muscle & bone tenssssing relentless – skin stretcccccched joints mangled brain dis-shev_om-bu__lated ([°}{°] _questioning never stops ( ‹ \ _questioning questions \~~` _gaslighting agitating ¬_˘ _¬ earrrrritating – earthheadquaches cranium cracked stretched beyond recognizable limit ∆ alien forms are Ï familiar ˘ not foreign
tussled hair eyes limbs – broken spirit bro_ken will frac||tured friendships multiple mishaps per minute or mmm… but it doesn’t taste good :\
chocolate & wine & whiskey & gin & vodka for filling flesh wounds & assuagingmore deeply disturbing soul suffocating shankings -> always expected… yet never ready for the moments -+-+ the moments, so many moments, one long moment, it comes in waves momentous waves ~>~>~> abrupt & pungent fed by each breath in & each breath out & all breath everywhere – no one knows because they can’t know • • • • • • • • • it’s not for knowing if you haven’t lived it _____intimately ______intensely ___all consuming ∫_bending ¬_breaking ∫∫_bending ¬¬_breaking ∫∫∫_bending ¬¬¬_breaking ∫∫∫∫_bending ¬¬¬¬_breaking
|\___ for broke
language has not found a word a phrase a book detailed enough to properly explain, to break down, to disassemble and reassemble – reverse engineer the feels, ª§ª§ª§ emotions, ¿•∏δ„ı˜Â¸ª§§§ confusion
Eeyore is sad depressed downtrodden eternal pessimist living the melancholonical life it is hard being a donkey who’s tail falls off, the world doesn’t know the struggles of living in the shadows of thoroughbreds with strange names, cute bears, smart owls, and clever rabbits, all more appealing to a child’s eye, all more retailable for retailing real-Taylors — Someone says, “he’s like Eeyore – always with a frown”.
head down, eyes glossed, smiles scared away, far far away below the cold waters – brain matters draped heavily over back of rocking chair, tilting • down • back • and • to the • left not lurching, straining weight of the world affixed to vagus – medulla labored heart Bradied a Bunch cardiac stasis performing life-support in slow-mo, no fucks to give – breath comes — or not aorta sputters, coughs out matter of facts! Before Kidney punches deep into the recess of loneliness and squid posterior – depression rages against an onslaught of bromidal joy
Less Than Zero, Brett Easton Ellis’ 1st novel, was released in 1985. The movie, a loose and overall above zero translation of the book hit movie screens 2 years later. The year after that, 1988, I read LessThan Zero for the first time – I was in eighth grade. That was my introduction to emotional dissonance as a form of temporary existence. I’ve since learned some people live their whole lives this way. The entirety of the novel has a melancholic ’80s vibe milieu veiling every scene, every moment, which is the way I felt for most of my life up to that point – and beyond. Even during the highest of highs, nothing ever felt quite right – like everything was going to be ok. Life felt as if I was in a rowboat adrift on Lake Superior shrouded in sea smoke – a simultaneously beautiful and strange experience but always wondering where exactly I was, what direction I was headed and intermittently despondent because I didn’t have any oars. Life was a lot then, so too now.
Fast-forward 40ish years and here we are, living through a new and different hell than the one we experienced during the 2nd “great” reconstruction under the morass of Reaganism. Then, much like today, we had an expanded domestic War on Drugs (or war on the financially disadvantaged, more specifically); Central & South American interventions – (then) in Nicaragua, El Salvador, Guatemala, and Chile; (now) in Venezuela, Panama, Colombia, Cuba, & Mexico; extremely one-sided economic policies benefitting the rich and costing the poor; neocons and neofascists supporting similar political ends in more public forums; and all the while being fed bullshit about it being some version of morning again in America. In many ways, societally, we are in a similar space – though less than zero theoretically, the major difference being technology developed in recent times and its reach.
What does this have to do with negative integers, you say. Well, much like the characters in Less Than Zero, we find a dichotomy occurring that is inherently coherent yet thoroughly disconcerting. The archetypes have similar backstories – good-looking, smart, wealthy, Southern California, – trappings generally associated with a “good life”. So it would be expected that they are relatively happy; But they’re not. All of them feign happiness at times, Julian even appears truly happy once or twice but under the surface they all have no idea what life is about and they assume happiness is supposed to be part of it. They’re simply going through the motions in hopes of uncovering a secret somewhere down the road. This isn’t all that different from most people at that age in life, we just didn’t know that back then. So what’s it mean? Maybe nothing, maybe a lot. It makes me think about the happiness paradigm as it existed then, and now, making it some kind of accessory that comes with certain lifestyles or socio-economic class. So the question is, is being happy the point? If so, I think we’ve failed, collectively, on a grand scale. But maybe the point isn’t about a particular emotional state, maybe it’s about existing in a space that feels ok more often than it doesn’t. Is that acceptable in 2026, when people are living in space? And therein lies the conundrum, can one exist in a state that is neither primarily joyful nor full of existential questions surrounding the meaning of life and interspersed with super-sized episodes of dread, fear, loathing, pain, etc.? And if there are other possible ways to exist, what are they? Reserved (Lutheran); Cold; Stoic (Scandinavian); Indifferent; Passive (Minnesotans & Brits); all of which I’ve embodied at various points and grew up surrounded by but often associated with an unpleasant existence. And, what if the emotional state is masked; externally happy-go-lucky but internally woebegone-staid-unfortunate; does it change the way we perceive the actual emotional state of those we’re viewing? I have no answers, only questions.
Connecting Then and Now
2025 witnessed the rollout of full-on fascism in American politics. The newly installed regime uses force to wield power and overrun anyone who opposes their goals. This return to the ways of the ante-bellum south, where slave catchers ran roughshod over the rights of citizens, has many Americans worried about what it means for our constitutionally defined government framework. Similarly, it seems as if many of our country-people are either unaware, unbothered, or wholly supportive of what’s happening. Do they not recognize themselves in historical photographs – violently attacking Civil Rights protesters? Lynching Black and Mexican Americans for ignoring White society’s expectations? Placing Japanese Americans in concentration camps? Firing LGBTQ individuals working in the Federal Government? How quickly we forget our past. We live in strange and horrible times… – Less Than Zero? No, but teetering.
So the question is, what do we do, as a nation, as a community, as individuals. I recommend resistance in any and every form conceivable. The Civil Rights movement required the work of the Student Non-Violent Coordinating Committee (SNCC), The Black Panther Party for Self-Defense, Malcolm X, and Students for a Democratic Society (SDS) as much as it needed the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, Diane Nash, John Lewis, and Bayard Rustin. Non-violence has a role, so too does violence, or at the very least the threat of violence. More often than not, power negotiates in bad-faith with those it deems weak or manageable. If we are to level the playing field where compromise can occur, joy and simplicity can coexist broadly, and diversity, equity and inclusion are seen as both necessary and proper by an overwhelming majority, the pen and the sword will both play a role. In addition to constant resistance, advocating with local, state and federal elected officials will galvanize them to fight.
Hereto, opposing political paradigms have intensified and compromise has largely gone the way of the Dodo. At this point, I must confess I’m more confused than I was when I started thinking about this subject, nearly 40 years ago. Less Than Zero really rattled my brain and it’s still vibrating. Maybe this is non-sensical and further evidence of just how far I’ve veered from the days of Cowboy Killers and Old Swill (which I still enjoy on occasion). Or maybe I don’t have the requisite moments of quiet to sit and think things through. Whatever the case, I’m still pondering these questions, subliminally more often but always there.
In Conclusion – We Are More Than Less Than Zero
Educate, advocate, disseminate goodness, go on and hate (fascists), don’t hesitate to complicate the goals and aims of the drumpf estate; move your body six-seven-eight, keep time with those who elevate, allow spirits and souls to reverberate, mix the roux of ‘Sota – love this state
gotta turn up the heat an’ expose ice-gate, move through the streets down Nicollet and Lake – participate in the change we’re making – now don’t be late; If we are to continue paradigmatically opposed, like indifference and hate, we should expect the situation to exacerbate – tensions, crimes, lawlessness, in the aggregate; then it’s time for change – time to create, something based on norms to which we all can relate Please donate to those in need, turn up and turn out, carry the weight; keep on keeping torches bright, find your people, celebrate!
Diamond Lake Creative is moving to St. Paul! We don’t know why. Maybe because it was across the proverbial road and we wanted to see what life is like when you slow it down (not being snarky, St. Paulites). Or maybe we thought being 25 minutes closer to the St. Croix river, which is the border between Wisconsin proper and Far Western Wisconsin (FWW), would be beneficial for its proximity to the Mecca of Cheesecurd Nation. Or maybe we’re joining the Minnesota Wild Hockey Club and liked the idea of living in the city the Wild call home(but you didn’t hear that from me)? Whatever the reason, Diamond Lake Creative is not becoming Lake Phalen Creative nor is Diamond Lake Bistro changing its name to Payne Park Bistro (though that has a nice ring to it…). We will continue on with the Diamond Lake monikers as they are a piece of our history and eventually Diamond Lake will become its own incorporated township – carved out of South MPLS – and we will be members of the inaugural Diamond Lake Guild of Dark NorwegianViking Yeomen.
Anyway, the new digs are old, 141 years old to be exact. The house once served as a layover for travelers heading West, like the Donners, who got Ooooh so close to the promised land but came up short by a few feet. Prior to that, it was a Minnesota Mastodon stable frequented by Caralinoswho traveled back and forth between their homeland in modern day Peru and the fertile valleys of the La Cloche Mountains – which are part of Lake Huron’s North Shore (the surfing used to be killer but since the last ice age ended its been meh). This journey was part of the Western Hemisphere’s Keeping up with the Joneses movement – competing with the Spice Road. The Indigenous peoples of the continents would trade Inti-sun butter, Chupacabra resistant mountain goat chèvre, quasi-lava-cultured Amarillo Llama milk, Mature Mastodon and Mammoth extra heavy cream, and Giant Ground Sloth GroGurt among other double fat dairy dee-lites. For a few hundred years locals referred to it as the Boulevard of Brumal Blubber Augmentation; but, as with many monikers, that came to be seen as too narrow and not entirely fitting a place that would soon be home to the Cadillac Ranch, the Arch in St. Louie, and the Santa Monica Pier. And while much of the rest of the beaten path has been lost to history, you can still find fragments of that time when exploring the area along U.S. Highway 8 between Weyerhauser and Hawkins in Wisconsin’s Northwoods.
What Does This Mean for America moving forward?
What in the name of all that is holy is happening here, you might be asking yourself. And that’s a darn good question. America has never before seen an upheaval so sudden and utterly confounding save for that one time in Harrisburg. Nobody really knows what happened in late July 1877 in the backcountry of Idaho’s Sawtooth Mountains and yet, it happened. And 3,500 years prior, events that were in no way connected to the future moving dilemma we face today were tearing apart a civilization that was founded on the idea of mint hash for all. What does this mean for our nation, a country “made great” by subjugating, enslaving, disabling, and killing anyone who stood in the way of unabated wealth accumulation of, by, and for the social elite? We can’t be entirely certain but there is one thing we do know… Mint hash never caught on as a major gateway drug.
If you’ve read this far and are more confused now than at any point in your life, that’s good, confusion is healthy when society is so completely broken, dismembered, bowelless, dead. Now we wait for the meteors to rain down so that “we” may begin again. And here I thought this was all leading to something grand, something hopeful, something, I don’t know, nice – but life is funny that way, funny not funny, I suppose, but funny nonetheless. Next time you’re in Key West, say Hi to Marsha and Salty Sam, they can be found laying on the beach near the 3rd palm from the end. Oh, they’re cats, not people, bring nip.
Wait! What About Those 14 Golden Years in Far Western Wisconsin’s Largest Metropolis?
Oh yeah, I forgot (ADHD keeps me going in 80 different directions simultaneously). Minneapolis is one of the most glorious places on earth. The waters are the lifeblood and the people, good eggs for the most part, are kind, intelligent, thoughtful, emotionally secure (more or less), passionate about making the world better, skilled in a variety of arts & trades, and have more great bakeries/patisseries, breweries, restaurants, bike hubs, and food trucks than cities twice the size. There are so many ways to experience the true spirit of ‘Sota in Minneapolis: kayaking Minnehaha Falls, biking 15 miles to work in a blizzard, being carried away by a mosquito the size of a 747, or enjoying a cat parade. But even more than all of those amazing options, the feel one gets when: brewery hopping for a month, getting eargasms at 1st Ave, eating your way thru Midtown Global Market, or freezing your bits off at the pond hockey championships, the instant community with people you might never see again, but for a moment are the Besties you never knew you needed, is indescribable. And while the stoicism spectrum here provides for many head scratching encounters, the people, again, generally speaking, have best intentions.
Cat incoming
Anyway, the rest of the story is like this… or pretty much so!
One would expect, in the cold climes of the Upper Midwest’s Capital (St.MinnePaulpolis) of all things on sticks, that shish-kebabs would be a bigger deal… but they’re not. Maybe it’s the walleyes’ fault (the State meat) – they don’t work as well on a stick, too floppy. Or maybe, after witnessing the shish-kebab debacle of 1887, in Northeast Iowa, Minnesotans gave a collective UFF-DA and vowed to never make the mistake of kebabing anything in mass production. Whatever the case, it’s not a thing here, and that’s ok. But what Minneapolitans & St. Paulonians do have is a common love of and dedication to supporting that which benefits the larger society/social upkeep/societal success, etc. We, much like US Marines, may argue and fight amongst ourselves about the best Jucy Lucy (it’s Matt’s) or the purpose of life (aside from the annual pilgrimage to The Greatest Fair on Planet Earth!) – but we’ve got our neighbor’s back if some guy from Florida starts talking out their ass. We’ll politely give them a mint and tell them their breath stinks.
A Note to Mother re: The Move
It’s now been 72 days, but who’s counting?
Dearest mother, it is now day 68 of this most arduous & exhausting moving experience. The weather has significantly delayed our efforts as the mules refuse to move while snow is falling. Upon cessation of the fucking flakes, the temperatures plummet & drift between 5° & 25° below zero causing Big Jake to lie down & bury his head in a drift. He’s not much for work in the winter – or the summer for that matter. Little Jacob caught the frostbite & we had to saw off 6 fingers & both thumbs… fortunately he has retained his left ring finger & right middle finger so we’re hopeful he’s still good enough to be marrying material. We can see the dirt floors in most of the house and therefore we know we are close to the end. God is providing abundance in the form of tears from Emma – she weeps all day & repeats some variation of “God, will they ever be fucking done?” We continue, ever forward – dying quietly and moving one piece of salt pork at a time. Give my love to father and sister Christian. Love your most benevolent son, Erik.
Either the brain image I had done last week or the map we used for moving to St. Paul… or maybe both
“Where do we go now?”, said Pooh; and Eeyore, never looking up from the thistles replied, “Who the fuck cares, Pooh – Who the fuck cares?”
And that is not an actual quote from any A.A. Milne book; nor would I expect such language from Eeyore, ever the optimist, cheerleader and go-getter. But the message serves as a lesson for us all, or for some of us. It matters not where you go or what you do so long as you do it with conviction and with no concern whatsoever for those who would prefer you live by their rules. We can’t spend our days trying to conform to every norm, following every law, bending over backward to ensure we don’t offend or frustrate the gate keepers. You only get one shot, the Book of Marshall reminds us, and if you don’t take a chance you’ll never know what if. So go ahead, rock the fucking boat, beat the drum of defiance, and keep the powers that be always wondering if their time has come. Moving is hard in the best of times and we haven’t seen those times yet.
The Arts – all of them, provide us with emotional support, spiritual comfort, physical rejuvenation, and the mental strength to face pretty much whatever the world throws at us. Flossing, on the other hand, promotes gum health, removes corn detritus, assists mouthwash with keeping your breath from stanking, and prevents coworkers and friends from pointing out the green pop of color embedded in your teeth. Both important, but one far more crucial than the other. If you’ve ever cried while watching the EDS Cat Herders commercial (created by Fallon), you know the importance of supporting the arts. If you sing along to songs in languages you are not fluent in, you know the importance of supporting the arts. If you’ve ever stared at bathroom stall poetry in a rancid dive-bar latrine and wondered, “what exactly do they mean by ‘good time’?”, you know the importance of supporting the arts. The arts are; much like You are; I am; she is. They exist independent of everything and yet, they are interconnected with every fiber of the universe.
Why supporting the arts matters?
Art gives meaning, gives hope, gives inspiration, and sometimes provides an impetus for self-reflection & introspection. Art also brings us together, in support of something, or against another thing, or to celebrate, or grieve, or just be. It is art that first gave naming rights to clay wine vessels. Long before “The Bank“, Greek Gods were purchasing entire pottery studios in order to get their names painted on the earthenware that would hold the best wine. Aphrodite’sAwesome A++ Assyrtiko and Dionysus’ Deconstructed Drunken Debauchery were but 2 of the more famous amphora marketing ploys. And without this critical step in the world of advertising, we’d never have the iconic Guaranteed Rate Field – what a shame that would be.
Without the Arts and without art, our world is nothing more than a magma infused orb assigned to breeding ground status for mosquitoes, sand fleas, and flying tarantulas. Support local arts. Support local artists. Support the people who make the protest songs and signs – they put themselves out there never knowing what awaits. For your community, for your city, for your fellow humans in the struggle – Donate, Give, Support. Local organizations re: Juxtaposition Arts, Springboard for the Arts, and Northeast MPLS Arts Association, in addition to many others, provide the space and mentorship that is otherwise lacking. There’s no time like the present to show your support for the community, the country, and the world.
Thanks for reading and being a part of the local arts community. We appreciate you and we love your style!!
Water Bill getting to be too much? Here’s how you can cut that thing by 75% or more. This isn’t a secret, unless you like secrets; the thing is, most folks assume that they need all kinds of water for all kinds of activities – that ain’t true. If you’re swimming, you probably need water. Flushing a toilet? Water will definitely make it easier. Trying to put out the fire your kid started in the front yard – water is the ticket. Aside from that, you can do without a lot of your water usage. I’ve outlined a number of ways to reduce the speed at which your water meter spins and get the gallon guzzling under control.
1: Stop doing dishes. You’re gonna eat off them again, yes? It’s just food on there, no need to waste water cleaning it when you’ll just get it dirty again. If it’s moldy, windex that shit, wipe with a paper towel and voila! What’s that, you’re not gonna use it again? Throw it away, fuck it.
2: How often are you showering? Anything more than once a month is too much. Oh, you work a job that makes you sweat a lot, that’s ok, use more deodorant, wherever you sweat. Put it on thick, that’ll stop the sweat from escaping those little pores. And if you’re living anywhere that the temperatures drop below 60 degrees for extended periods, you can just seal the shower off, you don’t need to clean up, you’re not that dirty. Maybe go jump in the creek once in a while, cut a hole in the ice if needed, but showering in cold weather is dumb.
3: Hand-washing? Stop! Why? Hand sanitizer, forks, spoons, knives, hammers, wrenches, screwdrivers, rivet-guns, sticks, there’s so many options that don’t require water. I know, I know, hand-washing kills germs – so does Everclear, and it tastes better than soap, trust me on that one. Wash a little, drink a little, I can’t believe this didn’t catch on in the 19th century.
4: Do you have a beautiful green “natural” lawn? Do you live in Phoenix, or Las Vegas, or Los Angeles? Or anywhere else that doesn’t provide for the organic upkeep of a lush emerald patch of earth? Stop watering! Grass grows just fine where it’s supposed to. If it’s not growing fine where you are, don’t try to be a hero and make your lawn beautiful just so the neighbors will feel bad about their patchy brown lot. Rocks are pretty and don’t require watering. Same for dirt, sand, driftwood, “weeds“, and any other shit that doesn’t require you to use water for their upkeep. If you feel the need to beautify the spaces around your home, hire an artist to paint stuff. Artists are really creative and they’ll come up with something that will provide a pleasing aesthetic for anyone passing by. If you’re living in an area classified as arid, semi-arid, or really cold, the idea of green lawns is just stupid. Stop it!
5: Here’s the big one… you don’t need to drink eight glasses of water a day; you don’t even need to drink one glass, you just need to eat more fruit and vegetables and drink more wine and beer. Fruit and veggies are between 80-95% water, approximately. Don’t waste water by filling a glass to drink, eat healthy food and you’ll get all the water you need. Or, if you’re like me, not ready to give up Sourdough, Patty Melts, Kettle Chips, & Chicken Fried Chicken… and not able to handle the volume of fruit/veg in addition to more delicious foods, up your intake of beer and wine. Similar to fruits and veggies, beer and wine are 80-95% water. You don’t need to drink water; tap, bottled, rehydrated, recycled, hydrogenated, dehydrated, semi-arid or any other variety – wine and beer are here for your hydration nation party. If you need more of an incentive to change your habits, consider this. Farmers rely on water to grow our food (both from the skies and from local aquifers and rivers). Without water that food won’t grow. Without that food, we won’t survive. Without survival of our species, other species will thrive… forget everything I wrote, let the ecosystems have their way, let other species thrive, let earth heal. Our time here is limited, a couple hundred years from now the wolves will ask the caribou, “where’d the weirdos go?” And the caribou will reply, “they faded away – returned to the cosmos to create new stardust”. That seems like an appropriate place to end.
The site is coming together and I take partial credit, like in high school when you 1/2-assed a homework assignment and the teacher said:
Well, it’s better than nothing, which isn’t saying much, but you gave it a shot, though not a very good shot, in fact if it was a basketball, the ball would have never left your hands… actually, nobody would have passed you the ball in the first place so you wouldn’t even be in the position to consider a shot, unless you were considering somebody else taking a shot, which is maybe what happened here – you got to thinking about your classmate’s doing their homework assignment and figured that because they were going to do a great job you didn’t need to create more work for me, given I already know all about the subject and because you have no immediate plans to work for NASA after graduation. And for that consideration, I thank you, and give you an 8/57. If you put your name on your paper, next time, I’ll add a couple tree points.
Now for the update
So anyway, six photo galleries are up, new ones will pop up occasionally, blog posts will continue regularly and unscheduled and never on time, and never being content, I’ll continuously update content in the off chance that anyone visits the site more than once. It’s coming along. I’m thinking about how I want to run the “store” piece of this site. Once that’s ironed out, photographs will be available for purchase via whichever service I’ve latched on to. And finally, the donations page will be up and running soon. Monetary donations and art supplies (new &/or good condition used) will be directed towards Public Schools, Community Centers, Senior Centers, and Services for individuals experiencing mental and/or physical health conditions. It’s coming along. I’m also trying to get my head around a gift option. Something where people can make a donation in exchange for a gift for a person, place, animal, etc. Nothing huge, no giant loon sculptures or 6’x12′ oil on canvas but a small piece of art – 1 of 1, maybe a bookmark, a painted notecard, a Thank You note, etc. etc. It’s coming along. If you have ideas, let me know. For my part, 8/57 is pretty ok, I do better on the art homework. Hope to see you soon. And a huge Thanks to Nate for all the work and expertise you’ve provided – Happy Trails
Hair Like Jesus was the name of the original barbershop in Nazareth. It took a while for business to pick-up because most people didn’t find hair styling/cutting to be a worthwhile expenditure. Eventually, maybe a decade before Jesus’ untimely death, the Caesar cut began to make waves throughout the Roman Empire. And while Tiberius didn’t wear this hair style, many of his adjutants and numerous Roman celebrities did. This was the period when the first t-shirts were printed with the JSMH & JCMH labels (Jesus Styles My Hair & Jesus Cuts My Hair). There were also hair-cutting disciples who would set-up pop-up barber stations throughout Judea, Samaria, & Galilee; many of them would hang a sign that read “Cutting Hair For Jesus”. This proved to be the zenith for Jesus’ popularity in the Roman Empire.
Jesus was not the only person to join the new profession. There were a number of high-profile individuals who took up the trade, to include the Holy Spirit. Most of these endeavors were short-(o)lived but there were two who pushed Jesus to constantly up his game. Peter, the disgruntled former trainer and assistant general manager for Pontius Pilate (at Pilate’s Pilates Provisions) cut a mean high and tight and was also very skilled at making curls work with, rather than against, the client’s facial attributes. Whereas the Holy Spirit used techniques that highlighted their spatial-awareness of skulls skill set while creating subtle differences between the stylings and hems of them and Jesus.
There are hundreds of wonderful parables, fables, and historically semi-accurate/articulate stories that give us a closer look at what the hair cutting industry was like during Jesus 1st run on earth. I’ve compiled a short list of some of my favorites, below. Most of these are available online from www.wwjr.bib; or if traveling, you can find brick & mortar sites of What Would Jesus Read: A Genesis of RevelationZ– Book Store, Snack Bar, & Spirits – in New York City, Los Angeles, New Orleans, Chicago, & Baltimore. Aside from the cutting and styling copycats, a number of professions emerged from the hair biz. Landscape design outfits and nail salons would spring forth seemingly overnight in neighborhood strip malls from Byzantium (Istanbul) to Yathrib (Madinah). Other, more esoteric ventures, e.g. exercise emporiums and makeover takeover palaces, had their 15 minutes of fame before fading away – like Tim Scott post inauguration. I’ve included several of these enterprises after the story section. In all, this period of early business history was less important for what it accomplished than for what it revealed; human nature’s desire for a more pleasing aesthetic goes back millennia. Be it a cut & color, a freshly groomed guinea pig or a well manicured fig tree, we prefer that which is easy on the eyes.
1/2 Truths, Tales, & Unchronicled Notes from the final decade of Christ in Palestine ————————————————– Hairy Stories from Jesus’ Barbershop: •The Truth Behind The Long-Haired Hippie Style ofRōmmies& Why Caesars wore the Caesar cut •The Hair Sweepers of Ancient Samaria •Hair Stylist School as Post-Water-Gathering option: Aveda before it was Aveda •That one time Jesus shaved, #2 – 2nd 2 None, into The Holy Spirit’s head •Jesus’ use of mechanical shears before electricity •Jesus Dyed my hair, but he didn’t die for my hair •Jesus cut Delilahs hair before she cut Sampson’s hair •Jesus fucked up the money changers because they didn’t tip him after getting their hair cut •Mary & Joseph got free haircuts when Jesus achieved the title of Master Hair Stylist – but they still payed for the color tints •Thomas doubted Jesus could give him a feathered look – & Jesus wept. But then, Thomas let Jesus cut his hair & he doubted nevermore, or at least until the YOLO controversy
•Before the Last Supper, Jesus offered all of his disciples a free haircut; they all took him up on the offer excepting Philip, he had recently gotten his hair styled by Mary Magdalene – she was secretly supporting Philip’s fashion designer dreams in exchange for his company •Jesus first job cutting hair was in a salon called Capillus Secare •Jesus once gave me a coupon for 10% off my next visit – good for the purchase of product or haircut; I used the coupon for the shearing of my sheep 🙂 Jesus wept. •Jesus barbershop was the most popular inPalestine because it offered complementary wine & unleavened leavened flatbread •The Holy Spirit, Jesus’ right hand spirit, extended special discounted laundry services if you were getting a cut & color •God The Spirit is sort of like Vodka – both spiritual, both worshipped/revered, & both enjoyed with orange juiceon Sunday mornings
•Jesus favorite thing to tell customers was “Healthy Hair is Happy Hair” Gaius Caesar Augustus Germanicus,a.k.a.Caligula/Gaius, often heard this when, as a child, he accompanied his father on hair-cutting errands. As Gaius lost his hair, he came to despise the saying and, by extension, Jesus and all of his long-haired customers/followers. However, after the crucifixion, Caligula had a change of heart. His appreciation for the work done by Jesus and Christ’s love for all people (well, all people who weren’t uber-wealthy assholes) touched Gaius in a way he wasn’t accustomed to. He spent his years as Emperor advocating for a complete expungement of Jesus’ criminal record, while eradicating the MAGAesque Senators who were prone to outlandish conspiracy theories and regularly quoted Diogenes of Sinope. Caligula, like all Caesars, was a complex fellow.
Things the Bible never told you: •Jesus uses the iPhone, in his 2nd act, to contact non-believers, it shows up as JSPAM, which many Midwesterners assume is Jalapeno SPAM and so they don’t answer •Jesus wasn’t a baker by trade, his unleavened flatbreads ended up airy & delightful (leavened with no leavening agent and seasoned perfectly every time), not what local foodies expected nor desired. Local chefs heckled him but Martha & Mary of Bethany would eat 8-10 of these earliest taboon breads each week. And Judas Iscariot set up a stall next to the barbershop & began selling the bread (and giving it away to the poor and oppressed, as instructed by Jesus). The stall never sold out; Jesus used his multiplication of loaves trick to keep bread stocked 24/7. •Jesus trimmed trees, & hair, & livestock by appointment. He didn’t allow animals larger than a standard ram or ewe in the shop but he had 6 stanchions out back and could accommodate additional animals at his home in Nazareth •Jesus, Mary, & Joseph Cabinetry & Contracting Services LLC (JMJCCS) was a short lived business venture due to customers’ complaints of Jesus’ constant preaching to them about the importance of not wearing garments that contained both wool and linen •Luke’s Landscape Designs (L.L.D.) was so successful that it still exists today – you know it better as Lowe’s •Mathew’s Mani-Pedi Mart (MMPM) doubled as a social club for Mani-Pedi Men (MPM). Mani-Pedi Men were known throughout the Roman Empire for their fabulous shows performing song and dance. Dressed in robes of silk adorned with red diamonds and rubies and and green onyx and emeralds (now you know where the Christmas color palette originated) their shows drew crowds similar to what one saw in the most popular coliseum events •Mark’s Makeover Palace (MMP) was the first licensed clinic, in the world, to provide gender affirming care. Mark’s oldest sibling, Joanna, was his first client and the reason he decided to open the clinic. In addition to hormone replacement therapy and puberty blockers, the clinic offered voice therapy, social service navigation, and mental health professionals available day and night •John’s House of Jellos, Jaffa Oranges, & Jams (JHJJOJ) turned every meal into a celebration. With the addition of citrus jellies, pâtés, teas, condiments, sauces, relishes and more, the days of bland falafel sandwiches and disappointing dolma were over. John passed away, unexpectedly, eaten by a destruction of caracal. Nevertheless, his ideas for fruit as primary subject, rather than side or accompaniment is carried on at Frog Hollow Farm. •Saul’s Balls: Party Planning Services for Galas, Soirées, Receptions, Reunions, Balls, and social gatherings of all types went the way of the Dodo long before the Dodo was killed off. Saul was caught hand-laundering money and was convicted for financially supporting the up and coming Zhou Dynasty (China) in exchange for the secret Zhou method of making 27 layer jello •King David’s Royal Dry-Sand-Cleaning, Sword Sharpening, Robe Repair, & Artisanal Hummus Bowls shops were the primary economic driver of Judah’s amazing quarter century of 7%+ annual growth rate. After King David’s death, King Solomon attempted to stay the course, economically, but due to the grass pollens and ragweed allergen plagues, Judah’s growth rate never topped 4.3%. •Sampson & Delilah’s Salon & Extreme Xercise Emporium (S&D’sSEXE) almost made it to America. They had a SEXE Club in London, when the Puritans made their first trip to the “new world”. The Puritans needed more money to secure a 2nd boat and S&D had the funds. They agreed to chip-in for the boat in exchange for a ride for the 3 owners, 5 employees and 14 pieces of club equipment. Less than 50 miles out of London, the S&D folk were thrown overboard. The equipment was spared and was stored in a pole shed just north of Salem. 100 years later a proper building was constructed and the club was once again active with a few minor changes – including the name – most call it The Y. •Archangel Allen’s Art Supplies & Aphrodisiacswas very popular with the Groths, a group of younger people who wore earth tones, primarily brown and green. Unfortunately, Allen succumbed to the allure of great riches and repute.The last time anyone saw him he was riding away on a pale green horse.
For the Class of ’22 – Southwest H.S. – especially; and all of the students, staff, teachers, parents, & caregivers who endured, adapted, and overcame during the Covid 19 pandemic
Earth tones, smart phones, summer memoirs in stones cast
Stereo hums – beat of drums – life’s rhythm’s moving… fast
The hours we take, we make, we lose then find
Relations forged in craggy gorge, not thru space nor thyme
Waves flip & curl – masts unfurl – deep inside our mind
seeking serenity, stoic genetically, ripping out the vine
Snarled bowed bent broken, yank the insides out –
Coursing through sinewed feels – No longer devout
Gaze upon your crushed & splintered – analyzing self
Commence with sifting vital bits, stow on starboard shelf
UnTangle unMangle winnow further still
Don’t Stress —- be preoccupied –Ɑ ✯ 𝛀 — -\\\- ☄️ ⽔ ✨– practice procrastination…
Flip it trip it grind gears, mill
Efforts anchor medley of melancholic aspiration
525 thousand ain’t enough to do the work
Spit and polish not yet glitter, toiling in the murk
Visions emerge whence lights converge, let the flickers grow
What’s this you see? Basswood buds! peaking through the snow
Amalgamate & Consecrate The Essence of the Now
Circulate then annotate, life lived upon boats’ bow
Misting skies breathe life to living
Bespoke beSpeckled be kind be giving
Toning bonds
Glints flight from ponds
This; This IS the thing, the essence of all that Is – here & not here & there & theirs
With Hues of grey in tangled fray, where do souls grow?
Kept from view, mixing roux, days of boxed sand bento
(S) No, we shouldn’t make something – you should make something
(G) Because you can’t even boil water without burning your eyebrows?
(S) No, because I have to feed my cat before he freaks out
(G) How long does that take?
(S) Like 30 minutes?
(G) What? Why?
(S) I have to sing Our House but the Sheena Easton version, so using my falsetto, while preparing his meal; and then I have to sit with him while he eats, humming Avett Brothers & Tina Turner songs otherwise he won’t eat anything and then I have to give him ear massages after he’s done eating and sing Tiny Dancer repeatedly until he falls asleep, usually takes about 30 minutes
(G) Ok No, no, no, no, no, no… NO! Not ok, Sebastián, you cannot be that obsequious – especially with your cat.
(S) Why?
(G) Sebastián! He’s a cat – a very handsome, adorable, winsome, spoiled furry little ball of mischief, which is why you are compelled to kowtow to every whim, but no, that’s too much. He can eat without your singing, he just prefers you give him your undivided attention, kind of like me 🙂
(S) What if he doesn’t eat?
(G) Do you really think he’ll just go on a hunger strike until you cave?
(S) Maybe, I mean, I’ve never thought about it
(G) How old was he when you adopted him?
(S) three
(G) Three, and he was alive?
(S) What? Yeah, he was alive
(G) So he must of been eating prior to your kitty boudoir sessions, right?
(S) OK, Grace, it’s not a kitty boudoir and yes, he was eating, but he was on the streets, surviving, there was no one to give him the attention he needed, I could tell he was a sensitive soul when I met him in the park
(G) I’m sure you could, but trust me, he’ll eat whether or not he’s getting the royal treatment
(S) You may be right, but we won’t know today, I’m going to feed him, do you wanna start prepping some veggies for a stir fry? Or just open some wine and wait til I’m done?
(G) I’ll open wine, red or white?
(S) Either’s fine
(G) Have you ever asked Romeo about his life on the streets?
(S)- — —— ummmm, yeaaaaahhhh…
(G) And…
(S) And it was rough, but also exciting
(G) What did he tell you was exciting
(S) He used to go dumpster diving behind a pizza joint and him and his brothers would have to fight off rats the size of chihuahuas to get the best scraps – he doesn’t really look like a bad-ass but he’s got that feral brutality that’s innate in most alley cats
(G) Your grasp of cat has gotten really good, how’s his English coming along?
(S) Really well, he’s a fast learner – last week I was watching a cooking show with a Canadian sushi chef making sushi and ramen and Romeo went right up to the screen and tried to paw the tuna off the table but ignored the salmon.
(G) What does that have to do with his English skills
(S) He was reading the subtitles to figure out which was tuna and which was salmon, that’s how he knew
(G) He was reading subtitles… ummm, ok, 1st, why did you have subtitles on for a cooking show on the Food Network? 2nd, what makes you believe he prefers tuna to salmon? and 3rd, When do you see your therapist next?
(S) I always have subtitles on, it helps me with my Spanish and Romeo is fluent in Spanish; and he likes tuna better, whenever I bring home sushi he’ll eat the tuna but not the salmon – though he does eat the cream cheese from around the salmon on the Philadelphia rolls; and I’m seeing Sean on Thursday, why?
(G) Spanish? You speak Spanish? Since when?
(S) Well, no, I don’t, aside from muchas gracias and por favor, but I’m learning using the subtitles. Like cerveza is beer and tequila is tequila and azul is blue and amarillo is yellow
(G) Wow, I had no idea, that’s pretty incredible, I’ll bet by next year you’ll know more colors and how to say rum, vodka, & whiskey
(S) Yeah, and I’ll learn how to ask questions like How are you, kitty?
(G) Como Estas, gatito?
(S) what?
(G) Como Estas? it means How are you; and gatito is kitty, gato is cat
(S) How do you know that?
(G) I took Spanish all through high school and for three years in college and I worked in a restaurant and 2 of the cooks were from Guatemala, I talked with them a lot when we were slow.
(S) So you’ve been speaking Spanish for like 10 years and you never told me?
(G) You never asked
(S) Have you not noticed my attempts to properly enunciate Spanish words when we’re ordering at Valentina’s Cocina?
(G) Yes, & I’ve never laughed at you, not out loud anyway
(S) never laughed at me? what do you mean? is it that bad?
(G) It’s not good
(S) Fine, I’ll switch to French subtitles, I already know how to count to 10 in French
(G) That probably makes more sense as we may be spending more time in Canada in the coming years
(S) What? Why? Don’t tell me – you’ve been playing hockey since you were 5 and you were on the Juniors National Team for a few years
(G) I started when I was 4, not 5, and was on the Junior Olympics team once – but that’s not why we’d spend time in Canada, though that’s definitely a bonus
(S) So you speak Spanish fluently, you’re like a semi-professional hockey player, and you have perfect teeth – why are you in Wayzata?
(G) I don’t know, I guess I like being close to you
(S) What? Really? Shut-up!
(G) I’m serious, you’re like, my best friend and that’s more important than being somewhere cooler without you
(S) O.M.G. – Grace, like, I know that we’re best friends and that we love each other immensely, & that life is way better when you’re here and not somewhere else but I guess I didn’t think about it like this. I love you for that, for thinking about it in that way, like kind of serious but not all sappy and dumb but like real… and I love you for being you, and I’m going to get a job and move out of my parent’s lake-house and we’re gonna go live somewhere with more whales and dolphins and shaved ice and warm weather
(G) Whoa, slow down, Turbo, I’m all in on the shaved ice and warm weather, and I love whales and dolphins, and you, but you said “more whales and dolphins…”
(S) Well, we don’t have any of those in Lake Minnetonka, at least not that I know of
(G) Yeah no, we definitely don’t have any ocean creatures in the lake. So when do we leave?
(S) I have to sweep out the garage and put some dishes in the dishwasher but then I’ll be ready
(G) So like an hour?
(S)No, probably about 6-8 hours?
(G) What? Why?
(G) Before I sweep out the garage I have to pick up all of the loose hay and bundle it back into a bail so the birds won’t fly off with it and then I have to hand-wash the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher because if you don’t hand-wash them first you’ll probably find bits of food stuck to forks and plates and pickle jars and tuna tins – which need to be soaked in hot water with Dawn dish soap, the tuna tins that is, so the oil dissipates before putting the liquid down the drain and putting the tin in the dishwasher, and then I have to wait for the dishwasher to run through a cycle and shut off so there’s no risk of an electrical fire
(G) OK, I’ll be drinking wine and watching karaoke videos, let me know when you’re ready
