Diamond Lake Creative

Author: ladylake

  • Cat Clouds to Replace Mushroom Clouds

    Cat Clouds to Replace Mushroom Clouds

    Nuclear Proliferation is Scary – Cats aren’t

    Cloud creators from four countries are working with a renowned undergraduate from Liberty University – who is studying Radio and Active Falling Clouds – in hopes of creating a new type of radioactive mushroom cloud. The group spent most of the first year weighing the pros and cons of various animal shaped clouds before settling on the domestic cat. Beeargh, the leader of the working group said, “the biggest obstacle was deciding whether it was more important to make the cloud appear as an emoji – basic outline with eyes, nose, ears and whiskers, maybe a body, maybe a tail, unless we chose a Bobtail, that would be a far more difficult prototype – or if we wanted to focus on a specific breed – Norwegian Forest Cat, Canadian Sphynx, Siberian Forest Cat, Egyptian Mau, Maine Coon, etc. In the end, we figured that a more generic cat cloud would eliminate the possibility of entire nation’s/region’s being labeled as ‘Pro Nuke’ or ‘Anti-Mushroom Cloud’, and that was a really important piece of the larger discussion”.

    Having the Right Stuff to be a Cloud Creator

    Malackhi, the 20 year-old Liberty student heading up the AI word processing language matrix is still kind of shocked by being picked for this mission (code-name: Operation Nukem-Kitty). He said, I realize that my qualifications were over and above the stated job requirements: ‘White; Male; Conservative; Born Again, Again; Enjoys Looking at Clouds; Alpha-Alpha; Speaks Using Tongue and mandible; Signed Virginity Pledge; Signed Tax-Evasion Pledge; Signed J-6 Innocence Project Pledge; Defender of Evangelical Rights and Wrongs; In Possession of No Less Than 27 Arms – or 21 Arms & 8 Legs; Fluent in English, God Bless The USA Bible, Hyperbole, Dipshit, and Doublespeak; and Has Demonstrable Experience Using a Fryer and Flat-top Griddle’; but I think what sealed it was my close and personal relationship with Uncle Jerry (Jerry Falwell Jr.). Uncle Jerry takes me to Las Vegas twice a year and we pray over people who are addicted to gambling or drugs or drink or sex or shopping or Boba Tea, or DEI, or pretty much anything that goes against God – we usually pray over 10-20 folks each morning and then retire to the pool for the rest of the day. We need to rest-up before going soul-saving each night. Mostly we’re looking for sinners at The Peppermint Hippo and The Spearmint Rhino and while we don’t always find sinners, we do always have fresh breath”.

    Nuclear Cloud Testing Logistics

    The team says they are about 2 weeks away from testing their first cloud and that the location cannot be shared as it would ruin the surprise. They want to get people’s honest reactions to a nuclear blast that provides a more pleasing cloud aesthetic. “If we told everyone where we were gonna drop the bomb, there’d be a mad rush to get to the spot so they could take pictures and videos”, Peter of St. Petersburg said – he added, “That would absolutely destroy any credibility offered by a post-mortem of our bi-polar scale survey. We spent a lot of time getting the wording just right so there wouldn’t be any inherent bias for or against mushroom or cat clouds. I mean, if people knew about it and then did the survey, how do you think they’d answer a question like ‘When you first heard the blast, were you scared that you were going to see a mushroom cloud?’. Nobody’d be scared, maybe surprised when it turned out to be a cute cat cloud, but definitely not scared. So we’re keeping the location under lock and key until we get everything set-up.”

    Punk Rock Girl - Tortie cat with pink chalk decorating her fur

    Having now dedicated more than 18 months of their lives to this project, the team feels like anything short of perfection is not good enough. Beeargh concluded with this astute observation; “Our nation deserves a better cloud image for future nuke drops. If we expect America to be respected by the rest of the world, we need to soften the edges associated with war and highly enriched uranium. I think a radioactive cat cloud is a good first step in that direction”. The best they can hope for is a highly successful first run. If they don’t get it right, there may not be a 2nd opportunity as all 5 members of the team will be on location to witness the event. Good Luck to all involved and God Speed!

  • Cut Your Water Bill by 75% or More

    Cut Your Water Bill by 75% or More

    Water Bill getting to be too much? Here’s how you can cut that thing by 75% or more. This isn’t a secret, unless you like secrets; the thing is, most folks assume that they need all kinds of water for all kinds of activities – that ain’t true. If you’re swimming, you probably need water. Flushing a toilet? Water will definitely make it easier. Trying to put out the fire your kid started in the front yard – water is the ticket. Aside from that, you can do without a lot of your water usage. I’ve outlined a number of ways to reduce the speed at which your water meter spins and get the gallon guzzling under control.

    1: Stop doing dishes. You’re gonna eat off them again, yes? It’s just food on there, no need to waste water cleaning it when you’ll just get it dirty again. If it’s moldy, windex that shit, wipe with a paper towel and voila! What’s that, you’re not gonna use it again? Throw it away, fuck it. 

    2: How often are you showering? Anything more than once a month is too much. Oh, you work a job that makes you sweat a lot, that’s ok, use more deodorant, wherever you sweat. Put it on thick, that’ll stop the sweat from escaping those little pores. And if you’re living anywhere that the temperatures drop below 60 degrees for extended periods, you can just seal the shower off, you don’t need to clean up, you’re not that dirty. Maybe go jump in the creek once in a while, cut a hole in the ice if needed, but showering in cold weather is dumb. 

    3: Hand-washing? Stop! Why? Hand sanitizer, forks, spoons, knives, hammers, wrenches, screwdrivers, rivet-guns, sticks, there’s so many options that don’t require water. I know, I know, hand-washing kills germs – so does Everclear, and it tastes better than soap, trust me on that one. Wash a little, drink a little, I can’t believe this didn’t catch on in the 19th century.

    4: Do you have a beautiful green “natural” lawn? Do you live in Phoenix, or Las Vegas, or Los Angeles? Or anywhere else that doesn’t provide for the organic upkeep of a lush emerald patch of earth? Stop watering! Grass grows just fine where it’s supposed to. If it’s not growing fine where you are, don’t try to be a hero and make your lawn beautiful just so the neighbors will feel bad about their patchy brown lot. Rocks are pretty and don’t require watering. Same for dirt, sand, driftwood, “weeds“, and any other shit that doesn’t require you to use water for their upkeep. If you feel the need to beautify the spaces around your home, hire an artist to paint stuff. Artists are really creative and they’ll come up with something that will provide a pleasing aesthetic for anyone passing by. If you’re living in an area classified as arid, semi-arid, or really cold, the idea of green lawns is just stupid. Stop it!

    5: Here’s the big one… you don’t need to drink eight glasses of water a day; you don’t even need to drink one glass, you just need to eat more fruit and vegetables and drink more wine and beer. Fruit and veggies are between 80-95% water, approximately. Don’t waste water by filling a glass to drink, eat healthy food and you’ll get all the water you need. Or, if you’re like me, not ready to give up Sourdough, Patty Melts, Kettle Chips, & Chicken Fried Chicken… and not able to handle the volume of fruit/veg in addition to more delicious foods, up your intake of beer and wine. Similar to fruits and veggies, beer and wine are 80-95% water. You don’t need to drink water; tap, bottled, rehydrated, recycled, hydrogenated, dehydrated, semi-arid or any other variety – wine and beer are here for your hydration nation party.
    If you need more of an incentive to change your habits, consider this. Farmers rely on water to grow our food (both from the skies and from local aquifers and rivers). Without water that food won’t grow. Without that food, we won’t survive. Without survival of our species, other species will thrive… forget everything I wrote, let the ecosystems have their way, let other species thrive, let earth heal. Our time here is limited, a couple hundred years from now the wolves will ask the caribou, “where’d the weirdos go?” And the caribou will reply, “they faded away – returned to the cosmos to create new stardust”. That seems like an appropriate place to end.

  • 30 Minutes Meals: Not as Hard as it Used to Be

    30 Minutes Meals: Not as Hard as it Used to Be

    101 thirty minute meals for ADHD Adults who enjoy cooking… but are frustrated by the amount of time it takes to make a “30 minute meal” – which can range from 90 minutes to four+ hours.
    The following list requires little to no cooking and can be found nationwide in local grocers or fast-food joints – with obvious exceptions e.g. Skyline Chile, WHATABURGER, Taco John’s etc.

    1. Skyline Chili
    2. Sazerac
    3. Jerry’s German Potato Salad with black pepper and hot sauce
    4. Manhattan
    5. McDonald’s
    6. Blackberry Brandy (Jeżynówka)
    7. Pint/Quart of Ice Cream
    8. Ritz Crackers
    9. Wendy’s
    10. 2 slices of pizza from a local slicery
    11. Gins & Tonics
    12. Pigshit & sauerkraut (if pigs nearby and sauerkraut in fridge)
    13. Taco John’s 
    14. Hawaiian rolls with ranch dressing
    15. Whiskey Coke
    16. peanut butter, jelly, spoon, maybe a bowl
    17. Leeann Chin
    18. cheese
    19. Champagne/Sparkling Wine
    20. chocolate chips, peanut butter, spoon, plate
    21. Arby’s
    22. White Russians (caucasians)
    23. Canned tuna with cornichons and Triscuits
    24. lettuce, bacon bits, pepper, Ranch (Western, French, or Catalina also delicious)
    25. Tequila
    26. Taco Bell
    27. Rum & Pepsi with a lime (lime optional)
    28. Pastrami
    29. Sushi
    30. Subway
    31. Triscuits without accoutrements
    32. Kwik Trip fried chicken
    33. Grappa (this is a meal only if you’ve previously had dining experiences with Grappa – don’t do it if you don’t know it)
    34. KFC
    35. Graul’s Famous Ham Salad and their Parkerhouse rolls (mustard optional)
    36. Bourbon
    37. Ben & Jerry’s
    38. Rotisserie Chicken
    39. Long John Silver’s 
    40. Twinkies and cheesecurds
    41. peanut butter and a spoon
    42. Canned tuna and rice crackers
    43. Campari & soda (a dozen+ should suffice)
    44. White Castle
    45. Pecan Pie
    46. Fried eggs (requires cooking but if you can focus for 3-4 minutes you’ll have them in the pan and cooking – just don’t forget about them).
    47. Long Island Iced Tea (3 is plenty)
    48. Carl’s Jr.
    49. Mezcal
    50. Brown Sugar Sandwiches
    51. Burger King
    52. Apples
    53. Bananas
    54. Moonshine
    55. Popeyes
    56. Dandelion Wine
    57. Tortilla chips and pico-de-gallo
    58. Tortilla chips and salsa
    59. WHATABURGER
    60. Single Malt
    61. Cheesecurds and salami
    62. Cheesecurds and beer
    63. Del Taco
    64. Uppers/speed/white crosses
    65. a nice tall glass of shut-the-fuck-up (only if in a pissy mood)
    66. Vodka tonics
    67. Royal Farms Chicken fingers and JoJos (not the Dancer)
    68. Church’s
    69. Key Lime Pie
    70. Beer Nuts
    71. Corn Nuts
    72. WaWa Italian Hoagie
    73. Jack-in-the-Box
    74. Cheesecurds and summer sausage
    75. Kowalski’s olive bar and wings bar
    76. Hardees
    77. Tap water (if fluoridated)
    78. Power Bar (not flavorful but filling)
    79. Diet Coke
    80. Blue Hawaiian
    81. Inn-n-Out
    82. Ketchup & mustard packets sprayed on Hawaiian Rolls
    83. Bloody Mary (3-4-7)
    84. Snickers (2-3)
    85. Hot dogs, if a microwave is handy – or you can eat them cold
    86. Cold cereal
    87. Cold beer
    88. Red Wine (no decanting)
    89. White Wine (only if pre-chilled)
    90. Five Guys
    91. Cheesecurds and wine
    92. Cheesecurds and 7&7
    93. Cheesecurds and donuts and Coke
    94. Lund’s & Byerly’s Hot soup bar
    95. Bagel & cream cheese
    96. Rice Cakes and cheesecurds and summer sausage
    97. Old Dutch Potato Chips
    98. Doritos
    99. olives and wine
    100. goat cheese and membrillo
    101. Old Milwaukee, Marlboro Reds, & a full bottle of extra strength Tums
  • It’s Genocide

    It’s Genocide

    If it wasn’t genocide, we wouldn’t hear about the IDF murdering civilians at food distribution sites. If it wasn’t genocide, one of the world’s most technologically advanced militaries wouldn’t level hospitals, schools, & entire apartment buildings under the guise of targeting Hamas fighters. If it wasn’t genocide, international aid workers, providing healthcare services, food distribution and preparation, water infrastructure repair, and other essential assistance wouldn’t be the targets of Israeli rockets and MTAR-21 rounds. If it wasn’t genocide, there wouldn’t be blockades aimed at preventing Palestinian civilians from getting food. If it wasn’t genocide, fuel depots wouldn’t be targets. If it wasn’t genocide, the number of journalists killed in Gaza would be far less than the approximately 200+ currently reported. If it wasn’t genocide, historians who’ve spent their career studying genocide wouldn’t call it genocide. If it wasn’t genocide… It’s genocide. The short and long-term traumatic effects of this slow-moving catastrophe will reverberate throughout the next century. Netanyahu and his cabinet are war criminals – and whether they will face justice is anyone’s guess. So we are left to ponder the old slogan, NEVER AGAIN; apparently, like thoughts and prayers, after every American mass shooting, it’s a nice sentiment, not an actual objective. It’s a genocide.

  • This Episode of Phantasy Phishing Phonemes – With Special Guest Vincent Van Voort – is Brought to You by The Letter V

    This Episode of Phantasy Phishing Phonemes – With Special Guest Vincent Van Voort – is Brought to You by The Letter V


    Vanity vet vein vane viscous various visa vegan voracious vis varicose veteran vigilante vestibular valiant voricarious ventoux valentine vacqueyras valor ventriloquist vanlife vehement vigor Vixen vaccination Vrabel vickers Vicks Volvo vagabond viscious Vegasbound veer vie Vermonter vim vigor Verronaisse Vienna Villa Villanova vogue Villaserra Ville vague vogue vici votel vent vast Vanderwaal vibe vinyl vapid verstuben vomit vagus ven Venn veep violin viola veni violet vaginal vulgar vanilla Voltron vedi venal Vans verifiable Viking Vizzy vin v.i.n. vine vino veritas very velum visual valium vector Victor venice Victrola vey visit vo visitor vacuum vroom vape volley victory Veronnaise valley VA vero voyage vole vichiyssoise Viognier variable Vermentino vied viščiukas vex Volodymyr village value vest vintage Vespa veal vaccine vieux Veramonte vista view vantage vanish verde viejo VonDutch VanHalen vat Veronique Vicki vigo vitriol vienna venom vermin Vesper vote vespers Vishali Vishal VanGogh vale Vietnam Vindaloo vile Vader vendetta Venus Vulture Visigoth vow verbatim Vanna Vanee VanDuzer vignette vision vasal vessel vortex Voss vase veil victim visage valencia vermilion vegetable vail vermouth visible valerie vicinity vibe ventricular vanyo virtue vasectomy vestibule varmint viscitude vandal veranda vancouver vinaigrette vice vladivostok vette viticulture vacant viniculture vineyard verbose vetrinarian verklempt vaxxer vox vex vernacular vascilate virgo virgin virgina vance vince verstrology vitology virology vampire velcro voice vanish varnish voldemort valdosta valkyrie venture

  • It’s coming along

    It’s coming along

    The site is coming together and I take partial credit, like in high school when you 1/2-assed a homework assignment and the teacher said:

    Well, it’s better than nothing, which isn’t saying much, but you gave it a shot, though not a very good shot, in fact if it was a basketball, the ball would have never left your hands… actually, nobody would have passed you the ball in the first place so you wouldn’t even be in the position to consider a shot, unless you were considering somebody else taking a shot, which is maybe what happened here – you got to thinking about your classmate’s doing their homework assignment and figured that because they were going to do a great job you didn’t need to create more work for me, given I already know all about the subject and because you have no immediate plans to work for NASA after graduation. And for that consideration, I thank you, and give you an 8/57. If you put your name on your paper, next time, I’ll add a couple tree points.

    Now for the update

    So anyway, six photo galleries are up, new ones will pop up occasionally, blog posts will continue regularly and unscheduled and never on time, and never being content, I’ll continuously update content in the off chance that anyone visits the site more than once. It’s coming along. I’m thinking about how I want to run the “store” piece of this site. Once that’s ironed out, photographs will be available for purchase via whichever service I’ve latched on to. And finally, the donations page will be up and running soon. Monetary donations and art supplies (new &/or good condition used) will be directed towards Public Schools, Community Centers, Senior Centers, and Services for individuals experiencing mental and/or physical health conditions. It’s coming along. I’m also trying to get my head around a gift option. Something where people can make a donation in exchange for a gift for a person, place, animal, etc. Nothing huge, no giant loon sculptures or 6’x12′ oil on canvas but a small piece of art – 1 of 1, maybe a bookmark, a painted notecard, a Thank You note, etc. etc. It’s coming along. If you have ideas, let me know.
    For my part, 8/57 is pretty ok, I do better on the art homework. Hope to see you soon.
    And a huge Thanks to Nate for all the work and expertise you’ve provided – Happy Trails

    MamaCat & GreyBear in the Robinson Street Alley
  • T-Shirt Ideas for Toddlers

    T-Shirt Ideas for Toddlers

    Hey! Everybody… Fuck You I Won’t do what you tell me  

    Fuck off & Die  

    you can take your peek-a-fucking-boo & your goochie fucking goo & go fuck yourself 

    if you don’t stop, I’ll kidney punch you until you piss blood 

    No! I’m not tired, I’m not sick, and I’m not hungry, I just hate you!  

    Will you please do me a favor and shut the fuck-up!

    Hey, fucker, that’s my fucking cupcake, get your grubby fucking paws off it! 

    pinch my cheeks, lose a fucking finger 

    Blow it out your ass, like I do: 

    Fuck pants & fuck you!

    I’ve been screaming for 13 fucking seconds, where the fuck are you? Don’t be mad, just get me a fucking snack, STAT! 

    I love you, you love me, If you don’t quiet down RIGHT NOW, I’m gonna piss on your head

    I don’t give a fuck who you are, back the fuck up 

    Drop it like it’s hot, no, not me, asshole

    Yes, I’m eating sugar from the bag, fuck off

  • Jesus Cuts My Hair: And Other Stories From Jesus’ Barbering Days in Palestine

    Jesus Cuts My Hair: And Other Stories From Jesus’ Barbering Days in Palestine

    Hair Like Jesus was the name of the original barbershop in Nazareth. It took a while for business to pick-up because most people didn’t find hair styling/cutting to be a worthwhile expenditure. Eventually, maybe a decade before Jesus’ untimely death, the Caesar cut began to make waves throughout the Roman Empire. And while Tiberius didn’t wear this hair style, many of his adjutants and numerous Roman celebrities did. This was the period when the first t-shirts were printed with the JSMH & JCMH labels (Jesus Styles My Hair & Jesus Cuts My Hair). There were also hair-cutting disciples who would set-up pop-up barber stations throughout Judea, Samaria, & Galilee; many of them would hang a sign that read “Cutting Hair For Jesus”. This proved to be the zenith for Jesus’ popularity in the Roman Empire.

    Jesus was not the only person to join the new profession. There were a number of high-profile individuals who took up the trade, to include the Holy Spirit. Most of these endeavors were short-(o)lived but there were two who pushed Jesus to constantly up his game. Peter, the disgruntled former trainer and assistant general manager for Pontius Pilate (at Pilate’s Pilates Provisions) cut a mean high and tight and was also very skilled at making curls work with, rather than against, the client’s facial attributes. Whereas the Holy Spirit used techniques that highlighted their spatial-awareness of skulls skill set while creating subtle differences between the stylings and hems of them and Jesus.

    There are hundreds of wonderful parables, fables, and historically semi-accurate/articulate stories that give us a closer look at what the hair cutting industry was like during Jesus 1st run on earth. I’ve compiled a short list of some of my favorites, below. Most of these are available online from www.wwjr.bib; or if traveling, you can find brick & mortar sites of What Would Jesus Read: A Genesis of RevelationZ – Book Store, Snack Bar, & Spirits – in New York City, Los Angeles, New Orleans, Chicago, & Baltimore.
    Aside from the cutting and styling copycats, a number of professions emerged from the hair biz. Landscape design outfits and nail salons would spring forth seemingly overnight in neighborhood strip malls from Byzantium (Istanbul) to Yathrib (Madinah). Other, more esoteric ventures, e.g. exercise emporiums and makeover takeover palaces, had their 15 minutes of fame before fading away – like Tim Scott post inauguration. I’ve included several of these enterprises after the story section. In all, this period of early business history was less important for what it accomplished than for what it revealed; human nature’s desire for a more pleasing aesthetic goes back millennia. Be it a cut & color, a freshly groomed guinea pig or a well manicured fig tree, we prefer that which is easy on the eyes.

    1/2 Truths, Tales, & Unchronicled Notes from the final decade of Christ in Palestine
    ————————————————–
    Hairy Stories from Jesus’ Barbershop:
    •The Truth Behind The Long-Haired Hippie Style of Rōmmies & Why Caesars wore the Caesar cut
    •The Hair Sweepers of Ancient Samaria
    •Hair Stylist School as Post-Water-Gathering option: Aveda before it was Aveda
    •That one time Jesus shaved, #2 – 2nd 2 None, into The Holy Spirit’s head
    •Jesus’ use of mechanical shears before electricity
    •Jesus Dyed my hair, but he didn’t die for my hair
    •Jesus cut Delilahs hair before she cut Sampson’s hair
    •Jesus fucked up the money changers because they didn’t tip him after getting their hair cut
    •Mary & Joseph got free haircuts when Jesus achieved the title of Master Hair Stylist – but they still payed for the color tints
    •Thomas doubted Jesus could give him a feathered look – & Jesus wept. But then, Thomas let Jesus cut his hair & he doubted nevermore, or at least until the YOLO controversy 

    •Before the Last Supper, Jesus offered all of his disciples a free haircut; they all took him up on the offer excepting Philip, he had recently gotten his hair styled by Mary Magdalene – she was secretly supporting Philip’s fashion designer dreams in exchange for his company 
    •Jesus first job cutting hair was in a salon called Capillus Secare 
    •Jesus once gave me a coupon for 10% off my next visit – good for the purchase of product or haircut; I used the coupon for the shearing of my sheep 🙂 Jesus wept.
    •Jesus barbershop was the most popular in     Palestine because it offered complementary wine & unleavened leavened flatbread
    •The Holy Spirit, Jesus’ right hand spirit, extended special discounted laundry services if you were getting a cut & color
    •God The Spirit is sort of like Vodka – both spiritual, both worshipped/revered, & both enjoyed with orange juice     on Sunday mornings

    •Jesus favorite thing to tell customers was “Healthy Hair is Happy Hair”  
    Gaius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, a.k.a.Caligula/Gaius, often heard this when, as a child, he accompanied his father on hair-cutting errands. As Gaius lost his hair, he came to despise the saying and, by extension, Jesus and all of his long-haired customers/followers. However, after the crucifixion, Caligula had a change of heart. His appreciation for the work done by Jesus and Christ’s love for all people (well, all people who weren’t uber-wealthy assholes) touched Gaius in a way he wasn’t accustomed to. He spent his years as Emperor advocating for a complete expungement of Jesus’ criminal record, while eradicating the MAGAesque Senators who were prone to outlandish conspiracy theories and regularly quoted Diogenes of Sinope. Caligula, like all Caesars, was a complex fellow.

    Things the Bible never told you:
    •Jesus uses the iPhone, in his 2nd act, to contact non-believers, it shows up as JSPAM, which many Midwesterners assume is Jalapeno SPAM and so they don’t answer
    •Jesus wasn’t a baker by trade, his unleavened flatbreads ended up airy & delightful (leavened with no leavening agent and seasoned perfectly every time), not what local foodies expected nor desired. Local chefs heckled him but Martha & Mary of Bethany would eat 8-10 of these earliest taboon breads each week. And Judas Iscariot set up a stall next to the barbershop & began selling the bread (and giving it away to the poor and oppressed, as instructed by Jesus). The stall never sold out; Jesus used his multiplication of loaves trick to keep bread stocked 24/7.
    •Jesus trimmed trees, & hair, & livestock by appointment. He didn’t allow animals larger than a standard ram or ewe in the shop but he had 6 stanchions out back and could accommodate additional animals at his home in Nazareth
    •Jesus, Mary, & Joseph Cabinetry & Contracting Services LLC (JMJCCS) was a short lived business venture due to customers’ complaints of Jesus’ constant preaching to them about the importance of not wearing garments that contained both wool and linen
    •Luke’s Landscape Designs (L.L.D.) was so successful that it still exists today – you know it better as Lowe’s
    •Mathew’s Mani-Pedi Mart (MMPM) doubled as a social club for Mani-Pedi Men (MPM). Mani-Pedi Men were known throughout the Roman Empire for their fabulous shows performing song and dance. Dressed in robes of silk adorned with red diamonds and rubies and and green onyx and emeralds (now you know where the Christmas color palette originated) their shows drew crowds similar to what one saw in the most popular coliseum events
    •Mark’s Makeover Palace (MMP) was the first licensed clinic, in the world, to provide gender affirming care. Mark’s oldest sibling, Joanna, was his first client and the reason he decided to open the clinic. In addition to hormone replacement therapy and puberty blockers, the clinic offered voice therapy, social service navigation, and mental health professionals available day and night
    •John’s House of Jellos, Jaffa Oranges, & Jams (JHJJOJ) turned every meal into a celebration. With the addition of citrus jellies, pâtés, teas, condiments, sauces, relishes and more, the days of bland falafel sandwiches and disappointing dolma were over. John passed away, unexpectedly, eaten by a destruction of caracal. Nevertheless, his ideas for fruit as primary subject, rather than side or accompaniment is carried on at Frog Hollow Farm.
    •Saul’s Balls: Party Planning Services for Galas, Soirées, Receptions, Reunions, Balls, and social gatherings of all types went the way of the Dodo long before the Dodo was killed off. Saul was caught hand-laundering money and was convicted for financially supporting the up and coming Zhou Dynasty (China) in exchange for the secret Zhou method of making 27 layer jello
    •King David’s Royal Dry-Sand-Cleaning, Sword Sharpening, Robe Repair, & Artisanal Hummus Bowls shops were the primary economic driver of Judah’s amazing quarter century of 7%+ annual growth rate. After King David’s death, King Solomon attempted to stay the course, economically, but due to the grass pollens and ragweed allergen plagues, Judah’s growth rate never topped 4.3%.
    •Sampson & Delilah’s Salon & Extreme Xercise Emporium (S&D’sSEXE) almost made it to America. They had a SEXE Club in London, when the Puritans made their first trip to the “new world”. The Puritans needed more money to secure a 2nd boat and S&D had the funds. They agreed to chip-in for the boat in exchange for a ride for the 3 owners, 5 employees and 14 pieces of club equipment. Less than 50 miles out of London, the S&D folk were thrown overboard. The equipment was spared and was stored in a pole shed just north of Salem. 100 years later a proper building was constructed and the club was once again active with a few minor changes – including the name – most call it The Y.
    •Archangel Allen’s Art Supplies & Aphrodisiacs     was very popular with the Groths, a group of younger people who wore earth tones, primarily brown and green. Unfortunately, Allen succumbed to the allure of great riches and repute. The last time anyone saw him he was riding away on a pale green horse.

  • What Does It Mean To Be Alive

    What Does It Mean To Be Alive

    Life, as a concept, is fairly universal in its meaning. If you asked 100 random people to define Life, I expect 90+ responses would be rooted in the idea that it is some combination of being alive/ existing, moving through the world as a sentient creature, and generally trying to move from one day/month/year to the next while finding better/easier ways to maintain. The remaining responses may well run the gamut from the most extreme philosophies on existentialism & nihilism to interpretations of the teachings of Confucius and Kant, stoics, joy chasers, absurdists et al. Regardless of one’s particular lens, the primary vision is the same, figure out what keeps you moving and go with it. But… within each philosophy, there is an underlying question – what happens when people no longer care whether or not they’re alive.

    To live, to be alive, to face each day with the belief that it will be good, relatively speaking, even in the face of difficulties and unknowns is the goal, more or less. But sometimes, people no longer care about the goal. They find that the journey stopped being a worthy utilization of their time and energy and they’ve long since given up on even considering the destination, if there ever was one. When this happens, people usually go one of two ways – either they actively seek a way to put an end to the life they know (quitting their job, ending a relationship, giving up on a dream, or in the most dire cases, ending their life) or they embrace the inner voice that’s been telling them to stop giving a fuck, about most everything.

    The former choice is often accompanied by enormous emotional releases, letting go of all that’s been building inside the self for years or decades even. And this tide of emotions can lead to all kinds of rash decisions resulting in further emotional turmoil. Yet,it can also be the thing that is needed in order to return one’s life back into a reasonable existence that isn’t beset by bitterness & riddled with regret. The latter, and I believe more common today, is based in the knowledge that at the end of the day the world will not end if you ignore, sidestep, or half-ass most everything you are confronted with. Sure, there may be consequences for one’s inaction in some cases but would they be any worse than if you had put forth the effort to address the issue and wound up with little to no appreciable benefit? Probably not, or at least that’s what it seems more people are projecting. And this is not to say that people who don’t have any fucks to give are cold-hearted or indifferent to the pain and suffering they witness, it just means that they no longer possess the capacity to give so much of their emotional self to processing those feels. This is where we are, societally; millions of humans wake-up every day, feigning concern for daily tasks as needed, to escape the questions that come when not playing the part, and go about their routine as though life is perfectly fine – or at least not god-fucking-awful.

    The reasons for this are varied but at the heart of it I believe we’ve arrived here due in large part to the disintegration of humanity as viewed through the lens of wealth disparity. The richest 1,000 Americans possess more wealth than 1/2 the populace. And if those uber-rich assholes had a modicum of decency in their d.n.a., we wouldn’t be in the current socio-political situation that has overwhelmed our collective conscious. This type of pandemic (haves and have nots) is not conducive to the longevity of a species or community or world. The only ways to fix the status quo is to elect public officials who will institute a far more progressive tax code… or to initiate warfare against the members of the ultra elite and their apologists. Anything short of this will give us the most recent version of Rome’s demise. And while I say this knowing full-well I’m not ready to give said fucks, so too, I’m fully present in this chaotic episode of 21st century shitfuckery and am ready to take the necessary actions, whatever those may be. When the people have reached their limit and rise together to oppose those who would have us as their perpetual minions, our collective existence will turn a corner and begin the healing process. Until such time (which might be closer than we think), we must do what we can, as life permits, and not exhaust ourselves in the process.

  • Sailing when you don’t know how to sail

    Sailing when you don’t know how to sail

    Attempting to sail a boat, if you don’t know how to sail, is not advisable. That said, if you find yourself on a sail boat and everyone who knows how to sail has disappeared off the boat, find something that floats and prepare to jump in the water.

    This is another way of saying, you won’t be prepared for everything that life throws at you. Sometimes you’ll have the experience, skills, wisdom to adapt & move forward no worse for the wear. At other times, you’ll need to admit you’re wholly unprepared for the change. When that happens, grab a life-vest or something that “floats” and jump in. Somebody will come along and fish you out.