Diamond Lake Creative

Tag: fiction

  • Things That May Have Happened in Ladysmith, Wisconsin, & If So,How They’d Be Reported in The Police Blotter

    Things That May Have Happened in Ladysmith, Wisconsin, & If So,How They’d Be Reported in The Police Blotter

    Caller stated strange noises coming from neighbors house; Officer dispatched to scene; Neighbors having a party, did not inform nor invite caller

    Cracked CD found on County Rd. M.; Tiffany – Greatest Hits; The owner has not come forward

    IGA parking lot scene of crime spree; 3 youth apprehended in Corbett Lake after dabbing fox urine on passenger seats of 9 vehicles; Charges pending; – 9 vehicles for sale at discounted price

    Local boy drives into river; Mother sees it happen, calls father, then the Sheriff; Father yells at boy while Sheriff fishes him out of the car

    Alley rat not actual rat; Stanley C. reported a rat in the alley behind his home; Stanley’s wife,Elsie, later called and confirmed the animal was a smallish dog with diamond crusted collar; Diamonds were apparently not real

    Tings Bar called to report drunk man playing pool in his underwear; Man refused to put on pants, claimed he was hot; Several patrons got hold of the man and placed him in the bar’s ice-bin and then plugged the jukebox full of quarters and played Foreigner’s Cold As Ice repeatedly until bar close

    Report of goose feces around Corbett Lake confirmed by Deputy – According to citizens in the area this is probably normal goose activity 

    Glen Flora Man shoots tree in self-defense; told Sheriff that the tree dropped limbs on him on purpose & 1 limb nearly broke his leg;
    The tree was examined and cleared for continued growth

    Sheriff’s deputies dispatched to OJ Falge Park after report of several kids dancing on a picnic table; Kids stated they were practicing for the talent show; Deputy unaware of any upcoming talent shows told kids to practice on the ground.

    High School lunch staff reported theft of 10 gallons of ranch dressing; They were set to launch a new lunch menu focused on serving healthier options with more crunch appeal! Carrots with ranch & multigrain tortilla chips served with low-fat turkey con queso (melted cheese combined with milk & butter) should be very popular, said Principal Lee. The department has no leads and is asking for the public’s help in tracking down the ranch. No reward offered, yet.

    Deputy questioned after citizen filed complaint stating responding deputy was humming the Shania Twain song, Any Man of Mine, while investigating the scene of an overturned Wal-Mart truck and trailer. The semi was on it’s way to the Ladysmith Wal-Mart, East-bound (and down) on Hwy. 8 – and in addition to many other goods, Shania Twain’s greatest hits CD’s were strewn about the roadway. The Deputy said he just likes that song.

    Glen Flora bingo game stopped by 6 raccoons looking for a snack. Betty and Erma said they recognized the critters as ones that come by their houses most nights but due to the bingo game going long, the raccoons made their way over to the church and let themselves in. They were given egg salad on rye and pancakes with syrup and were on their way.

    Report of raccoon grazing on raspberries alongside County Rd P.  

    Intoxicated individual drove truck into cornfield so as not to receive DWI for driving while on the roadway. Farmer reports truck belongs to him and the driver was his son-in-law. Farmer stated son-in-law from Iowa and believes that to be a common practice down there

    Ex wife damages spruce trees while backing loaded trailer out of drive. Ex husband reports that he offered to back the trailer but she refused because she didn’t need his help anymore. 

    Report of a wild alligator found swimming in Parker’s Pond. Law enforcement showed up with nets and traps but did not find any alligator. Large wet sheep dog seen running across the field as officers drove away

    Road hazard reported in Jump River by man wearing Waylon Jennings for President hat. When responding officer arrived he found the man singing Pancho and Lefty while sitting on his hood and staring at a large pothole. Officer advised the singer to drive around the pothole.

    911 call received Tuesday night, Michael Jackson’s Billie Jean playing very loud and no one responding to Dispatcher’s questions; after song finished caller told Dispatch they wanted to share that song with the world because it made them feel so good: Dispatch thanked the caller for their thoughtful gesture and assured them it would be mentioned in the police blotter

    Anonymous caller reported 46 vehicles drove by his house; dispatch asked if the cars were doing anything wrong, caller responded that they appeared to be driving the speed limit and that seemed kinda fishy

  • Jesus Cuts My Hair: And Other Stories From Jesus’ Barbering Days in Palestine

    Jesus Cuts My Hair: And Other Stories From Jesus’ Barbering Days in Palestine

    Hair Like Jesus was the name of the original barbershop in Nazareth. It took a while for business to pick-up because most people didn’t find hair styling/cutting to be a worthwhile expenditure. Eventually, maybe a decade before Jesus’ untimely death, the Caesar cut began to make waves throughout the Roman Empire. And while Tiberius didn’t wear this hair style, many of his adjutants and numerous Roman celebrities did. This was the period when the first t-shirts were printed with the JSMH & JCMH labels (Jesus Styles My Hair & Jesus Cuts My Hair). There were also hair-cutting disciples who would set-up pop-up barber stations throughout Judea, Samaria, & Galilee; many of them would hang a sign that read “Cutting Hair For Jesus”. This proved to be the zenith for Jesus’ popularity in the Roman Empire.

    Jesus was not the only person to join the new profession. There were a number of high-profile individuals who took up the trade, to include the Holy Spirit. Most of these endeavors were short-(o)lived but there were two who pushed Jesus to constantly up his game. Peter, the disgruntled former trainer and assistant general manager for Pontius Pilate (at Pilate’s Pilates Provisions) cut a mean high and tight and was also very skilled at making curls work with, rather than against, the client’s facial attributes. Whereas the Holy Spirit used techniques that highlighted their spatial-awareness of skulls skill set while creating subtle differences between the stylings and hems of them and Jesus.

    There are hundreds of wonderful parables, fables, and historically semi-accurate/articulate stories that give us a closer look at what the hair cutting industry was like during Jesus 1st run on earth. I’ve compiled a short list of some of my favorites, below. Most of these are available online from www.wwjr.bib; or if traveling, you can find brick & mortar sites of What Would Jesus Read: A Genesis of RevelationZ – Book Store, Snack Bar, & Spirits – in New York City, Los Angeles, New Orleans, Chicago, & Baltimore.
    Aside from the cutting and styling copycats, a number of professions emerged from the hair biz. Landscape design outfits and nail salons would spring forth seemingly overnight in neighborhood strip malls from Byzantium (Istanbul) to Yathrib (Madinah). Other, more esoteric ventures, e.g. exercise emporiums and makeover takeover palaces, had their 15 minutes of fame before fading away – like Tim Scott post inauguration. I’ve included several of these enterprises after the story section. In all, this period of early business history was less important for what it accomplished than for what it revealed; human nature’s desire for a more pleasing aesthetic goes back millennia. Be it a cut & color, a freshly groomed guinea pig or a well manicured fig tree, we prefer that which is easy on the eyes.

    1/2 Truths, Tales, & Unchronicled Notes from the final decade of Christ in Palestine
    ————————————————–
    Hairy Stories from Jesus’ Barbershop:
    •The Truth Behind The Long-Haired Hippie Style of Rōmmies & Why Caesars wore the Caesar cut
    •The Hair Sweepers of Ancient Samaria
    •Hair Stylist School as Post-Water-Gathering option: Aveda before it was Aveda
    •That one time Jesus shaved, #2 – 2nd 2 None, into The Holy Spirit’s head
    •Jesus’ use of mechanical shears before electricity
    •Jesus Dyed my hair, but he didn’t die for my hair
    •Jesus cut Delilahs hair before she cut Sampson’s hair
    •Jesus fucked up the money changers because they didn’t tip him after getting their hair cut
    •Mary & Joseph got free haircuts when Jesus achieved the title of Master Hair Stylist – but they still payed for the color tints
    •Thomas doubted Jesus could give him a feathered look – & Jesus wept. But then, Thomas let Jesus cut his hair & he doubted nevermore, or at least until the YOLO controversy 

    •Before the Last Supper, Jesus offered all of his disciples a free haircut; they all took him up on the offer excepting Philip, he had recently gotten his hair styled by Mary Magdalene – she was secretly supporting Philip’s fashion designer dreams in exchange for his company 
    •Jesus first job cutting hair was in a salon called Capillus Secare 
    •Jesus once gave me a coupon for 10% off my next visit – good for the purchase of product or haircut; I used the coupon for the shearing of my sheep 🙂 Jesus wept.
    •Jesus barbershop was the most popular in     Palestine because it offered complementary wine & unleavened leavened flatbread
    •The Holy Spirit, Jesus’ right hand spirit, extended special discounted laundry services if you were getting a cut & color
    •God The Spirit is sort of like Vodka – both spiritual, both worshipped/revered, & both enjoyed with orange juice     on Sunday mornings

    •Jesus favorite thing to tell customers was “Healthy Hair is Happy Hair”  
    Gaius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, a.k.a.Caligula/Gaius, often heard this when, as a child, he accompanied his father on hair-cutting errands. As Gaius lost his hair, he came to despise the saying and, by extension, Jesus and all of his long-haired customers/followers. However, after the crucifixion, Caligula had a change of heart. His appreciation for the work done by Jesus and Christ’s love for all people (well, all people who weren’t uber-wealthy assholes) touched Gaius in a way he wasn’t accustomed to. He spent his years as Emperor advocating for a complete expungement of Jesus’ criminal record, while eradicating the MAGAesque Senators who were prone to outlandish conspiracy theories and regularly quoted Diogenes of Sinope. Caligula, like all Caesars, was a complex fellow.

    Things the Bible never told you:
    •Jesus uses the iPhone, in his 2nd act, to contact non-believers, it shows up as JSPAM, which many Midwesterners assume is Jalapeno SPAM and so they don’t answer
    •Jesus wasn’t a baker by trade, his unleavened flatbreads ended up airy & delightful (leavened with no leavening agent and seasoned perfectly every time), not what local foodies expected nor desired. Local chefs heckled him but Martha & Mary of Bethany would eat 8-10 of these earliest taboon breads each week. And Judas Iscariot set up a stall next to the barbershop & began selling the bread (and giving it away to the poor and oppressed, as instructed by Jesus). The stall never sold out; Jesus used his multiplication of loaves trick to keep bread stocked 24/7.
    •Jesus trimmed trees, & hair, & livestock by appointment. He didn’t allow animals larger than a standard ram or ewe in the shop but he had 6 stanchions out back and could accommodate additional animals at his home in Nazareth
    •Jesus, Mary, & Joseph Cabinetry & Contracting Services LLC (JMJCCS) was a short lived business venture due to customers’ complaints of Jesus’ constant preaching to them about the importance of not wearing garments that contained both wool and linen
    •Luke’s Landscape Designs (L.L.D.) was so successful that it still exists today – you know it better as Lowe’s
    •Mathew’s Mani-Pedi Mart (MMPM) doubled as a social club for Mani-Pedi Men (MPM). Mani-Pedi Men were known throughout the Roman Empire for their fabulous shows performing song and dance. Dressed in robes of silk adorned with red diamonds and rubies and and green onyx and emeralds (now you know where the Christmas color palette originated) their shows drew crowds similar to what one saw in the most popular coliseum events
    •Mark’s Makeover Palace (MMP) was the first licensed clinic, in the world, to provide gender affirming care. Mark’s oldest sibling, Joanna, was his first client and the reason he decided to open the clinic. In addition to hormone replacement therapy and puberty blockers, the clinic offered voice therapy, social service navigation, and mental health professionals available day and night
    •John’s House of Jellos, Jaffa Oranges, & Jams (JHJJOJ) turned every meal into a celebration. With the addition of citrus jellies, pâtés, teas, condiments, sauces, relishes and more, the days of bland falafel sandwiches and disappointing dolma were over. John passed away, unexpectedly, eaten by a destruction of caracal. Nevertheless, his ideas for fruit as primary subject, rather than side or accompaniment is carried on at Frog Hollow Farm.
    •Saul’s Balls: Party Planning Services for Galas, Soirées, Receptions, Reunions, Balls, and social gatherings of all types went the way of the Dodo long before the Dodo was killed off. Saul was caught hand-laundering money and was convicted for financially supporting the up and coming Zhou Dynasty (China) in exchange for the secret Zhou method of making 27 layer jello
    •King David’s Royal Dry-Sand-Cleaning, Sword Sharpening, Robe Repair, & Artisanal Hummus Bowls shops were the primary economic driver of Judah’s amazing quarter century of 7%+ annual growth rate. After King David’s death, King Solomon attempted to stay the course, economically, but due to the grass pollens and ragweed allergen plagues, Judah’s growth rate never topped 4.3%.
    •Sampson & Delilah’s Salon & Extreme Xercise Emporium (S&D’sSEXE) almost made it to America. They had a SEXE Club in London, when the Puritans made their first trip to the “new world”. The Puritans needed more money to secure a 2nd boat and S&D had the funds. They agreed to chip-in for the boat in exchange for a ride for the 3 owners, 5 employees and 14 pieces of club equipment. Less than 50 miles out of London, the S&D folk were thrown overboard. The equipment was spared and was stored in a pole shed just north of Salem. 100 years later a proper building was constructed and the club was once again active with a few minor changes – including the name – most call it The Y.
    •Archangel Allen’s Art Supplies & Aphrodisiacs     was very popular with the Groths, a group of younger people who wore earth tones, primarily brown and green. Unfortunately, Allen succumbed to the allure of great riches and repute. The last time anyone saw him he was riding away on a pale green horse.

  • Arctic Ocean’s Torpical Region & The Rat Islands

    Arctic Ocean’s Torpical Region & The Rat Islands


    The Rat Islands – pictured at 11,000 ft – are not known for their posh lodging nor their 4 star bistros, they don’t have high speed rail or a 5G network, & as of 1 January 2025, they still have no indoor plumbing. This is bc they don’t have any permanent human residents. The only people to step foot on the islands, since the late 1970s, are a small group of dedicated farmhands that make an annual pilgrimage from 3 counties in Northern Wisconsin, 5 counties in Northern Minnesota & 1 county in Upper North Dakota’s Eastern High Prairie. In any given year, the group ranges from 35 – 140. They don’t come for the invigorating salt bath in waters that regularly dip into the single digits Fahrenheit; and they don’t come for the Frozen Yoga retreat w/ Elephant seals (not recommended). No, these agrarian guests come for 1 reason, harvest. And what, you may ask, would they be harvesting on islands in the middle of the Bering Sea? Torpical fruit. No, not a typo. Not tropical, that’s in the tropics. Torpical, in the torpics – a microclimate that benefits from both the heat of large magma pools bubbling less than 100 meters below the rocky earth & the warm South Pacific trade-winds that maintain an ambient temperature of 82.6° F & a relative humidity of +/- 87%. The specific path of these winds, which originate just northeast of Tonga & break away from the South Pacific Gyre 15 km East of Bora Bora, provides the basis for the stable conditions. The winds hop back & forth between current & countercurrent airstreams, which explains the reserve of potential energy (it can be greater than 275 trillion joules in an average stream) the wind’s accumulate over the course of the journey – anywhere from 3-6 weeks (depending on the saturation levels of algae blooms between Palau & Kamaishi, Japan), and provide both the moisture & warmth required for the cultivation of torpical fruit. The Pickers of Torpical American Fruits Society (POTAFS – not to be confused w/ BOTRFO – the Russian counterpart) spend most of the 72 hour picking window on the Southeast Coast of Amchitka Island where the Pongo & Papple fruits are the most abundant. Once every 20 years, an unexplained phenomenon occurs. The tilt of the earth increases from 23.5° to 23.508°, for exactly 12 hours. This additional tilt affects the islands by producing just enough added heat to cause the seven Jacknut trees to flower over the next 24-36 hours. The flowers that are able to fully mature in this extremely short gestation window will bear fruit in 2-3 years time, depending on the severity of the dark season (cloudless nights can dip into the 40’s for several hours). When mature, these Jacknut fruits weigh more than 250 lbs, on average, and measure between 4 – 6 feet long and 2 -4 feet in diameter. The meat of these fruits is extremely nutritious and contains more than 30 vitamins and minerals in varying quantities as well as an abundance of amino acids and antioxidants. In years when these trees bore fruit, the seal, walrus, and rat populations boomed. There are reports from the 1870s and 1930s providing documentation of rats doubling in size from the previous year’s data and pinnipeds developing larger fins and more streamlined torsos – providing for much greater success when hunting for food. The pickers, always an astute bunch (as farm hands usually are), noticed the correlation between the Jacknut fruit ripening and the explosion of native mammal population numbers and attributes and decided to bring some Jacknuts back to their home states. That first Jacknut haul, in 1895, was a boon to the locals who got their hands on it. Lumberjacks in Minnesota and Wisconsin started felling trees at a rate three and a half times faster than before eating the fruit. And in North Dakota, recent transplants from back East, particularly the Germans and Norwegians, found they were able to clear an acre of woods and get the land ready for crops in just weeks whereas prior to this revolutionary discovery they would have spent six months in the process. Starting in the mid 1950s, pickers noticed a slight change in both the mammal populations and the volume of the average Jacknut fruit. Not knowing the cause of the abnormality they assumed it was weather related. The following harvest, the mid ’70s, saw a further decline in the species expected numbers as well as fruit volume and quality. By the mid ’90’s harvest, 5 of the 7 Jacknut fruit trees were dead and the remaining 2 had not produced any fruit. This was documented by the pickers, all 113 of them. They provided written documentation and many took pictures. Upon completion of harvest they collected several branches from each of the five dead trees and took a small sample of bark from the other two. Once back home, they sent the specimens to a pomology & food-science lab in Cincinnati Ohio. The researchers found 2 types of organic polymers that were increasingly common in certain synthetic materials (plastics). That didn’t come as a surprise but what did was the discovery of significant amounts of gamma radiation in the wood. Measurements between 1.77 – 2.13 gray were recorded in the dead limbs and the bark was found to have levels between .025 – .096. This discovery led to further testing of additional organic materials from the main island, Amchitka, and the 5 closest islands. They also tested several older Harbor Seals and 12 senior Walruses. In each specimen, a minimum of .013 gray units was found; and the oldest of all the mammals, a Walrus named Kurt, recorded .027. These animals had been living radioactive lives and didn’t seem to be out of the norm (aside from a 3rd eye here and there or an extra flipper extending from the back loin). Without going into the whole long story, additional research posits a theory that nuclear testing in the South Pacific, starting in 1946, was responsible for the 1950s subpar Jacknut crop. They believe gamma rays floated on the trade winds, spilling out here and there with an unusually high concentration being left in the area of the Rat Islands. Then, in the 1970s, the underground nuclear testing on Amchitka would have likely caused the death of the 5 Jacknut trees. How the other 2 survived nobody knows, except maybe the rats.

    Several local legends benefitted from the Jacknut fruit phenomenon. And whether their careers would have turned out vastly different without this superfood no one can say for sure; but when considering the odds of stardom in any given field, it’s a safe bet that these individuals were beneficiaries of the secret power of Jacknuts. From Minnesota, Judy Garland (Grand Rapids) and Roger Maris and Bob Dylan (Hibbing) had extended family that worked on the Rat Islands. And from Wisconsin, Bud Grant’s Aunt Marge picked fruit up there for 37 years, a real trooper. North Dakota’s most famous Jacknut-touched person was Sven Olefson, who’s dad, Ole Svenfson, made the trip 3 times. Sven won the 1923 Pembina Red River Frozen Kayak race – the first, last, and only time that race was run. And while Sven went on to do great things with his life, his gravestone reads: “Here lies Sven Olefson,1903-1993, Champion of the 1923 Pembina Red River Frozen Kayak race, Loving Father & Husband, and pretty good at horseshoes” – with a post-script added about 10 years later “ski-jumped at 1924 olympics after losing bet with Thor – unofficial distance 293 meters”. You can bet the Jacknut fruit is to thank for that feat.

  • Volantes Pisces Montis

    Volantes Pisces Montis


    We were about 100’ above the jagged & craggy mountain tops, just South of Patagonia’s southernmost region,Tierra del Fuego- in the Los Dientes de Navarino mountains,- when we spotted what is believed to be the last Volantes Pisces Montis (aka Flying Mountain Fish or Francisco’s Ballena Bebe – named after Argentinian explorer Francisco Moreno). The fish, likely a close relative of todays flying fish, when full grown is the size of an adult African elephant & could stay aloft for 15 minutes before needing to return to the ocean for oxygen & the salt that kept its fin skin from drying out while in flight. If you look just north of the photo’s center, you’ll see a shadow – I’m 99% certain that’s our Flying Mountain Fish. What an awesome creature!