Diamond Lake Creative

Tag: drinking

  • They Ask Me Why I Drink & Then They Tell Me What They Think

    They Ask Me Why I Drink & Then They Tell Me What They Think

    Kenneth • Have you no shame, man? 

    Kal • Nope, none, no need for it. 

    Ken • You’re pissing in my yard, on my gladioli, at 3 o’clock in the morning.

    Kal • Yep. 

    Ken • What do you mean, ‘Yep’. 

    Kal • I mean yep, I’m pissin  in your yard – would you rather I pissed on your porch? 

    Ken • Are you drunk? 

    Kal • Yep. 

    Ken • Oh my god, what is wrong with you? 

    Kal • Well, whether it’s technically wrong I can’t say but I drink too much beer a lot of times, which makes a guy have to piss a lot: I’m manic depressive with a healthy side of anxiety- I got real bad ADHD, so bad my ADHD has ADHD; my septum got deviated when I was a younger fella so I’ve had snoring issues exacerbated by seasonal allergies & beer – the hoppy beers really do a number on my sinuses; I’ve had acid reflux since I could crawl, also exacerbated by alcohol & cigarettes & caffeine & sugar but I’ll get a case of it from drinking water; my stress levels are considered unhealthy, like standing down wind from a forest fire just breathing it in; I get Costochondritis pretty regular & randomly experience episodes of back spasms that register 70 on a scale of 1-10 – my whole body locks up, like early onset rigor mortis- lungs can’t even let air in or out, feels a lot like being stabbed 1,000 x a second & it’ll last 5, 10, 20 seconds, normally, might happen 4,5,6 times in a couple minute period, then go into hiding for 5-6 hours before popping out again; this can go on for a day or 2 & as long as a week, & the only medication that’s ever really helped is considered too dangerous cuz it can cause addiction issues but hell, I’ll take addiction over that shit any day; 

    Ken • Jesus, how are you even alive… you are alive, aren’t you?

    Kal • far as I know I am but I haven’t asked anyone recently, you might be onto something. Anyway, I haven’t had a good nights’ sleep since before the Donald’s decision to reignite the Confederacy’s drive to “do it again”. 

    Ken • Sorry, the Donald? the Confederacy? 

    Kal • Yeah, not the Duck, and not the Dunces – well, I guess the Dunces are implicated in recent events, and I’ve got the flattest feet in Maryland, according to my old podiatrist, he used to play with Jesus when they were kids, so I moved to Minnesota & stopped visiting podiatrists, still got flat feet but I don’t talk about it now; I’ve got a mitral valve prolapse condition which keeps my resting heart rate fairly elevated & my elevated heart rate at Mach 1; I spend too much time worrying about what other people think, though far less than I did 10 years ago, my bucket-o-fucks-to-give is empty, ran out last October; I empathize a great deal, like way more than what’s considered healthy by professional empaths – which makes people wonder how such a thing is possible for someone who’s all out of fucks-to-give, it seems contradictory at best and generally an impossibility if existing on the same plane, but it’s not impossible, not even difficult anymore, they’ve learned how to coexist within the anterior cingulate cortex – I credit cats with teaching me how to navigate that series of complex conditional responses, I lost my sense of direction once and ended up in Florida, won’t make that mistake again 

    Ken • What’s wrong with Florida? 

    Kal • Wish I knew cuz I’d try and help’em fix it, might just be karma for how they treat the manatees 

    Ken • Manatees? What’ve they got to do with it? 

    Kal • Boaters keep hitting ‘em, and climate change, pollution, stress, it’s making it harder for them to survive, Florida’s the culprit, not “Florida Man”, mind you, Florida, the whole State 

    Ken • Oh, I see, well, maybe the manatees could be placed in a safe location where there are no boats 

    Kal • Yeah, sure, maybe, and monkeys might fly out of my butt 

    Ken •  Oh, yes, I suppose it would be difficult to herd manatees 

    Kal • yeah, manatee herding is no longer taught in the public schools, one more reason to privatize education

    Ken • Wait, what about the cat herders, couldn’t they do it? 

    Kal •  If they weren’t all retired, I suppose they could, but the youngest one just turned 75, they’re all living in Japan, running cat cafés, interesting dudes

    Ken • I’ll say, I didn’t realize cat’s went out to eat

    Kal • Oh sure, they love it, crab cocktail with fresh nip, claw-n-eat shrimp, Salmon sake pâté shooters, raw tuna terrine in lobster butter broth, it’s basically fine dining for cats

    Ken • My, that sounds delicious, now I’m hungry, would you care to join me for an early breakfast? Eggs Royale and champagne sounds good – how about it? 

    Kal • I could eat – just let me finish pissin’

  • 30 Minutes Meals: Not as Hard as it Used to Be

    30 Minutes Meals: Not as Hard as it Used to Be

    101 thirty minute meals for ADHD Adults who enjoy cooking… but are frustrated by the amount of time it takes to make a “30 minute meal” – which can range from 90 minutes to four+ hours.
    The following list requires little to no cooking and can be found nationwide in local grocers or fast-food joints – with obvious exceptions e.g. Skyline Chile, WHATABURGER, Taco John’s etc.

    1. Skyline Chili
    2. Sazerac
    3. Jerry’s German Potato Salad with black pepper and hot sauce
    4. Manhattan
    5. McDonald’s
    6. Blackberry Brandy (Jeżynówka)
    7. Pint/Quart of Ice Cream
    8. Ritz Crackers
    9. Wendy’s
    10. 2 slices of pizza from a local slicery
    11. Gins & Tonics
    12. Pigshit & sauerkraut (if pigs nearby and sauerkraut in fridge)
    13. Taco John’s 
    14. Hawaiian rolls with ranch dressing
    15. Whiskey Coke
    16. peanut butter, jelly, spoon, maybe a bowl
    17. Leeann Chin
    18. cheese
    19. Champagne/Sparkling Wine
    20. chocolate chips, peanut butter, spoon, plate
    21. Arby’s
    22. White Russians (caucasians)
    23. Canned tuna with cornichons and Triscuits
    24. lettuce, bacon bits, pepper, Ranch (Western, French, or Catalina also delicious)
    25. Tequila
    26. Taco Bell
    27. Rum & Pepsi with a lime (lime optional)
    28. Pastrami
    29. Sushi
    30. Subway
    31. Triscuits without accoutrements
    32. Kwik Trip fried chicken
    33. Grappa (this is a meal only if you’ve previously had dining experiences with Grappa – don’t do it if you don’t know it)
    34. KFC
    35. Graul’s Famous Ham Salad and their Parkerhouse rolls (mustard optional)
    36. Bourbon
    37. Ben & Jerry’s
    38. Rotisserie Chicken
    39. Long John Silver’s 
    40. Twinkies and cheesecurds
    41. peanut butter and a spoon
    42. Canned tuna and rice crackers
    43. Campari & soda (a dozen+ should suffice)
    44. White Castle
    45. Pecan Pie
    46. Fried eggs (requires cooking but if you can focus for 3-4 minutes you’ll have them in the pan and cooking – just don’t forget about them).
    47. Long Island Iced Tea (3 is plenty)
    48. Carl’s Jr.
    49. Mezcal
    50. Brown Sugar Sandwiches
    51. Burger King
    52. Apples
    53. Bananas
    54. Moonshine
    55. Popeyes
    56. Dandelion Wine
    57. Tortilla chips and pico-de-gallo
    58. Tortilla chips and salsa
    59. WHATABURGER
    60. Single Malt
    61. Cheesecurds and salami
    62. Cheesecurds and beer
    63. Del Taco
    64. Uppers/speed/white crosses
    65. a nice tall glass of shut-the-fuck-up (only if in a pissy mood)
    66. Vodka tonics
    67. Royal Farms Chicken fingers and JoJos (not the Dancer)
    68. Church’s
    69. Key Lime Pie
    70. Beer Nuts
    71. Corn Nuts
    72. WaWa Italian Hoagie
    73. Jack-in-the-Box
    74. Cheesecurds and summer sausage
    75. Kowalski’s olive bar and wings bar
    76. Hardees
    77. Tap water (if fluoridated)
    78. Power Bar (not flavorful but filling)
    79. Diet Coke
    80. Blue Hawaiian
    81. Inn-n-Out
    82. Ketchup & mustard packets sprayed on Hawaiian Rolls
    83. Bloody Mary (3-4-7)
    84. Snickers (2-3)
    85. Hot dogs, if a microwave is handy – or you can eat them cold
    86. Cold cereal
    87. Cold beer
    88. Red Wine (no decanting)
    89. White Wine (only if pre-chilled)
    90. Five Guys
    91. Cheesecurds and wine
    92. Cheesecurds and 7&7
    93. Cheesecurds and donuts and Coke
    94. Lund’s & Byerly’s Hot soup bar
    95. Bagel & cream cheese
    96. Rice Cakes and cheesecurds and summer sausage
    97. Old Dutch Potato Chips
    98. Doritos
    99. olives and wine
    100. goat cheese and membrillo
    101. Old Milwaukee, Marlboro Reds, & a full bottle of extra strength Tums
  • This is Why I Drink, with Myself

    This is Why I Drink, with Myself

    Red: Do you drink alone 

    Waverly: Of course not, good God, what do you take me for, some sort of miscreant? I drink with MySelf 

    R* YourSelf? 

    W* No, MySelf; I find most others tend to inquire about things which I’ve no interest in discussing 

    R* So you talk with yourself? 

    W* No, I’m not crazy, I talk with MySelf 

    R* I don’t follow, how do you mean, MySelf but not – YourSelf? 

    W* MySelf, Me, I, you know; Yourself, You, her/she; See? 

    R* Yes, but no, not really. What’s the difference between MySelf & YourSelf, theoretically speaking? 

    W* MySelf is the person I am, it’s me, not the person that you or anyone else perceive – what/who I know, intrinsically. YourSelf, or You, is that person that others see or create or reify to fit their perceptions of the being they are interacting with. 

    R* But why do you feel the need to differentiate based on the reality in your self and the perception of others? 

    W*  I don’t, it’s just the way it is, I didn’t make the rules. 

    R* I’m sorry, you didn’t make the rules? 

    W* Well No, I’ve no say in the matter, it’s just the way it is, was, will be. 

    R* I’ve never heard anyone make this argument before so… 

    W* that’s because it’s not an argument, it’s a basic principle of existence. 

    R* Since when? 

    W* Since the Universes. 

    R* The Universes? But what does 100 billion years of space have to do with perceptions and realities? 

    W* Nothing. 

    R* Then why did you say it’s a principle existence of time eternal? 

    W* Because it is. Just because the universe doesn’t take credit for a principle doesn’t mean it hasn’t always been. You have to believe that certain things ARE, simply because they ARE, not because you can explain or define or deconstruct them. If that were the case, we’d have died off before the first Pithecus walked upright. 

    R* Why 

    W*  Life doesn’t have time for that sort of interrogation when trying to survive. The question of perception, as it is and as it’s perceived, constructed, reconstructed, retooled, disembowled, reconfigured, reimagined, is a question that spans more millennia than recorded history has recorded. Perception, as a general construct, seems quite simple, yes? And therefore people think of it as a very cut & dried subject, concrete, static, when in fact it’s one of those ideas that plays out in a variety of ways, maybe a 1000 or 10,000, in one mind, and in 10 minds, interacting with one another, giving every variant thought hundreds of new, additional thoughts, and on and on. This is why A.I. will never capture the essence of creativity. Not human creativity, not animal creativity, plant, rock, soil, water, air, nothing, it’s too stupid to consider the nuance of the way one person’s perception colors another’s & it most certainly won’t ever go through any of the life experiences that we have, or that river’s have, or anything else. 

    R* OK, this is heavy, I didn’t think my initial question would result in my brain hurting. 

    W* Well, that’s part of the deal, we ask questions without knowing answers, or maybe thinking we know the answers, and sometimes we’re unsurprised and sometimes we’re dumbfounded by what we hear. There’s no reason to feel inept or unable, life is hard, and stupid, and ridiculous, and full of both the circuitous and the non-linear that proves to be linear long after the fact. Though linear isn’t even a term that we can ascribe a particular definition to as we need look no further than latitude and longitude and the process of delineating seemingly curved straight lines that have no beginning and no end, and are based on the make-up of the earth as it was several hundred years ago, and the trajectory it follows, which changes, and therefore changes the make-up of the orb as it is at any given point, and over time changes the degree to which earth’s land masses and atmospheres are affected by the forces of gravity and radiation and pressure and volcanic activity and tectonic shifts and then with the poles shifting, slightly, and constantly, possibly causing further disruptions in the continuum that we rely on for our alarm clocks, altering the very definition of what we think of as fixed and therefore throwing all previous knowledge relating to everything in recorded history out the proverbial window. 

    R* So you’re saying that if you drink with myself then you’re drinking alone

    W* fer fuck’s sake, how in the fuck would I drink w/ yourself, don’t you mean you, drink with you

    R* you said that yourself was not the same as myself – so then wouldn’t I refer to yourself as myself if referencing something that you’re engaged in?

    W* No, that’s non-sensical 

    R* I don’t get it. Myself & yourself don’t mean the same when speaking about yourself but when speaking about someone else they do mean the same?

    W* myself & yourself never mean the same thing, regardless of who’s using them

    R* can we start over?

    W* This is why I drink… with MySelf

  • if i be drunk: an ode to the drinkers who be drunk, & the like

    if i be drunk: an ode to the drinkers who be drunk, & the like

    If I be drunk, please let me be

    Maybe prop me up if I need to pee

    If I be drunk, I promise I’m fine

    I’ll sober myself in the course of due time

    If I be drunk, I’m probably warm

    Pants may come off, that’s usually the norm 

    If I be drunk, please don’t tell my boss

    She’s not real happy when I’m on the sauce

    If I be drunk, I might dance on a table

    Be ready to run, I won’t be so stable

    If I be drunk, & by drunk – I Mean Rurnt 

    Do not be nervous, I’m already turnt

    If I be drunk, I will want some grub

    Scrapple & eggs & grits & bub 

    If I be drunk, I’ll try not to sing

    Wait, no, no chance, you know Paper Rings?

    If I be drunk, it might be to cope

    The world is fucked, I’ve lost so much hope

    If I be drunk, consider the sitch 

    Dystopian nightmare & me eyes often twitch

    If I be drunk, it won’t be for long

    I’ll straighten right up – once Cheech smokes out Chong

    If I be drunk, I promise – my dear

    I’ll try real hard to not spill my beer

    If I be drunk, might get a tattoo 

    Portrait of cat, sitting in loo 

    If I be drunk, & meet with Jeff Be –  zos 

    I hope that fucker ain’t eating my que – sos

    If I be drunk, it’s probably late

    Though possibly early, depends on my state

    If I be drunk, I could make us some eggs

    But really, don’t ask – if there’s still untapped kegs

    If I be drunk, in time I’ll be drunker

    Probably best if I don’t drive my clunker

    If I be drunk, the moon must be out

    Have I told you about that time I had gout?

    If I be drunk, please feed the cats

    I tend to forget when drinking from vats

    If I be drunk, we must toast your success

    I’d like to toast mine but I’m a hot fucking mess

    If I be drunk, I might quote Faust

    And in case you’re wondering, I’ll include notes from Proust

    If I be drunk, inevitably someone will say

    For fuck’s sake man, you’re in my fucking way

    To which I will quietly retort

    Piss off ya hoser, pour me a port

    If I be drunk, you know, completely shatfaced

    My friend may – affectionately – call me rat face

    If I be drunk, my keys are over there

    Just past the goats on the eight legged chair

    If I be drunk, please shush your mouth

    I’ll lay where I lie & I’ll piss on your couch

    If I be drunk, or if drunk I be

    Fer the love of Christ & Baby Jesus, don’t bring me iced tea

    If I be drunk, you just may find

    I move left & then right, can’t walk a straight line

    If I be drunk as Christmas draws near

    I’ll greet you with bells on – shit-tons of cheer

    If I be drunk on the eve of the Eve

    I’m probly having grasshoppers with Willie and Steve

    If I be drunk on Christmas Eve proper

    I’m caroling with Oprah, Nigel Hayes & Mark Knopfler

    If I be drunk, and it’s Christmas Day

    I’m at the North Pole, passed out in a sleigh

    If I be drunk and Christmas be past

    I’m at Barnes & Noble reading Condé Nast

    If I be drunk at midnight 31 December 

    It’s a solid bet I will not remember 

    If I be drunk on 2 January, 

    The only things dry are my martini & my sherry

    So if I be drunk & you happen upon me

    We can talk about Love — & Rodgers & Majikowski 

    Or if I be schnookered & I’m itching for a fight 

    We can talk Vikings Super Bowl titles, or whatever, all night

    & if I be drunk, past 3 sheets to the wind

    I’ve stopped putting tonic in with my gin

    If I be drunk, like McNulty & Bunk

    Before you drive off, make sure I’m not in your trunk

    If I be drunk on white wine or whiskey

    I’m no longer averse to being quite risky

    If I be smashed, like FUBAR but more

    much obliged if you’d join me down here on the floor

    If I be super drunk & time disappears

    DO NOT let me talk you into a few more beers

    If I be drunk, I’ll try not to repeat What I’ve already said already 

    But fuck, I’m drunk, I think my name’s Ted or Betty

    And if I be drunk, I may slur my words

    You can shut me up with some deep fried cheese curds

    If I be drunk y empiezo a hablar español 

    Estoy muy borracho y trataré de caminar a Mexico 

    If I be drunk & it looks like I’ll fall, 

    no worries friend, I’m just holdin’ up this wall

    If I be drunk & at your party show-up, 

    please – do not – hand me – a red – solo – cup

    If I be drunk, pie eyed & plastered indeed, 

    I will not follow-nor will I lead

    If I be drunk on thee cheapest rot gut, 

    It’s just a matter of time before I give you a YUUUUUT!

    If I be drunk on the 5th of September, 

    don’t ask, I do not remember

    If I be drunk on 15 October, 

    it’s our anniversary, of course I’m not sober

    If I be drunk & it’s November ten

    I drinks for The Corps, Bigbird, and the souls of Edmund Fitzgerald’s 29 men

    If I be drunk & pass out in the park, 

    neighbors will talk & Dogs, they will bark 

    If I be drunk & the walls go to spinnin

    Likelihood of hurling goes up by six trillion

    If I be drunk and try making bread

    Remind me I’m drunk then lock me in the shed

    If I be drank, to say next level drunk

    No need to poke me, I’m not getting up

    If I be drunk and don’t pay my bill, 

    I’ll pay double tomorrow, put a note in the till

    If I be drunk and start talkin’ shit

    Ya might wanna record, I’m known for my wit