for the boat in exchange for a ride for the 3 owners, 5 employees and 14 pieces of club equipment. Less than 50 miles out of London, the S&D folk were thrown overboard. The equipment was spared and was stored in a pole shed just north of Salem. 100 years later a proper building was constructed and the club was once again active with a few minor changes – including the name – most call it The Y.
•Archangel Allen’s Art Supplies & Aphrodisiacs was very popular with the Groths, a group of younger people who wore earth tones, primarily brown and green. Unfortunately, Allen succumbed to the allure of great riches and repute. The last time anyone saw him he was riding away on a pale green horse.
Life, as a concept, is fairly universal in its meaning. If you asked 100 random people to define Life, I expect 90+ responses would be rooted in the idea that it is some combination of being alive/ existing, moving through the world as a sentient creature, and generally trying to move from one day/month/year to the next while finding better/easier ways to maintain. The remaining responses may well run the gamut from the most extreme philosophies on existentialism & nihilism to interpretations of the teachings of Confucius and Kant, stoics, joy chasers, absurdists et al. Regardless of one’s particular lens, the primary vision is the same, figure out what keeps you moving and go with it. But… within each philosophy, there is an underlying question – what happens when people no longer care whether or not they’re alive.
To live, to be alive, to face each day with the belief that it will be good, relatively speaking, even in the face of difficulties and unknowns is the goal, more or less. But sometimes, people no longer care about the goal. They find that the journey stopped being a worthy utilization of their time and energy and they’ve long since given up on even considering the destination, if there ever was one. When this happens, people usually go one of two ways – either they actively seek a way to put an end to the life they know (quitting their job, ending a relationship, giving up on a dream, or in the most dire cases, ending their life) or they embrace the inner voice that’s been telling them to stop giving a fuck, about most everything.
The former choice is often accompanied by enormous emotional releases, letting go of all that’s been building inside the self for years or decades even. And this tide of emotions can lead to all kinds of rash decisions resulting in further emotional turmoil. Yet,it can also be the thing that is needed in order to return one’s life back into a reasonable existence that isn’t beset by bitterness & riddled with regret. The latter, and I believe more common today, is based in the knowledge that at the end of the day the world will not end if you ignore, sidestep, or half-ass most everything you are confronted with. Sure, there may be consequences for one’s inaction in some cases but would they be any worse than if you had put forth the effort to address the issue and wound up with little to no appreciable benefit? Probably not, or at least that’s what it seems more people are projecting. And this is not to say that people who don’t have any fucks to give are cold-hearted or indifferent to the pain and suffering they witness, it just means that they no longer possess the capacity to give so much of their emotional self to processing those feels. This is where we are, societally; millions of humans wake-up every day, feigning concern for daily tasks as needed, to escape the questions that come when not playing the part, and go about their routine as though life is perfectly fine – or at least not god-fucking-awful.
The reasons for this are varied but at the heart of it I believe we’ve arrived here due in large part to the disintegration of humanity as viewed through the lens of wealth disparity. The richest 1,000 Americans possess more wealth than 1/2 the populace. And if those uber-rich assholes had a modicum of decency in their d.n.a., we wouldn’t be in the current socio-political situation that has overwhelmed our collective conscious. This type of pandemic (haves and have nots) is not conducive to the longevity of a species or community or world. The only ways to fix the status quo is to elect public officials who will institute a far more progressive tax code… or to initiate warfare against the members of the ultra elite and their apologists. Anything short of this will give us the most recent version of Rome’s demise. And while I say this knowing full-well I’m not ready to give said fucks, so too, I’m fully present in this chaotic episode of 21st century shitfuckery and am ready to take the necessary actions, whatever those may be. When the people have reached their limit and rise together to oppose those who would have us as their perpetual minions, our collective existence will turn a corner and begin the healing process. Until such time (which might be closer than we think), we must do what we can, as life permits, and not exhaust ourselves in the process.
Attempting to sail a boat, if you don’t know how to sail, is not advisable. That said, if you find yourself on a sail boat and everyone who knows how to sail has disappeared off the boat, find something that floats and prepare to jump in the water.
This is another way of saying, you won’t be prepared for everything that life throws at you. Sometimes you’ll have the experience, skills, wisdom to adapt & move forward no worse for the wear. At other times, you’ll need to admit you’re wholly unprepared for the change. When that happens, grab a life-vest or something that “floats” and jump in. Somebody will come along and fish you out.