Water Bill getting to be too much? Here’s how you can cut that thing by 75% or more. This isn’t a secret, unless you like secrets; the thing is, most folks assume that they need all kinds of water for all kinds of activities – that ain’t true. If you’re swimming, you probably need water. Flushing a toilet? Water will definitely make it easier. Trying to put out the fire your kid started in the front yard – water is the ticket. Aside from that, you can do without a lot of your water usage. I’ve outlined a number of ways to reduce the speed at which your water meter spins and get the gallon guzzling under control.
1: Stop doing dishes. You’re gonna eat off them again, yes? It’s just food on there, no need to waste water cleaning it when you’ll just get it dirty again. If it’s moldy, windex that shit, wipe with a paper towel and voila! What’s that, you’re not gonna use it again? Throw it away, fuck it.
2: How often are you showering? Anything more than once a month is too much. Oh, you work a job that makes you sweat a lot, that’s ok, use more deodorant, wherever you sweat. Put it on thick, that’ll stop the sweat from escaping those little pores. And if you’re living anywhere that the temperatures drop below 60 degrees for extended periods, you can just seal the shower off, you don’t need to clean up, you’re not that dirty. Maybe go jump in the creek once in a while, cut a hole in the ice if needed, but showering in cold weather is dumb.
3: Hand-washing? Stop! Why? Hand sanitizer, forks, spoons, knives, hammers, wrenches, screwdrivers, rivet-guns, sticks, there’s so many options that don’t require water. I know, I know, hand-washing kills germs – so does Everclear, and it tastes better than soap, trust me on that one. Wash a little, drink a little, I can’t believe this didn’t catch on in the 19th century.
4: Do you have a beautiful green “natural” lawn? Do you live in Phoenix, or Las Vegas, or Los Angeles? Or anywhere else that doesn’t provide for the organic upkeep of a lush emerald patch of earth? Stop watering! Grass grows just fine where it’s supposed to. If it’s not growing fine where you are, don’t try to be a hero and make your lawn beautiful just so the neighbors will feel bad about their patchy brown lot. Rocks are pretty and don’t require watering. Same for dirt, sand, driftwood, “weeds“, and any other shit that doesn’t require you to use water for their upkeep. If you feel the need to beautify the spaces around your home, hire an artist to paint stuff. Artists are really creative and they’ll come up with something that will provide a pleasing aesthetic for anyone passing by. If you’re living in an area classified as arid, semi-arid, or really cold, the idea of green lawns is just stupid. Stop it!
5: Here’s the big one… you don’t need to drink eight glasses of water a day; you don’t even need to drink one glass, you just need to eat more fruit and vegetables and drink more wine and beer. Fruit and veggies are between 80-95% water, approximately. Don’t waste water by filling a glass to drink, eat healthy food and you’ll get all the water you need. Or, if you’re like me, not ready to give up Sourdough, Patty Melts, Kettle Chips, & Chicken Fried Chicken… and not able to handle the volume of fruit/veg in addition to more delicious foods, up your intake of beer and wine. Similar to fruits and veggies, beer and wine are 80-95% water. You don’t need to drink water; tap, bottled, rehydrated, recycled, hydrogenated, dehydrated, semi-arid or any other variety – wine and beer are here for your hydration nation party.
If you need more of an incentive to change your habits, consider this. Farmers rely on water to grow our food (both from the skies and from local aquifers and rivers). Without water that food won’t grow. Without that food, we won’t survive. Without survival of our species, other species will thrive… forget everything I wrote, let the ecosystems have their way, let other species thrive, let earth heal. Our time here is limited, a couple hundred years from now the wolves will ask the caribou, “where’d the weirdos go?” And the caribou will reply, “they faded away – returned to the cosmos to create new stardust”. That seems like an appropriate place to end.
