From Merriam-Webster:
appropriate 2 of 2
ap·pro·pri·ate ə-ˈprō-prē-ˌāt
appropriated; appropriating
1
: to take exclusive possession of : annex
No one should appropriate a common benefit.
2
: to set apart for or assign to a particular purpose or use
appropriate money for a research program
3
: to take or make use of without authority or right
natural habitats that have been appropriated for human use
AS OPPOSED TO:
If I be drunk, please let me be
Maybe prop me up if I need to pee
If I be drunk, I promise I’m fine
I’ll sober myself in the course of due time
If I be drunk, I’m probably warm
Pants may come off, that’s usually the norm
If I be drunk, please don’t tell my boss
She’s not real happy when I’m on the sauce
If I be drunk, I might dance on a table
Be ready to run, I won’t be so stable
If I be drunk, & by drunk – I Mean Rurnt
Do not be nervous, I’m already turnt
If I be drunk, I will want some grub
Scrapple & eggs & grits & bub
If I be drunk, I’ll try not to sing
Wait, no, no chance, you know Paper Rings?
If I be drunk, it might be to cope
The world is fucked, I’ve lost so much hope
If I be drunk, consider the sitch
Dystopian nightmare & me eyes often twitch
If I be drunk, it won’t be for long
I’ll straighten right up – once Cheech smokes out Chong
If I be drunk, I promise – my dear
I’ll try real hard to not spill my beer
If I be drunk, might get a tattoo
Portrait of cat, sitting in loo
If I be drunk, & meet with Jeff Be – zos
I hope that fucker ain’t eating my que – sos
If I be drunk, it’s probably late
Though possibly early, depends on my state
If I be drunk, I could make us some eggs
But really, don’t ask – if there’s still untapped kegs
If I be drunk, in time I’ll be drunker
Probably best if I don’t drive my clunker
If I be drunk, the moon must be out
Have I told you about that time I had gout?
If I be drunk, please feed the cats
I tend to forget when drinking from vats
If I be drunk, we must toast your success
I’d like to toast mine but I’m a hot fucking mess
If I be drunk, I might quote Faust
And in case you’re wondering, I’ll include notes from Proust
If I be drunk, inevitably someone will say
For fuck’s sake man, you’re in my fucking way
To which I will quietly retort
Piss off ya hoser, pour me a port
If I be drunk, you know, completely shatfaced
My friend may – affectionately – call me rat face
If I be drunk, my keys are over there
Just past the goats on the eight legged chair
If I be drunk, please shush your mouth
I’ll lay where I lie & I’ll piss on your couch
If I be drunk, or if drunk I be
Fer the love of Christ & Baby Jesus, don’t bring me iced tea
If I be drunk, you just may find
I move left & then right, can’t walk a straight line
If I be drunk as Christmas draws near
I’ll greet you with bells on – shit-tons of cheer
If I be drunk on the eve of the Eve
I’m probly having grasshoppers with Willie and Steve
If I be drunk on Christmas Eve proper
I’m caroling with Oprah, Nigel Hayes & Mark Knopfler
If I be drunk, and it’s Christmas Day
I’m at the North Pole, passed out in a sleigh
If I be drunk and Christmas be past
I’m at Barnes & Noble reading Condé Nast
If I be drunk at midnight 31 December
It’s a solid bet I will not remember
If I be drunk on 2 January,
The only things dry are my martini & my sherry
So if I be drunk & you happen upon me
We can talk about Love — & Rodgers & Majikowski
Or if I be schnookered & I’m itching for a fight
We can talk Vikings Super Bowl titles, or whatever, all night
& if I be drunk, past 3 sheets to the wind
I’ve stopped putting tonic in with my gin
If I be drunk, like McNulty & Bunk
Before you drive off, make sure I’m not in your trunk
If I be drunk on white wine or whiskey
I’m no longer averse to being quite risky
If I be smashed, like FUBAR but more
much obliged if you’d join me down here on the floor
If I be super drunk & time disappears
DO NOT let me talk you into a few more beers
If I be drunk, I’ll try not to repeat What I’ve already said already
But fuck, I’m drunk, I think my name’s Ted or Betty
And if I be drunk, I may slur my words
You can shut me up with some deep fried cheese curds
If I be drunk y empiezo a hablar español
Estoy muy borracho y trataré de caminar a Mexico
If I be drunk & it looks like I’ll fall,
no worries friend, I’m just holdin’ up this wall
If I be drunk & at your party show-up,
please – do not – hand me – a red – solo – cup
If I be drunk, pie eyed & plastered indeed,
I will not follow-nor will I lead
If I be drunk on thee cheapest rot gut,
It’s just a matter of time before I give you a YUUUUUT!
If I be drunk on the 5th of September,
don’t ask, I do not remember
If I be drunk on 15 October,
it’s our anniversary, of course I’m not sober
If I be drunk & it’s November ten
I drinks for The Corps, Bigbird, and the souls of Edmund Fitzgerald’s 29 men
If I be drunk & pass out in the park,
neighbors will talk & Dogs, they will bark
If I be drunk & the walls go to spinnin
Likelihood of hurling goes up by six trillion
If I be drunk and try making bread
Remind me I’m drunk then lock me in the shed
If I be drank, to say next level drunk
No need to poke me, I’m not getting up
If I be drunk and don’t pay my bill,
I’ll pay double tomorrow, put a note in the till
If I be drunk and start talkin’ shit
Ya might wanna record, I’m known for my wit
(Grace) I’m hungry
(Sebastián) Me to
(G) Should we make something?
(S) No, we shouldn’t make something – you should make something
(G) Because you can’t even boil water without burning your eyebrows?
(S) No, because I have to feed my cat before he freaks out
(G) How long does that take?
(S) Like 30 minutes?
(G) What? Why?
(S) I have to sing Our House but the Sheena Easton version, so using my falsetto, while preparing his meal; and then I have to sit with him while he eats, humming Avett Brothers & Tina Turner songs otherwise he won’t eat anything and then I have to give him ear massages after he’s done eating and sing Tiny Dancer repeatedly until he falls asleep, usually takes about 30 minutes
(G) Ok No, no, no, no, no, no… NO! Not ok, Sebastián, you cannot be that obsequious – especially with your cat.
(S) Why?
(G) Sebastián! He’s a cat – a very handsome, adorable, winsome, spoiled furry little ball of mischief, which is why you are compelled to kowtow to every whim, but no, that’s too much. He can eat without your singing, he just prefers you give him your undivided attention, kind of like me 🙂
(S) What if he doesn’t eat?
(G) Do you really think he’ll just go on a hunger strike until you cave?
(S) Maybe, I mean, I’ve never thought about it
(G) How old was he when you adopted him?
(S) three
(G) Three, and he was alive?
(S) What? Yeah, he was alive
(G) So he must of been eating prior to your kitty boudoir sessions, right?
(S) OK, Grace, it’s not a kitty boudoir and yes, he was eating, but he was on the streets, surviving, there was no one to give him the attention he needed, I could tell he was a sensitive soul when I met him in the park
(G) I’m sure you could, but trust me, he’ll eat whether or not he’s getting the royal treatment
(S) You may be right, but we won’t know today, I’m going to feed him, do you wanna start prepping some veggies for a stir fry? Or just open some wine and wait til I’m done?
(G) I’ll open wine, red or white?
(S) Either’s fine
(G) Have you ever asked Romeo about his life on the streets?
(S)- — —— ummmm, yeaaaaahhhh…
(G) And…
(S) And it was rough, but also exciting
(G) What did he tell you was exciting
(S) He used to go dumpster diving behind a pizza joint and him and his brothers would have to fight off rats the size of chihuahuas to get the best scraps – he doesn’t really look like a bad-ass but he’s got that feral brutality that’s innate in most alley cats
(G) Your grasp of cat has gotten really good, how’s his English coming along?
(S) Really well, he’s a fast learner – last week I was watching a cooking show with a Canadian sushi chef making sushi and ramen and Romeo went right up to the screen and tried to paw the tuna off the table but ignored the salmon.
(G) What does that have to do with his English skills
(S) He was reading the subtitles to figure out which was tuna and which was salmon, that’s how he knew
(G) He was reading subtitles… ummm, ok, 1st, why did you have subtitles on for a cooking show on the Food Network? 2nd, what makes you believe he prefers tuna to salmon? and 3rd, When do you see your therapist next?
(S) I always have subtitles on, it helps me with my Spanish and Romeo is fluent in Spanish; and he likes tuna better, whenever I bring home sushi he’ll eat the tuna but not the salmon – though he does eat the cream cheese from around the salmon on the Philadelphia rolls; and I’m seeing Sean on Thursday, why?
(G) Spanish? You speak Spanish? Since when?
(S) Well, no, I don’t, aside from muchas gracias and por favor, but I’m learning using the subtitles. Like cerveza is beer and tequila is tequila and azul is blue and amarillo is yellow
(G) Wow, I had no idea, that’s pretty incredible, I’ll bet by next year you’ll know more colors and how to say rum, vodka, & whiskey
(S) Yeah, and I’ll learn how to ask questions like How are you, kitty?
(G) Como Estas, gatito?
(S) what?
(G) Como Estas? it means How are you; and gatito is kitty, gato is cat
(S) How do you know that?
(G) I took Spanish all through high school and for three years in college and I worked in a restaurant and 2 of the cooks were from Guatemala, I talked with them a lot when we were slow.
(S) So you’ve been speaking Spanish for like 10 years and you never told me?
(G) You never asked
(S) Have you not noticed my attempts to properly enunciate Spanish words when we’re ordering at Valentina’s Cocina?
(G) Yes, & I’ve never laughed at you, not out loud anyway
(S) never laughed at me? what do you mean? is it that bad?
(G) It’s not good
(S) Fine, I’ll switch to French subtitles, I already know how to count to 10 in French
(G) That probably makes more sense as we may be spending more time in Canada in the coming years
(S) What? Why? Don’t tell me – you’ve been playing hockey since you were 5 and you were on the Juniors National Team for a few years
(G) I started when I was 4, not 5, and was on the Junior Olympics team once – but that’s not why we’d spend time in Canada, though that’s definitely a bonus
(S) So you speak Spanish fluently, you’re like a semi-professional hockey player, and you have perfect teeth – why are you in Wayzata?
(G) I don’t know, I guess I like being close to you
(S) What? Really? Shut-up!
(G) I’m serious, you’re like, my best friend and that’s more important than being somewhere cooler without you
(S) O.M.G. – Grace, like, I know that we’re best friends and that we love each other immensely, & that life is way better when you’re here and not somewhere else but I guess I didn’t think about it like this. I love you for that, for thinking about it in that way, like kind of serious but not all sappy and dumb but like real… and I love you for being you, and I’m going to get a job and move out of my parent’s lake-house and we’re gonna go live somewhere with more whales and dolphins and shaved ice and warm weather
(G) Whoa, slow down, Turbo, I’m all in on the shaved ice and warm weather, and I love whales and dolphins, and you, but you said “more whales and dolphins…”
(S) Well, we don’t have any of those in Lake Minnetonka, at least not that I know of
(G) Yeah no, we definitely don’t have any ocean creatures in the lake. So when do we leave?
(S) I have to sweep out the garage and put some dishes in the dishwasher but then I’ll be ready
(G) So like an hour?
(S)No, probably about 6-8 hours?
(G) What? Why?
(G) Before I sweep out the garage I have to pick up all of the loose hay and bundle it back into a bail so the birds won’t fly off with it and then I have to hand-wash the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher because if you don’t hand-wash them first you’ll probably find bits of food stuck to forks and plates and pickle jars and tuna tins – which need to be soaked in hot water with Dawn dish soap, the tuna tins that is, so the oil dissipates before putting the liquid down the drain and putting the tin in the dishwasher, and then I have to wait for the dishwasher to run through a cycle and shut off so there’s no risk of an electrical fire
(G) OK, I’ll be drinking wine and watching karaoke videos, let me know when you’re ready
Let me tell you somethin’ about this joint – it ain’t a tent revival for the wretched of the earth, we don’t need no tent for our revivals; it ain’t a place to wrestle with your investment portfolio and plans for a lovely low-fucking-key retirement in Fiji; an’ it ain’t a dad-gum fire-station turned nightclub with too many speakers and too few barkeeps. We don’t sell crepes and we don’t allow the smoking of electronic shit – if you wanna smoke, get a lighter and a pack of Marlboro’s or P-funks or Newports or Virginia Slims if you’re of a certain age . We’ve got: flowers by the bushel – fresh cut, dried, potted, & planted; popcorn and peanuts in paper bags; salamander saliva comin’ out our ears; and we play a mean game of Sheepshead. Our squirrels dance the two-step and our dogs bark on 2 & 4. We’ve no way of knowing how long we’ve been here and we don’t really know that our existence herein wasn’t always so. We’ll paint your toenails with a Sharpie and your knee-pits with vinegar and oil. The last person who tried to keep us from singing our songs ended up in tar pit, on Mercury. If you got a story to tell, we’re all ears. Ya got somethin’ to sell, not here (un’ ess you’ve got some peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies). The bar in Diamond Lake Bistro opens at 06:00 E.S.T. and closes at 05:00 C. S. T. The bistro’s kitchen is open 24/7 but ticket times run long between 17:30 – 22:00 and again between 02:00 – 07:00. If you need a bath, we got a pool in Diamond Lake Gardens, out back. If you need a therapist, we’ve got 3 honest-to-god bartenders and a bar-back who doubles as the bouncer. If you need someone to hit you upside the head with a cast iron pan, Tommie ‘ll come out the kitchen and see you. She don’t cook steaks past rare and she don’t put up with no shit from the clientele; and if you look her way with the slightest “you don’t scare me” attitude, you damn sure won’t be the first s.o.b. to find your nose closer to your ear than it was before you met Tommie. At Diamond Lake Creative, we make art, lots of art, all different kinds in all different fashions and we don’t give a shit whether you like it or eat it or talk about it like it’s a god-damn masterpiece gone awry and could easily be mistaken for a bag of flaming hammered-dog-shit on Mitch McConnell’s front porch. We make art for people who live life without pretensions and who don’t have overt ostentatious oligarchic tendencies. We make art for the people who Rock It, every fucking day, in pajamas on their couch or in the corporate office surrounded by a culture of stupidity that’s overshadowed by a mission to maximize wealth accumulation and grovel to shareholder concerns. We make art for those who don’t have art made for them – the beat-down who get up every single time they’re knocked to the ground, the quiet souls who rage against the garrulous assholes who are completely unintelligible but still find their way up the ladder of dumbfuckery. We make art for us, the one’s who know when we’re being sold a bill of goods and raise our middle fingers to salute the ass-a-nati from whom we buy our days old bread. Do take some time to peruse our site and see if anything tickles your fancy, or maybe irritates it. And if you have any questions, concerns, complaints, observations, or recommendations, you’ll find contact information on the page that has contact information. Thanks for stoppin’ by, watch your head, the doorways were installed in the 1850s.
