Diamond Lake Creative

Tag: Diamond Lake

  • Jesus Cuts My Hair: And Other Stories From Jesus’ Barbering Days in Palestine

    Jesus Cuts My Hair: And Other Stories From Jesus’ Barbering Days in Palestine

    Hair Like Jesus was the name of the original barbershop in Nazareth. It took a while for business to pick-up because most people didn’t find hair styling/cutting to be a worthwhile expenditure. Eventually, maybe a decade before Jesus’ untimely death, the Caesar cut began to make waves throughout the Roman Empire. And while Tiberius didn’t wear this hair style, many of his adjutants and numerous Roman celebrities did. This was the period when the first t-shirts were printed with the JSMH & JCMH labels (Jesus Styles My Hair & Jesus Cuts My Hair). There were also hair-cutting disciples who would set-up pop-up barber stations throughout Judea, Samaria, & Galilee; many of them would hang a sign that read “Cutting Hair For Jesus”. This proved to be the zenith for Jesus’ popularity in the Roman Empire.

    Jesus was not the only person to join the new profession. There were a number of high-profile individuals who took up the trade, to include the Holy Spirit. Most of these endeavors were short-(o)lived but there were two who pushed Jesus to constantly up his game. Peter, the disgruntled former trainer and assistant general manager for Pontius Pilate (at Pilate’s Pilates Provisions) cut a mean high and tight and was also very skilled at making curls work with, rather than against, the client’s facial attributes. Whereas the Holy Spirit used techniques that highlighted their spatial-awareness of skulls skill set while creating subtle differences between the stylings and hems of them and Jesus.

    There are hundreds of wonderful parables, fables, and historically semi-accurate/articulate stories that give us a closer look at what the hair cutting industry was like during Jesus 1st run on earth. I’ve compiled a short list of some of my favorites, below. Most of these are available online from www.wwjr.bib; or if traveling, you can find brick & mortar sites of What Would Jesus Read: A Genesis of RevelationZ – Book Store, Snack Bar, & Spirits – in New York City, Los Angeles, New Orleans, Chicago, & Baltimore.
    Aside from the cutting and styling copycats, a number of professions emerged from the hair biz. Landscape design outfits and nail salons would spring forth seemingly overnight in neighborhood strip malls from Byzantium (Istanbul) to Yathrib (Madinah). Other, more esoteric ventures, e.g. exercise emporiums and makeover takeover palaces, had their 15 minutes of fame before fading away – like Tim Scott post inauguration. I’ve included several of these enterprises after the story section. In all, this period of early business history was less important for what it accomplished than for what it revealed; human nature’s desire for a more pleasing aesthetic goes back millennia. Be it a cut & color, a freshly groomed guinea pig or a well manicured fig tree, we prefer that which is easy on the eyes.

    1/2 Truths, Tales, & Unchronicled Notes from the final decade of Christ in Palestine
    ————————————————–
    Hairy Stories from Jesus’ Barbershop:
    •The Truth Behind The Long-Haired Hippie Style of Rōmmies & Why Caesars wore the Caesar cut
    •The Hair Sweepers of Ancient Samaria
    •Hair Stylist School as Post-Water-Gathering option: Aveda before it was Aveda
    •That one time Jesus shaved, #2 – 2nd 2 None, into The Holy Spirit’s head
    •Jesus’ use of mechanical shears before electricity
    •Jesus Dyed my hair, but he didn’t die for my hair
    •Jesus cut Delilahs hair before she cut Sampson’s hair
    •Jesus fucked up the money changers because they didn’t tip him after getting their hair cut
    •Mary & Joseph got free haircuts when Jesus achieved the title of Master Hair Stylist – but they still payed for the color tints
    •Thomas doubted Jesus could give him a feathered look – & Jesus wept. But then, Thomas let Jesus cut his hair & he doubted nevermore, or at least until the YOLO controversy 

    •Before the Last Supper, Jesus offered all of his disciples a free haircut; they all took him up on the offer excepting Philip, he had recently gotten his hair styled by Mary Magdalene – she was secretly supporting Philip’s fashion designer dreams in exchange for his company 
    •Jesus first job cutting hair was in a salon called Capillus Secare 
    •Jesus once gave me a coupon for 10% off my next visit – good for the purchase of product or haircut; I used the coupon for the shearing of my sheep 🙂 Jesus wept.
    •Jesus barbershop was the most popular in     Palestine because it offered complementary wine & unleavened leavened flatbread
    •The Holy Spirit, Jesus’ right hand spirit, extended special discounted laundry services if you were getting a cut & color
    •God The Spirit is sort of like Vodka – both spiritual, both worshipped/revered, & both enjoyed with orange juice     on Sunday mornings

    •Jesus favorite thing to tell customers was “Healthy Hair is Happy Hair”  
    Gaius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, a.k.a.Caligula/Gaius, often heard this when, as a child, he accompanied his father on hair-cutting errands. As Gaius lost his hair, he came to despise the saying and, by extension, Jesus and all of his long-haired customers/followers. However, after the crucifixion, Caligula had a change of heart. His appreciation for the work done by Jesus and Christ’s love for all people (well, all people who weren’t uber-wealthy assholes) touched Gaius in a way he wasn’t accustomed to. He spent his years as Emperor advocating for a complete expungement of Jesus’ criminal record, while eradicating the MAGAesque Senators who were prone to outlandish conspiracy theories and regularly quoted Diogenes of Sinope. Caligula, like all Caesars, was a complex fellow.

    Things the Bible never told you:
    •Jesus uses the iPhone, in his 2nd act, to contact non-believers, it shows up as JSPAM, which many Midwesterners assume is Jalapeno SPAM and so they don’t answer
    •Jesus wasn’t a baker by trade, his unleavened flatbreads ended up airy & delightful (leavened with no leavening agent and seasoned perfectly every time), not what local foodies expected nor desired. Local chefs heckled him but Martha & Mary of Bethany would eat 8-10 of these earliest taboon breads each week. And Judas Iscariot set up a stall next to the barbershop & began selling the bread (and giving it away to the poor and oppressed, as instructed by Jesus). The stall never sold out; Jesus used his multiplication of loaves trick to keep bread stocked 24/7.
    •Jesus trimmed trees, & hair, & livestock by appointment. He didn’t allow animals larger than a standard ram or ewe in the shop but he had 6 stanchions out back and could accommodate additional animals at his home in Nazareth
    •Jesus, Mary, & Joseph Cabinetry & Contracting Services LLC (JMJCCS) was a short lived business venture due to customers’ complaints of Jesus’ constant preaching to them about the importance of not wearing garments that contained both wool and linen
    •Luke’s Landscape Designs (L.L.D.) was so successful that it still exists today – you know it better as Lowe’s
    •Mathew’s Mani-Pedi Mart (MMPM) doubled as a social club for Mani-Pedi Men (MPM). Mani-Pedi Men were known throughout the Roman Empire for their fabulous shows performing song and dance. Dressed in robes of silk adorned with red diamonds and rubies and and green onyx and emeralds (now you know where the Christmas color palette originated) their shows drew crowds similar to what one saw in the most popular coliseum events
    •Mark’s Makeover Palace (MMP) was the first licensed clinic, in the world, to provide gender affirming care. Mark’s oldest sibling, Joanna, was his first client and the reason he decided to open the clinic. In addition to hormone replacement therapy and puberty blockers, the clinic offered voice therapy, social service navigation, and mental health professionals available day and night
    •John’s House of Jellos, Jaffa Oranges, & Jams (JHJJOJ) turned every meal into a celebration. With the addition of citrus jellies, pâtés, teas, condiments, sauces, relishes and more, the days of bland falafel sandwiches and disappointing dolma were over. John passed away, unexpectedly, eaten by a destruction of caracal. Nevertheless, his ideas for fruit as primary subject, rather than side or accompaniment is carried on at Frog Hollow Farm.
    •Saul’s Balls: Party Planning Services for Galas, Soirées, Receptions, Reunions, Balls, and social gatherings of all types went the way of the Dodo long before the Dodo was killed off. Saul was caught hand-laundering money and was convicted for financially supporting the up and coming Zhou Dynasty (China) in exchange for the secret Zhou method of making 27 layer jello
    •King David’s Royal Dry-Sand-Cleaning, Sword Sharpening, Robe Repair, & Artisanal Hummus Bowls shops were the primary economic driver of Judah’s amazing quarter century of 7%+ annual growth rate. After King David’s death, King Solomon attempted to stay the course, economically, but due to the grass pollens and ragweed allergen plagues, Judah’s growth rate never topped 4.3%.
    •Sampson & Delilah’s Salon & Extreme Xercise Emporium (S&D’sSEXE) almost made it to America. They had a SEXE Club in London, when the Puritans made their first trip to the “new world”. The Puritans needed more money to secure a 2nd boat and S&D had the funds. They agreed to chip-in for the boat in exchange for a ride for the 3 owners, 5 employees and 14 pieces of club equipment. Less than 50 miles out of London, the S&D folk were thrown overboard. The equipment was spared and was stored in a pole shed just north of Salem. 100 years later a proper building was constructed and the club was once again active with a few minor changes – including the name – most call it The Y.
    •Archangel Allen’s Art Supplies & Aphrodisiacs     was very popular with the Groths, a group of younger people who wore earth tones, primarily brown and green. Unfortunately, Allen succumbed to the allure of great riches and repute. The last time anyone saw him he was riding away on a pale green horse.

  • What Does It Mean To Be Alive

    What Does It Mean To Be Alive

    Life, as a concept, is fairly universal in its meaning. If you asked 100 random people to define Life, I expect 90+ responses would be rooted in the idea that it is some combination of being alive/ existing, moving through the world as a sentient creature, and generally trying to move from one day/month/year to the next while finding better/easier ways to maintain. The remaining responses may well run the gamut from the most extreme philosophies on existentialism & nihilism to interpretations of the teachings of Confucius and Kant, stoics, joy chasers, absurdists et al. Regardless of one’s particular lens, the primary vision is the same, figure out what keeps you moving and go with it. But… within each philosophy, there is an underlying question – what happens when people no longer care whether or not they’re alive.

    To live, to be alive, to face each day with the belief that it will be good, relatively speaking, even in the face of difficulties and unknowns is the goal, more or less. But sometimes, people no longer care about the goal. They find that the journey stopped being a worthy utilization of their time and energy and they’ve long since given up on even considering the destination, if there ever was one. When this happens, people usually go one of two ways – either they actively seek a way to put an end to the life they know (quitting their job, ending a relationship, giving up on a dream, or in the most dire cases, ending their life) or they embrace the inner voice that’s been telling them to stop giving a fuck, about most everything.

    The former choice is often accompanied by enormous emotional releases, letting go of all that’s been building inside the self for years or decades even. And this tide of emotions can lead to all kinds of rash decisions resulting in further emotional turmoil. Yet,it can also be the thing that is needed in order to return one’s life back into a reasonable existence that isn’t beset by bitterness & riddled with regret. The latter, and I believe more common today, is based in the knowledge that at the end of the day the world will not end if you ignore, sidestep, or half-ass most everything you are confronted with. Sure, there may be consequences for one’s inaction in some cases but would they be any worse than if you had put forth the effort to address the issue and wound up with little to no appreciable benefit? Probably not, or at least that’s what it seems more people are projecting. And this is not to say that people who don’t have any fucks to give are cold-hearted or indifferent to the pain and suffering they witness, it just means that they no longer possess the capacity to give so much of their emotional self to processing those feels. This is where we are, societally; millions of humans wake-up every day, feigning concern for daily tasks as needed, to escape the questions that come when not playing the part, and go about their routine as though life is perfectly fine – or at least not god-fucking-awful.

    The reasons for this are varied but at the heart of it I believe we’ve arrived here due in large part to the disintegration of humanity as viewed through the lens of wealth disparity. The richest 1,000 Americans possess more wealth than 1/2 the populace. And if those uber-rich assholes had a modicum of decency in their d.n.a., we wouldn’t be in the current socio-political situation that has overwhelmed our collective conscious. This type of pandemic (haves and have nots) is not conducive to the longevity of a species or community or world. The only ways to fix the status quo is to elect public officials who will institute a far more progressive tax code… or to initiate warfare against the members of the ultra elite and their apologists. Anything short of this will give us the most recent version of Rome’s demise. And while I say this knowing full-well I’m not ready to give said fucks, so too, I’m fully present in this chaotic episode of 21st century shitfuckery and am ready to take the necessary actions, whatever those may be. When the people have reached their limit and rise together to oppose those who would have us as their perpetual minions, our collective existence will turn a corner and begin the healing process. Until such time (which might be closer than we think), we must do what we can, as life permits, and not exhaust ourselves in the process.

  • Sailing when you don’t know how to sail

    Sailing when you don’t know how to sail

    Attempting to sail a boat, if you don’t know how to sail, is not advisable. That said, if you find yourself on a sail boat and everyone who knows how to sail has disappeared off the boat, find something that floats and prepare to jump in the water.

    This is another way of saying, you won’t be prepared for everything that life throws at you. Sometimes you’ll have the experience, skills, wisdom to adapt & move forward no worse for the wear. At other times, you’ll need to admit you’re wholly unprepared for the change. When that happens, grab a life-vest or something that “floats” and jump in. Somebody will come along and fish you out.

  • You Don’t Look Like a Smoker: Conversations You May Have Overheard in 1988

    You Don’t Look Like a Smoker: Conversations You May Have Overheard in 1988

    Dahlia (D): You don’t look like a smoker

    Leo (L): What does a smoker look like

    (D) You know, not like you

    (L) Oh, yeah, I think I know, taller and wearing a tighter t-shirt

    (D) Yeah, something like that

    (L) Hmmm – I suppose I could buy some platform shoes and smaller t-shirts

    (D) Why?

    (L) So I would look like a smoker

    (D) Why would you want to look like a smoker? 

    (L) So people wouldn’t tell me I don’t look like a smoker

    (D) Oh

    (L) –

    (D) –

    (L) –

    (D) But why not just quit?

    (L) Quit what?

    (D) Smoking

    (L) Why?

    (D) So people wouldn’t keep telling you you don’t look like a smoker

    (L) Oh – well, I’m not a quitter

    (D) What?

    (L) I’m not a quitter

    (D) What’s that supposed to mean

    (L) It means I don’t just quit when something becomes difficult

    (D) Why?

    (L) Because that’s weak! Winners never quit and quitters never win.

    (D) Oh, I didn’t know.

    (L) Yeah, I figured

    (D) So what color t-shirts you gonna get?

    (L) When?

    (D) Whenever you go shopping for smaller shirts? 

    (L) Why would I buy smaller shirts? 

    (D) So people won’t tell you you don’t look like a smoker

    (L) But I am a smoker

    (D) I know, but people tell you you don’t look like a smoker

    (L) Yeah?

    (D) So if you get smaller t-shirts, and some boots to make you taller, people will stop assuming you don’t smoke

    (L) Yeah, I guess you have a point, but maybe I should just go to the gym and get swoll so I don’t need to spend money on new shirts and shoes

    (D) What exercise makes you taller?

    (L) What? None, what do you mean?

    (D) You said you could go to the gym instead of buying smaller shirts and taller boots

    (L) No, not taller, thicker, bigger chest and biceps and abs – so I’ll look taller without buying new shoes

    (D) How will bigger arms and a broader chest make you look taller? 

    (L) You know, because people will be looking at my guns and pecs and then they’ll raise their eyes to see my face and they’ll think I’m taller than I am

    (D) What? Why?

    (L) Because they perceive people with big muscles as taller

    (D) Who does? 

    (L) People

    (D) What people?

    (L) Like, everyone; don’t you? 

    (D) No

    (L) Why?

    (D) Because people who are more muscular look more muscular but their height doesn’t appear different to me.
     
    L) That’s weird

    (D) Why?
     
    (L) Because if you’re looking at someone’s muscles, below the neck, and then you have to move your eyes up to get to their face, they appear taller

    (D) No they don’t
     
    (L) Yes they do

    (D) Whatever, so you’re going to the gym instead of buying new clothes?

    (L) I don’t know, Maybe I’ll do both

    (D) Wait, if you go to the gym and workout and have bigger muscles, you won’t need the new clothes and if you get the new smaller clothes, you won’t need to go to the gym

    (L) Maybe I want new clothes and bigger muscles

    (D) Oh, well then I guess that would make sense

    L) Yeah, but I’ll have to see about getting a job so I have money cuz gym memberships are spendy and new clothes ain’t cheap

    (D) You don’t have a job?
     
    (L) No

    (D) What do you do all day?
     
    (L) Stuff

    (D) Like what?

    (L) Smoke cigarettes & talk to people

    (D) There’s your job, you should work as a telephone operator – they smoke & talk all day

    (L) Really

    (D) Yeah, my aunt Tracy did it for 40 years

    (L) You just talk to people & smoke? All day?

    (D) Yep, & of course connect folks to other folks, but that’s kinda secondary

    (L) Sounds perfect
     
    (D)Yep

    crushed empty pack of Newport cigarettes

    (L) Well Hey! Now that I’ve got my life figured out, thanks to you, you wanna run over to the feed mill with me to get some sunflower seeds

    (D) What do you need sunflower seeds for?

    (L) The Cardinals, they love ’em

    (D) You feed Cardinals?

    (L) Yeah, don’t you?

    (D) No. Yeah. Well, I put out bird seed for all the birds, not just Cardinals – don’t you think the other birds would like to be fed?

    (L) Sure, but my neighbor Jimmy puts out all the other seed so the other birds go to his yard for that and the Cardinals come to my yard for the sunflower seeds

    (D) Oh; what about squirrels, don’t they come and eat the sunflower seeds?

    (L) I’m sure they do but only when I’m not in the yard

    (D) How much time do you spend in your yard

    (L) I don’t know, probably 10-15 hours a day

    (D) What?

    (L) 10-15 hours a day

    (D) ummmmm. why?

    (L) So the Cardinals don’t have to fight with the squirrels for the seeds

    (D) ohh, ok; sounds like a full-time job

    (L) definitely is

    (D) so when would you have time to work as an telephone operator

    (L) I wouldn’t

    (D) so why did you say it was perfect and that your life was figured out

    (L) I think I was just excited and forgot about the squirrels bothering the Cardinals

    (D) oh

     

  • A Lawnmower Long Story, Short:

    A Lawnmower Long Story, Short:

    That fucking guy was supposed to come by at 11:00 to pick up the lawnmower he said he wanted to buy; sum-bitch didn’t show up til 2:45, piss drunk, talkin’ bout he got lost on the way — he lives 3 fuckin blocks from me — and then he asked me to load it up in his truck because he was too drunk to pick it up; and then, after I get the fuckin’ thing in his truck he asks me to tie it down – it’s a fucking lawnmower, it Ain’t fuckin goin anywhere – so I pushed it up tight to the cab and put a couple bricks behind the wheels. He said thanks and started to climb in his truck and I said, Hey, you gonna pay me? And he said, “I already did”. And I said, The hell you did. And he said, “oh yeah, I paid the beer store”. How much you want fer it, he asked? I told him we’d agreed on $25 and he said it wasn’t worth half that. And I said, I don’t recall you mentioning anything about what it was worth, only that you’d give me $25 for it. And he said, Well, I was probably drunk when I said that. So I said, that’s fine, I’ll just unload it and you can find another fuckin’ mower. He didn’t like that so he started diggin around in his pockets, pullin’ out coins and a few singles, a couple rocks, six lottery tickets, a pocket knife, several receipts, five .22 shell casings, a church key, a rabbit’s foot, a small coil of copper wire, some coupons for Subway, and a green and yellow friendship bracelet. And then he said, “between the cash and coins and lottery tickets and Subway coupons, I’ve got about $9 and .43 cents, can I bring the rest by tomorrow?” By that point I was so irate, because he didn’t have the cash and I was crying from laughing so hard – that friendship bracelet musta been a gift from his mom, she loves her some Jordan Love and the Packers but he’s a die hard Vikings fan, swears their gonna win the super bowl, every fucking year, and after 5 games he changes his tune and starts talkin’ bout the draft, that poor fucker, he ain’t got shit in his life that’s worth a fuck, aside from his sister and those 3 cats, they’re the only thing standing between him and a life of failed criminal ventures. So anyway, I started to feel bad for him, and I know he’s a good guy, if aggravating, and there’s no need for me to keep the mower, I don’t need it no more, turned my whole yard into a zen garden so I can meditate in a place that allows me to tune everything else out. I told him he could take the mower and I’d take the Subway coupons and we’d call it even. That may not have been as good an idea as I first thought, given his obsession with Subway sandwiches, he thought I was trying to pull a fast one on him, started to ask what kind of piece of shit mower I was trying to unload on him and that just one of those two dollars off a foot long coupons was worth 10 times what that mower’s worth and that he wouldn’t take that mower if I gave it to him. It was at that point that I decided I was done, I turned my ass around and headed to the house, wasn’t worth the time to argue. That pissed him off even more, he was cursing me and the mower and my neighbors sprinkler that was shooting water on him every 15 seconds and had been since he got out of the truck. He attempted to grab the mower out of the truck but couldn’t get any leverage so he opened the gate and tried to climb in – he nearly got one knee up when his other foot slipped on the wet clay – his reaction time, which ain’t great when he aint drinkin, was really slow. His nose was the first part of his body to stop falling, followed by the rest of his face – he’s a bleeder, that’s for certain. If he wouldn’t a crashed his truck six times on the way to the hospital, I woulda let him drive; but I knew he was in no shape to keep his eyes open and his brain alert, so I helped him into the shotgun seat and drove him to the ER.  After they wheeled him in, I drove his truck back to his place, unloaded the mower & put it in his pole shed. 3 days later he called me up & told me that was the best damn mower he ever had & he’d a happily paid $50 instead of $35. I didn’t bother telling him anything, just said glad ya like it. That was last Thursday, I ain’t seen him since, he typically drives by here at least 8-10 times a day, running here there and the next place but nothin’. I hope he didn’t fall in a well. 

  • This is Why I Drink, with Myself

    This is Why I Drink, with Myself

    Red: Do you drink alone 

    Waverly: Of course not, good God, what do you take me for, some sort of miscreant? I drink with MySelf 

    R* YourSelf? 

    W* No, MySelf; I find most others tend to inquire about things which I’ve no interest in discussing 

    R* So you talk with yourself? 

    W* No, I’m not crazy, I talk with MySelf 

    R* I don’t follow, how do you mean, MySelf but not – YourSelf? 

    W* MySelf, Me, I, you know; Yourself, You, her/she; See? 

    R* Yes, but no, not really. What’s the difference between MySelf & YourSelf, theoretically speaking? 

    W* MySelf is the person I am, it’s me, not the person that you or anyone else perceive – what/who I know, intrinsically. YourSelf, or You, is that person that others see or create or reify to fit their perceptions of the being they are interacting with. 

    R* But why do you feel the need to differentiate based on the reality in your self and the perception of others? 

    W*  I don’t, it’s just the way it is, I didn’t make the rules. 

    R* I’m sorry, you didn’t make the rules? 

    W* Well No, I’ve no say in the matter, it’s just the way it is, was, will be. 

    R* I’ve never heard anyone make this argument before so… 

    W* that’s because it’s not an argument, it’s a basic principle of existence. 

    R* Since when? 

    W* Since the Universes. 

    R* The Universes? But what does 100 billion years of space have to do with perceptions and realities? 

    W* Nothing. 

    R* Then why did you say it’s a principle existence of time eternal? 

    W* Because it is. Just because the universe doesn’t take credit for a principle doesn’t mean it hasn’t always been. You have to believe that certain things ARE, simply because they ARE, not because you can explain or define or deconstruct them. If that were the case, we’d have died off before the first Pithecus walked upright. 

    R* Why 

    W*  Life doesn’t have time for that sort of interrogation when trying to survive. The question of perception, as it is and as it’s perceived, constructed, reconstructed, retooled, disembowled, reconfigured, reimagined, is a question that spans more millennia than recorded history has recorded. Perception, as a general construct, seems quite simple, yes? And therefore people think of it as a very cut & dried subject, concrete, static, when in fact it’s one of those ideas that plays out in a variety of ways, maybe a 1000 or 10,000, in one mind, and in 10 minds, interacting with one another, giving every variant thought hundreds of new, additional thoughts, and on and on. This is why A.I. will never capture the essence of creativity. Not human creativity, not animal creativity, plant, rock, soil, water, air, nothing, it’s too stupid to consider the nuance of the way one person’s perception colors another’s & it most certainly won’t ever go through any of the life experiences that we have, or that river’s have, or anything else. 

    R* OK, this is heavy, I didn’t think my initial question would result in my brain hurting. 

    W* Well, that’s part of the deal, we ask questions without knowing answers, or maybe thinking we know the answers, and sometimes we’re unsurprised and sometimes we’re dumbfounded by what we hear. There’s no reason to feel inept or unable, life is hard, and stupid, and ridiculous, and full of both the circuitous and the non-linear that proves to be linear long after the fact. Though linear isn’t even a term that we can ascribe a particular definition to as we need look no further than latitude and longitude and the process of delineating seemingly curved straight lines that have no beginning and no end, and are based on the make-up of the earth as it was several hundred years ago, and the trajectory it follows, which changes, and therefore changes the make-up of the orb as it is at any given point, and over time changes the degree to which earth’s land masses and atmospheres are affected by the forces of gravity and radiation and pressure and volcanic activity and tectonic shifts and then with the poles shifting, slightly, and constantly, possibly causing further disruptions in the continuum that we rely on for our alarm clocks, altering the very definition of what we think of as fixed and therefore throwing all previous knowledge relating to everything in recorded history out the proverbial window. 

    R* So you’re saying that if you drink with myself then you’re drinking alone

    W* fer fuck’s sake, how in the fuck would I drink w/ yourself, don’t you mean you, drink with you

    R* you said that yourself was not the same as myself – so then wouldn’t I refer to yourself as myself if referencing something that you’re engaged in?

    W* No, that’s non-sensical 

    R* I don’t get it. Myself & yourself don’t mean the same when speaking about yourself but when speaking about someone else they do mean the same?

    W* myself & yourself never mean the same thing, regardless of who’s using them

    R* can we start over?

    W* This is why I drink… with MySelf

  • Diamond Lake – Where’s That?

    Diamond Lake – Where’s That?

    Have you ever been to Baton Rouge? Nice place, a little warm most months, for my taste, but in January it’s just about the right temperature. Diamond Lake is nowhere near Baton Rouge, unless you’re reading this on the space station. Anyway, if you head due North from Baton Rouge and make a hard left when you get to Cadott, Wisconsin, you can take Highway 29 West and it’ll dump you off onto 94 Westbound and that’ll bring you right into Minneapolis. From there, just ask somebody, if they don’t know, ask somebody else, you’ll find it eventually.

    Well, now that you know how to get here, don’t go fallin’ in love with the State, especially Minneapolis & St. Paul, you’ll hate the taxes (ask a Republican), you’ll hate the winters (ask a Southerner), you’ll hate the passive-aggressive communication style (ask a Minnesotan)and you’ll hate that the Packers fans will talk shit regardless of how bad they may be in a given year because they have a lot of titles (a baker’s dozen to be exact) and the Vikings (which is really a much better name for a football team) have less than 13 – , 13 less, to be exact. Packer fans will also remind them they have the mecca of professional sports home fields, Lambeau. The Metrodome was really nice, like an oversized air-dome that you might find on a private school’s campus so the students can play hockey in the summer, but with beer. It replaced The Met (Metropolitan Stadium) – not the home of the Mets, but home of the Purple People Eaters, Twins, Kicks and eventually the biggest mall in the U.S., after it was demolished. Now they have U.S. Bank Stadium (talk about great names, said no one ever) and they like to think of it as a Viking Ship, a Viking Ship that has an uncanny ability to kill birds without firing a shot. But I digress. I’m here to tell you about this place, Diamond Lake Creative.

    It’s not a huge facility, maybe big enough to fit a couple baby elephants, 4 or 5 Honey Badgers and 8-10 Bearcats, but that’s big enough for now.

    Regionally, we’re at the far end of North, which is the extreme South of Northmore and is right smack dab in the middle of the chain of lakes commonly referred to as North of Normal. People sometimes assume they can get here simply by heading North by North but that’s only true if your starting point is along a line that runs approximately from 93.3° W +/- 0.3° – about Iowa, Louisiana up past Carpenter, Iowa. That said, if you head in a generally northerly direction, unless you’re in Canada, you’ll probably find your way sooner or later. And remember, if you get completely turned around and keep driving past the same wheat field in Kansas, contact a local realtor and start meeting the people you’re going to call neighbors – you were meant to be there.

  • Arctic Ocean’s Torpical Region & The Rat Islands

    Arctic Ocean’s Torpical Region & The Rat Islands


    The Rat Islands – pictured at 11,000 ft – are not known for their posh lodging nor their 4 star bistros, they don’t have high speed rail or a 5G network, & as of 1 January 2025, they still have no indoor plumbing. This is bc they don’t have any permanent human residents. The only people to step foot on the islands, since the late 1970s, are a small group of dedicated farmhands that make an annual pilgrimage from 3 counties in Northern Wisconsin, 5 counties in Northern Minnesota & 1 county in Upper North Dakota’s Eastern High Prairie. In any given year, the group ranges from 35 – 140. They don’t come for the invigorating salt bath in waters that regularly dip into the single digits Fahrenheit; and they don’t come for the Frozen Yoga retreat w/ Elephant seals (not recommended). No, these agrarian guests come for 1 reason, harvest. And what, you may ask, would they be harvesting on islands in the middle of the Bering Sea? Torpical fruit. No, not a typo. Not tropical, that’s in the tropics. Torpical, in the torpics – a microclimate that benefits from both the heat of large magma pools bubbling less than 100 meters below the rocky earth & the warm South Pacific trade-winds that maintain an ambient temperature of 82.6° F & a relative humidity of +/- 87%. The specific path of these winds, which originate just northeast of Tonga & break away from the South Pacific Gyre 15 km East of Bora Bora, provides the basis for the stable conditions. The winds hop back & forth between current & countercurrent airstreams, which explains the reserve of potential energy (it can be greater than 275 trillion joules in an average stream) the wind’s accumulate over the course of the journey – anywhere from 3-6 weeks (depending on the saturation levels of algae blooms between Palau & Kamaishi, Japan), and provide both the moisture & warmth required for the cultivation of torpical fruit. The Pickers of Torpical American Fruits Society (POTAFS – not to be confused w/ BOTRFO – the Russian counterpart) spend most of the 72 hour picking window on the Southeast Coast of Amchitka Island where the Pongo & Papple fruits are the most abundant. Once every 20 years, an unexplained phenomenon occurs. The tilt of the earth increases from 23.5° to 23.508°, for exactly 12 hours. This additional tilt affects the islands by producing just enough added heat to cause the seven Jacknut trees to flower over the next 24-36 hours. The flowers that are able to fully mature in this extremely short gestation window will bear fruit in 2-3 years time, depending on the severity of the dark season (cloudless nights can dip into the 40’s for several hours). When mature, these Jacknut fruits weigh more than 250 lbs, on average, and measure between 4 – 6 feet long and 2 -4 feet in diameter. The meat of these fruits is extremely nutritious and contains more than 30 vitamins and minerals in varying quantities as well as an abundance of amino acids and antioxidants. In years when these trees bore fruit, the seal, walrus, and rat populations boomed. There are reports from the 1870s and 1930s providing documentation of rats doubling in size from the previous year’s data and pinnipeds developing larger fins and more streamlined torsos – providing for much greater success when hunting for food. The pickers, always an astute bunch (as farm hands usually are), noticed the correlation between the Jacknut fruit ripening and the explosion of native mammal population numbers and attributes and decided to bring some Jacknuts back to their home states. That first Jacknut haul, in 1895, was a boon to the locals who got their hands on it. Lumberjacks in Minnesota and Wisconsin started felling trees at a rate three and a half times faster than before eating the fruit. And in North Dakota, recent transplants from back East, particularly the Germans and Norwegians, found they were able to clear an acre of woods and get the land ready for crops in just weeks whereas prior to this revolutionary discovery they would have spent six months in the process. Starting in the mid 1950s, pickers noticed a slight change in both the mammal populations and the volume of the average Jacknut fruit. Not knowing the cause of the abnormality they assumed it was weather related. The following harvest, the mid ’70s, saw a further decline in the species expected numbers as well as fruit volume and quality. By the mid ’90’s harvest, 5 of the 7 Jacknut fruit trees were dead and the remaining 2 had not produced any fruit. This was documented by the pickers, all 113 of them. They provided written documentation and many took pictures. Upon completion of harvest they collected several branches from each of the five dead trees and took a small sample of bark from the other two. Once back home, they sent the specimens to a pomology & food-science lab in Cincinnati Ohio. The researchers found 2 types of organic polymers that were increasingly common in certain synthetic materials (plastics). That didn’t come as a surprise but what did was the discovery of significant amounts of gamma radiation in the wood. Measurements between 1.77 – 2.13 gray were recorded in the dead limbs and the bark was found to have levels between .025 – .096. This discovery led to further testing of additional organic materials from the main island, Amchitka, and the 5 closest islands. They also tested several older Harbor Seals and 12 senior Walruses. In each specimen, a minimum of .013 gray units was found; and the oldest of all the mammals, a Walrus named Kurt, recorded .027. These animals had been living radioactive lives and didn’t seem to be out of the norm (aside from a 3rd eye here and there or an extra flipper extending from the back loin). Without going into the whole long story, additional research posits a theory that nuclear testing in the South Pacific, starting in 1946, was responsible for the 1950s subpar Jacknut crop. They believe gamma rays floated on the trade winds, spilling out here and there with an unusually high concentration being left in the area of the Rat Islands. Then, in the 1970s, the underground nuclear testing on Amchitka would have likely caused the death of the 5 Jacknut trees. How the other 2 survived nobody knows, except maybe the rats.

    Several local legends benefitted from the Jacknut fruit phenomenon. And whether their careers would have turned out vastly different without this superfood no one can say for sure; but when considering the odds of stardom in any given field, it’s a safe bet that these individuals were beneficiaries of the secret power of Jacknuts. From Minnesota, Judy Garland (Grand Rapids) and Roger Maris and Bob Dylan (Hibbing) had extended family that worked on the Rat Islands. And from Wisconsin, Bud Grant’s Aunt Marge picked fruit up there for 37 years, a real trooper. North Dakota’s most famous Jacknut-touched person was Sven Olefson, who’s dad, Ole Svenfson, made the trip 3 times. Sven won the 1923 Pembina Red River Frozen Kayak race – the first, last, and only time that race was run. And while Sven went on to do great things with his life, his gravestone reads: “Here lies Sven Olefson,1903-1993, Champion of the 1923 Pembina Red River Frozen Kayak race, Loving Father & Husband, and pretty good at horseshoes” – with a post-script added about 10 years later “ski-jumped at 1924 olympics after losing bet with Thor – unofficial distance 293 meters”. You can bet the Jacknut fruit is to thank for that feat.

  • Boxed Sand Bento –

    Boxed Sand Bento –

    For the Class of ’22 especially and all of the students, staff, teachers, parents, & caregivers who endured, adapted, and overcame during the Covid 19 pandemic

    Earth tones, smart phones, summer memoirs in stones cast

    Stereo hums – beat of drums – life’s rhythm’s moving…  fast

    The hours we take, we make, we lose then find

    Relations forged in craggy gorge, not thru space nor thyme

    Waves flip & curl – masts unfurl – deep inside our mind

    seeking serenity, stoic genetically, ripping out the vine 

    Snarled bowed bent broken, yank the insides out – 

    Coursing through sinewed feels – No longer devout 

    Gaze upon your crushed & splintered – analyzing self

    Commence with sifting vital bits, stow on starboard shelf

    UnTangle unMangle winnow further still

    Don’t Stress —- be preoccupied — \/ — practice procrastination… 

    Flip it trip it grind gears, mill

    Efforts anchor medley of melancholic aspiration

    525 thousand ain’t enough to do the work

    Spit and polish not yet glitter, toiling in the murk

    Visions emerge whence lights converge, let the flickers grow

    What’s this you see? Basswood buds! peaking through the snow

    Amalgamate & Consecrate The Essence of the Now

    Circulate then annotate, life lived upon boats’ bow

    Misting skies breathe life to living

    Bespoke beSpeckled be kind be giving

    Toning bonds 

    Glints flight from ponds 

    This; This IS the thing, the essence of all that Is – here & not here & there & theirs

    With Hues of grey in tangled fray, where do souls grow?

    Kept from view, mixing roux, days of boxed sand bento 

    Images imagining immaculate impurities soothing & softening dreamscaped sky

    Fluttering flittering flogging floughetry – 

    Motion of the wrangled fly

    Just because it’s syncopated don’t mean it’s oh so complicated – 

    no need to get all aggravated, slow. your. roll.

    Keep the Keeper – shine the light – Ramble On in2 the night

    Regard the rails – raise your sails

    GO – & wander, Tones On Tails

    Black & Gold & Cree & Crow

    Passing on the telling

    River rise, knot the ties, mushroom-ton-a-Welling

    It’s great, We’re Great! … No – really- seriously, we are… aren’t we?

    But no one… is – mmm, — how u say? 

    Clean the filter, wipe the lens

    Demain- entre nous- flambeaux flambè

    Listen to Saturn the Oceans & Seas

    Talk to the Suns & the Moons 

    Fire-Water-Do Not Burn

    Breathe the ash of ruins

    Mineral min(e)d _ for simple time — passing by the bly

    Walk me out to find the fount & quaff elixir’s rye

    Tend the earth & plant new seed,

    Looking back – ere you lead

    Passions inspire mind’s collective quest

    Find your peoples, build your nest

    In parting prose we knot loose bows, none left in the lurch

    Strike the match & fan the flames with oil from life’s Birch

    Salted steeled integrity be present in thy breast

    Sing & whistle, Lavender Thistle, sop up all the zest  

  • Volantes Pisces Montis

    Volantes Pisces Montis


    We were about 100’ above the jagged & craggy mountain tops, just South of Patagonia’s southernmost region,Tierra del Fuego- in the Los Dientes de Navarino mountains,- when we spotted what is believed to be the last Volantes Pisces Montis (aka Flying Mountain Fish or Francisco’s Ballena Bebe – named after Argentinian explorer Francisco Moreno). The fish, likely a close relative of todays flying fish, when full grown is the size of an adult African elephant & could stay aloft for 15 minutes before needing to return to the ocean for oxygen & the salt that kept its fin skin from drying out while in flight. If you look just north of the photo’s center, you’ll see a shadow – I’m 99% certain that’s our Flying Mountain Fish. What an awesome creature!