Diamond Lake Creative

Tag: creative writing

Things That May Have Happened in Ladysmith, Wisconsin, & If So,How They’d Be Reported in The Police Blotter

Caller stated strange noises coming from neighbors house; Officer dispatched to scene; Neighbors having a party, did not inform nor invite caller

Cracked CD found on County Rd. M.; Tiffany – Greatest Hits; The owner has not come forward

IGA parking lot scene of crime spree; 3 youth apprehended in Corbett Lake after dabbing fox urine on passenger seats of 9 vehicles; Charges pending; – 9 vehicles for sale at discounted price

Local boy drives into river; Mother sees it happen, calls father, then the Sheriff; Father yells at boy while Sheriff fishes him out of the car

Alley rat not actual rat; Stanley C. reported a rat in the alley behind his home; Stanley’s wife,Elsie, later called and confirmed the animal was a smallish dog with diamond crusted collar; Diamonds were apparently not real

Tings Bar called to report drunk man playing pool in his underwear; Man refused to put on pants, claimed he was hot; Several patrons got hold of the man and placed him in the bar’s ice-bin and then plugged the jukebox full of quarters and played Foreigner’s Cold As Ice repeatedly until bar close

Report of goose feces around Corbett Lake confirmed by Deputy – According to citizens in the area this is probably normal goose activity

Glen Flora Man shoots tree in self-defense; told Sheriff that the tree dropped limbs on him on purpose & 1 limb nearly broke his leg;
The tree was examined and cleared for continued growth

Sheriff’s deputies dispatched to OJ Falge Park after report of several kids dancing on a picnic table; Kids stated they were practicing for the talent show; Deputy unaware of any upcoming talent shows told kids to practice on the ground.

High School lunch staff reported theft of 10 gallons of ranch dressing; They were set to launch a new lunch menu focused on serving healthier options with more crunch appeal! Carrots with ranch & multigrain tortilla chips served with low-fat turkey con queso (melted cheese combined with milk & butter) should be very popular, said Principal Lee. The department has no leads and is asking for the public’s help in tracking down the ranch. No reward offered, yet.

Deputy questioned after citizen filed complaint stating responding deputy was humming the Shania Twain song, Any Man of Mine, while investigating the scene of an overturned Wal-Mart truck and trailer. The semi was on it’s way to the Ladysmith Wal-Mart, East-bound (and down) on Hwy. 8 – and in addition to many other goods, Shania Twain’s greatest hits CD’s were strewn about the roadway. The Deputy said he just likes that song.

Glen Flora bingo game stopped by 6 raccoons looking for a snack. Betty and Erma said they recognized the critters as ones that come by their houses most nights but due to the bingo game going long, the raccoons made their way over to the church and let themselves in. They were given egg salad on rye and pancakes with syrup and were on their way.

Report of raccoon grazing on raspberries alongside County Rd P.

Intoxicated individual drove truck into cornfield so as not to receive DWI for driving while on the roadway. Farmer reports truck belongs to him and the driver was his son-in-law. Farmer stated son-in-law from Iowa and believes that to be a common practice down there

Ex wife damages spruce trees while backing loaded trailer out of drive. Ex husband reports that he offered to back the trailer but she refused because she didn’t need his help anymore.

Report of a wild alligator found swimming in Parker’s Pond. Law enforcement showed up with nets and traps but did not find any alligator. Large wet sheep dog seen running across the field as officers drove away

Road hazard reported in Jump River by man wearing Waylon Jennings for President hat. When responding officer arrived he found the man singing Pancho and Lefty while sitting on his hood and staring at a large pothole. Officer advised the singer to drive around the pothole.

911 call received Tuesday night, Michael Jackson’s Billie Jean playing very loud and no one responding to Dispatcher’s questions; after song finished caller told Dispatch they wanted to share that song with the world because it made them feel so good: Dispatch thanked the caller for their thoughtful gesture and assured them it would be mentioned in the police blotter

Anonymous caller reported 46 vehicles drove by his house; dispatch asked if the cars were doing anything wrong, caller responded that they appeared to be driving the speed limit and that seemed kinda fishy

16/08/2025
They Ask Me Why I Drink & Then They Tell Me What They Think

Kenneth • Have you no shame, man?

Kal • Nope, none, no need for it.

Ken • You’re pissing in my yard, on my gladioli, at 3 o’clock in the morning.

Kal • Yep.

Ken • What do you mean, ‘Yep’.

Kal • I mean yep, I’m pissin in your yard – would you rather I pissed on your porch?

Ken • Are you drunk?

Kal • Yep.

Ken • Oh my god, what is wrong with you?

Kal • Well, whether it’s technically wrong I can’t say but I drink too much beer a lot of times, which makes a guy have to piss a lot: I’m manic depressive with a healthy side of anxiety- I got real bad ADHD, so bad my ADHD has ADHD; my septum got deviated when I was a younger fella so I’ve had snoring issues exacerbated by seasonal allergies & beer – the hoppy beers really do a number on my sinuses; I’ve had acid reflux since I could crawl, also exacerbated by alcohol & cigarettes & caffeine & sugar but I’ll get a case of it from drinking water; my stress levels are considered unhealthy, like standing down wind from a forest fire just breathing it in; I get Costochondritis pretty regular & randomly experience episodes of back spasms that register 70 on a scale of 1-10 – my whole body locks up, like early onset rigor mortis- lungs can’t even let air in or out, feels a lot like being stabbed 1,000 x a second & it’ll last 5, 10, 20 seconds, normally, might happen 4,5,6 times in a couple minute period, then go into hiding for 5-6 hours before popping out again; this can go on for a day or 2 & as long as a week, & the only medication that’s ever really helped is considered too dangerous cuz it can cause addiction issues but hell, I’ll take addiction over that shit any day;

Ken • Jesus, how are you even alive… you are alive, aren’t you?

Kal • far as I know I am but I haven’t asked anyone recently, you might be onto something. Anyway, I haven’t had a good nights’ sleep since before the Donald’s decision to reignite the Confederacy’s drive to “do it again”.

Ken • Sorry, the Donald? the Confederacy?

Kal • Yeah, not the Duck, and not the Dunces – well, I guess the Dunces are implicated in recent events, and I’ve got the flattest feet in Maryland, according to my old podiatrist, he used to play with Jesus when they were kids, so I moved to Minnesota & stopped visiting podiatrists, still got flat feet but I don’t talk about it now; I’ve got a mitral valve prolapse condition which keeps my resting heart rate fairly elevated & my elevated heart rate at Mach 1; I spend too much time worrying about what other people think, though far less than I did 10 years ago, my bucket-o-fucks-to-give is empty, ran out last October; I empathize a great deal, like way more than what’s considered healthy by professional empaths – which makes people wonder how such a thing is possible for someone who’s all out of fucks-to-give, it seems contradictory at best and generally an impossibility if existing on the same plane, but it’s not impossible, not even difficult anymore, they’ve learned how to coexist within the anterior cingulate cortex – I credit cats with teaching me how to navigate that series of complex conditional responses, I lost my sense of direction once and ended up in Florida, won’t make that mistake again

Ken • What’s wrong with Florida?

Kal • Wish I knew cuz I’d try and help’em fix it, might just be karma for how they treat the manatees

Ken • Manatees? What’ve they got to do with it?

Kal • Boaters keep hitting ‘em, and climate change, pollution, stress, it’s making it harder for them to survive, Florida’s the culprit, not “Florida Man”, mind you, Florida, the whole State

Ken • Oh, I see, well, maybe the manatees could be placed in a safe location where there are no boats

Kal • Yeah, sure, maybe, and monkeys might fly out of my butt

Ken • Oh, yes, I suppose it would be difficult to herd manatees

Kal • yeah, manatee herding is no longer taught in the public schools, one more reason to privatize education

Ken • Wait, what about the cat herders, couldn’t they do it?

Kal • If they weren’t all retired, I suppose they could, but the youngest one just turned 75, they’re all living in Japan, running cat cafés, interesting dudes

Ken • I’ll say, I didn’t realize cat’s went out to eat

Kal • Oh sure, they love it, crab cocktail with fresh nip, claw-n-eat shrimp, Salmon sake pâté shooters, raw tuna terrine in lobster butter broth, it’s basically fine dining for cats

Ken • My, that sounds delicious, now I’m hungry, would you care to join me for an early breakfast? Eggs Royale and champagne sounds good – how about it?

Kal • I could eat – just let me finish pissin’

31/07/2025
Cat Clouds to Replace Mushroom Clouds

Nuclear Proliferation is Scary – Cats aren’t

Cloud creators from four countries are working with a renowned undergraduate from Liberty University – who is studying Radio and Active Falling Clouds – in hopes of creating a new type of radioactive mushroom cloud. The group spent most of the first year weighing the pros and cons of various animal shaped clouds before settling on the domestic cat. Beeargh, the leader of the working group said, “the biggest obstacle was deciding whether it was more important to make the cloud appear as an emoji – basic outline with eyes, nose, ears and whiskers, maybe a body, maybe a tail, unless we chose a Bobtail, that would be a far more difficult prototype – or if we wanted to focus on a specific breed – Norwegian Forest Cat, Canadian Sphynx, Siberian Forest Cat, Egyptian Mau, Maine Coon, etc. In the end, we figured that a more generic cat cloud would eliminate the possibility of entire nation’s/region’s being labeled as ‘Pro Nuke’ or ‘Anti-Mushroom Cloud’, and that was a really important piece of the larger discussion”.

Having the Right Stuff to be a Cloud Creator

Malackhi, the 20 year-old Liberty student heading up the AI word processing language matrix is still kind of shocked by being picked for this mission (code-name: Operation Nukem-Kitty). He said, I realize that my qualifications were over and above the stated job requirements: ‘White; Male; Conservative; Born Again, Again; Enjoys Looking at Clouds; Alpha-Alpha; Speaks Using Tongue and mandible; Signed Virginity Pledge; Signed Tax-Evasion Pledge; Signed J-6 Innocence Project Pledge; Defender of Evangelical Rights and Wrongs; In Possession of No Less Than 27 Arms – or 21 Arms & 8 Legs; Fluent in English, God Bless The USA Bible, Hyperbole, Dipshit, and Doublespeak; and Has Demonstrable Experience Using a Fryer and Flat-top Griddle’; but I think what sealed it was my close and personal relationship with Uncle Jerry (Jerry Falwell Jr.). Uncle Jerry takes me to Las Vegas twice a year and we pray over people who are addicted to gambling or drugs or drink or sex or shopping or Boba Tea, or DEI, or pretty much anything that goes against God – we usually pray over 10-20 folks each morning and then retire to the pool for the rest of the day. We need to rest-up before going soul-saving each night. Mostly we’re looking for sinners at The Peppermint Hippo and The Spearmint Rhino and while we don’t always find sinners, we do always have fresh breath”.

Nuclear Cloud Testing Logistics

The team says they are about 2 weeks away from testing their first cloud and that the location cannot be shared as it would ruin the surprise. They want to get people’s honest reactions to a nuclear blast that provides a more pleasing cloud aesthetic. “If we told everyone where we were gonna drop the bomb, there’d be a mad rush to get to the spot so they could take pictures and videos”, Peter of St. Petersburg said – he added, “That would absolutely destroy any credibility offered by a post-mortem of our bi-polar scale survey. We spent a lot of time getting the wording just right so there wouldn’t be any inherent bias for or against mushroom or cat clouds. I mean, if people knew about it and then did the survey, how do you think they’d answer a question like ‘When you first heard the blast, were you scared that you were going to see a mushroom cloud?’. Nobody’d be scared, maybe surprised when it turned out to be a cute cat cloud, but definitely not scared. So we’re keeping the location under lock and key until we get everything set-up.”

Having now dedicated more than 18 months of their lives to this project, the team feels like anything short of perfection is not good enough. Beeargh concluded with this astute observation; “Our nation deserves a better cloud image for future nuke drops. If we expect America to be respected by the rest of the world, we need to soften the edges associated with war and highly enriched uranium. I think a radioactive cat cloud is a good first step in that direction”. The best they can hope for is a highly successful first run. If they don’t get it right, there may not be a 2nd opportunity as all 5 members of the team will be on location to witness the event. Good Luck to all involved and God Speed!

24/06/2025
Cut Your Water Bill by 75% or More

Water Bill getting to be too much? Here’s how you can cut that thing by 75% or more. This isn’t a secret, unless you like secrets; the thing is, most folks assume that they need all kinds of water for all kinds of activities – that ain’t true. If you’re swimming, you probably need water. Flushing a toilet? Water will definitely make it easier. Trying to put out the fire your kid started in the front yard – water is the ticket. Aside from that, you can do without a lot of your water usage. I’ve outlined a number of ways to reduce the speed at which your water meter spins and get the gallon guzzling under control.

1: Stop doing dishes. You’re gonna eat off them again, yes? It’s just food on there, no need to waste water cleaning it when you’ll just get it dirty again. If it’s moldy, windex that shit, wipe with a paper towel and voila! What’s that, you’re not gonna use it again? Throw it away, fuck it.

2: How often are you showering? Anything more than once a month is too much. Oh, you work a job that makes you sweat a lot, that’s ok, use more deodorant, wherever you sweat. Put it on thick, that’ll stop the sweat from escaping those little pores. And if you’re living anywhere that the temperatures drop below 60 degrees for extended periods, you can just seal the shower off, you don’t need to clean up, you’re not that dirty. Maybe go jump in the creek once in a while, cut a hole in the ice if needed, but showering in cold weather is dumb.

3: Hand-washing? Stop! Why? Hand sanitizer, forks, spoons, knives, hammers, wrenches, screwdrivers, rivet-guns, sticks, there’s so many options that don’t require water. I know, I know, hand-washing kills germs – so does Everclear, and it tastes better than soap, trust me on that one. Wash a little, drink a little, I can’t believe this didn’t catch on in the 19th century.

4: Do you have a beautiful green “natural” lawn? Do you live in Phoenix, or Las Vegas, or Los Angeles? Or anywhere else that doesn’t provide for the organic upkeep of a lush emerald patch of earth? Stop watering! Grass grows just fine where it’s supposed to. If it’s not growing fine where you are, don’t try to be a hero and make your lawn beautiful just so the neighbors will feel bad about their patchy brown lot. Rocks are pretty and don’t require watering. Same for dirt, sand, driftwood, “weeds“, and any other shit that doesn’t require you to use water for their upkeep. If you feel the need to beautify the spaces around your home, hire an artist to paint stuff. Artists are really creative and they’ll come up with something that will provide a pleasing aesthetic for anyone passing by. If you’re living in an area classified as arid, semi-arid, or really cold, the idea of green lawns is just stupid. Stop it!

5: Here’s the big one… you don’t need to drink eight glasses of water a day; you don’t even need to drink one glass, you just need to eat more fruit and vegetables and drink more wine and beer. Fruit and veggies are between 80-95% water, approximately. Don’t waste water by filling a glass to drink, eat healthy food and you’ll get all the water you need. Or, if you’re like me, not ready to give up Sourdough, Patty Melts, Kettle Chips, & Chicken Fried Chicken… and not able to handle the volume of fruit/veg in addition to more delicious foods, up your intake of beer and wine. Similar to fruits and veggies, beer and wine are 80-95% water. You don’t need to drink water; tap, bottled, rehydrated, recycled, hydrogenated, dehydrated, semi-arid or any other variety – wine and beer are here for your hydration nation party.
If you need more of an incentive to change your habits, consider this. Farmers rely on water to grow our food (both from the skies and from local aquifers and rivers). Without water that food won’t grow. Without that food, we won’t survive. Without survival of our species, other species will thrive… forget everything I wrote, let the ecosystems have their way, let other species thrive, let earth heal. Our time here is limited, a couple hundred years from now the wolves will ask the caribou, “where’d the weirdos go?” And the caribou will reply, “they faded away – returned to the cosmos to create new stardust”. That seems like an appropriate place to end.

18/06/2025
30 Minutes Meals: Not as Hard as it Used to Be
101 thirty minute meals for ADHD Adults who enjoy cooking… but are frustrated by the amount of time it takes to make a “30 minute meal” – which can range from 90 minutes to four+ hours.
The following list requires little to no cooking and can be found nationwide in local grocers or fast-food joints – with obvious exceptions e.g. Skyline Chile, WHATABURGER, Taco John’s etc.
1. Skyline Chili
2. Sazerac
3. Jerry’s German Potato Salad with black pepper and hot sauce
4. Manhattan
5. McDonald’s
6. Blackberry Brandy (Jeżynówka)
7. Pint/Quart of Ice Cream
8. Ritz Crackers
9. Wendy’s
10. 2 slices of pizza from a local slicery
11. Gins & Tonics
12. Pigshit & sauerkraut (if pigs nearby and sauerkraut in fridge)
13. Taco John’s
14. Hawaiian rolls with ranch dressing
15. Whiskey Coke
16. peanut butter, jelly, spoon, maybe a bowl
17. Leeann Chin
18. cheese
19. Champagne/Sparkling Wine
20. chocolate chips, peanut butter, spoon, plate
21. Arby’s
22. White Russians (caucasians)
23. Canned tuna with cornichons and Triscuits
24. lettuce, bacon bits, pepper, Ranch (Western, French, or Catalina also delicious)
25. Tequila
26. Taco Bell
27. Rum & Pepsi with a lime (lime optional)
28. Pastrami
29. Sushi
30. Subway
31. Triscuits without accoutrements
32. Kwik Trip fried chicken
33. Grappa (this is a meal only if you’ve previously had dining experiences with Grappa – don’t do it if you don’t know it)
34. KFC
35. Graul’s Famous Ham Salad and their Parkerhouse rolls (mustard optional)
36. Bourbon
37. Ben & Jerry’s
38. Rotisserie Chicken
39. Long John Silver’s
40. Twinkies and cheesecurds
41. peanut butter and a spoon
42. Canned tuna and rice crackers
43. Campari & soda (a dozen+ should suffice)
44. White Castle
45. Pecan Pie
46. Fried eggs (requires cooking but if you can focus for 3-4 minutes you’ll have them in the pan and cooking – just don’t forget about them).
47. Long Island Iced Tea (3 is plenty)
48. Carl’s Jr.
49. Mezcal
50. Brown Sugar Sandwiches
51. Burger King
52. Apples
53. Bananas
54. Moonshine
55. Popeyes
56. Dandelion Wine
57. Tortilla chips and pico-de-gallo
58. Tortilla chips and salsa
59. WHATABURGER
60. Single Malt
61. Cheesecurds and salami
62. Cheesecurds and beer
63. Del Taco
64. Uppers/speed/white crosses
65. a nice tall glass of shut-the-fuck-up (only if in a pissy mood)
66. Vodka tonics
67. Royal Farms Chicken fingers and JoJos (not the Dancer)
68. Church’s
69. Key Lime Pie
70. Beer Nuts
71. Corn Nuts
72. WaWa Italian Hoagie
73. Jack-in-the-Box
74. Cheesecurds and summer sausage
75. Kowalski’s olive bar and wings bar
76. Hardees
77. Tap water (if fluoridated)
78. Power Bar (not flavorful but filling)
79. Diet Coke
80. Blue Hawaiian
81. Inn-n-Out
82. Ketchup & mustard packets sprayed on Hawaiian Rolls
83. Bloody Mary (3-4-7)
84. Snickers (2-3)
85. Hot dogs, if a microwave is handy – or you can eat them cold
86. Cold cereal
87. Cold beer
88. Red Wine (no decanting)
89. White Wine (only if pre-chilled)
90. Five Guys
91. Cheesecurds and wine
92. Cheesecurds and 7&7
93. Cheesecurds and donuts and Coke
94. Lund’s & Byerly’s Hot soup bar
95. Bagel & cream cheese
96. Rice Cakes and cheesecurds and summer sausage
97. Old Dutch Potato Chips
98. Doritos
99. olives and wine
100. goat cheese and membrillo
101. Old Milwaukee, Marlboro Reds, & a full bottle of extra strength Tums
08/06/2025
This Episode of Phantasy Phishing Phonemes – With Special Guest Vincent Van Voort – is Brought to You by The Letter V

Vanity vet vein vane viscous various visa vegan voracious vis varicose veteran vigilante vestibular valiant voricarious ventoux valentine vacqueyras valor ventriloquist vanlife vehement vigor Vixen vaccination Vrabel vickers Vicks Volvo vagabond viscious Vegasbound veer vie Vermonter vim vigor Verronaisse Vienna Villa Villanova vogue Villaserra Ville vague vogue vici votel vent vast Vanderwaal vibe vinyl vapid verstuben vomit vagus ven Venn veep violin viola veni violet vaginal vulgar vanilla Voltron vedi venal Vans verifiable Viking Vizzy vin v.i.n. vine vino veritas very velum visual valium vector Victor venice Victrola vey visit vo visitor vacuum vroom vape volley victory Veronnaise valley VA vero voyage vole vichiyssoise Viognier variable Vermentino vied viščiukas vex Volodymyr village value vest vintage Vespa veal vaccine vieux Veramonte vista view vantage vanish verde viejo VonDutch VanHalen vat Veronique Vicki vigo vitriol vienna venom vermin Vesper vote vespers Vishali Vishal VanGogh vale Vietnam Vindaloo vile Vader vendetta Venus Vulture Visigoth vow verbatim Vanna Vanee VanDuzer vignette vision vasal vessel vortex Voss vase veil victim visage valencia vermilion vegetable vail vermouth visible valerie vicinity vibe ventricular vanyo virtue vasectomy vestibule varmint viscitude vandal veranda vancouver vinaigrette vice vladivostok vette viticulture vacant viniculture vineyard verbose vetrinarian verklempt vaxxer vox vex vernacular vascilate virgo virgin virgina vance vince verstrology vitology virology vampire velcro voice vanish varnish voldemort valdosta valkyrie venture

22/05/2025
It’s coming along

The site is coming together and I take partial credit, like in high school when you 1/2-assed a homework assignment and the teacher said:

Well, it’s better than nothing, which isn’t saying much, but you gave it a shot, though not a very good shot, in fact if it was a basketball, the ball would have never left your hands… actually, nobody would have passed you the ball in the first place so you wouldn’t even be in the position to consider a shot, unless you were considering somebody else taking a shot, which is maybe what happened here – you got to thinking about your classmate’s doing their homework assignment and figured that because they were going to do a great job you didn’t need to create more work for me, given I already know all about the subject and because you have no immediate plans to work for NASA after graduation. And for that consideration, I thank you, and give you an 8/57. If you put your name on your paper, next time, I’ll add a couple tree points.

Now for the update

So anyway, six photo galleries are up, new ones will pop up occasionally, blog posts will continue regularly and unscheduled and never on time, and never being content, I’ll continuously update content in the off chance that anyone visits the site more than once. It’s coming along. I’m thinking about how I want to run the “store” piece of this site. Once that’s ironed out, photographs will be available for purchase via whichever service I’ve latched on to. And finally, the donations page will be up and running soon. Monetary donations and art supplies (new &/or good condition used) will be directed towards Public Schools, Community Centers, Senior Centers, and Services for individuals experiencing mental and/or physical health conditions. It’s coming along. I’m also trying to get my head around a gift option. Something where people can make a donation in exchange for a gift for a person, place, animal, etc. Nothing huge, no giant loon sculptures or 6’x12′ oil on canvas but a small piece of art – 1 of 1, maybe a bookmark, a painted notecard, a Thank You note, etc. etc. It’s coming along. If you have ideas, let me know.
For my part, 8/57 is pretty ok, I do better on the art homework. Hope to see you soon.
And a huge Thanks to Nate for all the work and expertise you’ve provided – Happy Trails

02/05/2025
T-Shirt Ideas for Toddlers

Hey! Everybody… Fuck You I Won’t do what you tell me

Fuck off & Die

you can take your peek-a-fucking-boo & your goochie fucking goo & go fuck yourself

if you don’t stop, I’ll kidney punch you until you piss blood

No! I’m not tired, I’m not sick, and I’m not hungry, I just hate you!

Will you please do me a favor and shut the fuck-up!

Hey, fucker, that’s my fucking cupcake, get your grubby fucking paws off it!

pinch my cheeks, lose a fucking finger

Blow it out your ass, like I do:

Fuck pants & fuck you!

I’ve been screaming for 13 fucking seconds, where the fuck are you? Don’t be mad, just get me a fucking snack, STAT!

I love you, you love me, If you don’t quiet down RIGHT NOW, I’m gonna piss on your head

I don’t give a fuck who you are, back the fuck up

Drop it like it’s hot, no, not me, asshole

Yes, I’m eating sugar from the bag, fuck off

27/04/2025
Jesus Cuts My Hair: And Other Stories From Jesus’ Barbering Days in Palestine

Hair Like Jesus was the name of the original barbershop in Nazareth. It took a while for business to pick-up because most people didn’t find hair styling/cutting to be a worthwhile expenditure. Eventually, maybe a decade before Jesus’ untimely death, the Caesar cut began to make waves throughout the Roman Empire. And while Tiberius didn’t wear this hair style, many of his adjutants and numerous Roman celebrities did. This was the period when the first t-shirts were printed with the JSMH & JCMH labels (Jesus Styles My Hair & Jesus Cuts My Hair). There were also hair-cutting disciples who would set-up pop-up barber stations throughout Judea, Samaria, & Galilee; many of them would hang a sign that read “Cutting Hair For Jesus”. This proved to be the zenith for Jesus’ popularity in the Roman Empire.

Jesus was not the only person to join the new profession. There were a number of high-profile individuals who took up the trade, to include the Holy Spirit. Most of these endeavors were short-(o)lived but there were two who pushed Jesus to constantly up his game. Peter, the disgruntled former trainer and assistant general manager for Pontius Pilate (at Pilate’s Pilates Provisions) cut a mean high and tight and was also very skilled at making curls work with, rather than against, the client’s facial attributes. Whereas the Holy Spirit used techniques that highlighted their spatial-awareness of skulls skill set while creating subtle differences between the stylings and hems of them and Jesus.

There are hundreds of wonderful parables, fables, and historically semi-accurate/articulate stories that give us a closer look at what the hair cutting industry was like during Jesus 1st run on earth. I’ve compiled a short list of some of my favorites, below. Most of these are available online from www.wwjr.bib; or if traveling, you can find brick & mortar sites of What Would Jesus Read: A Genesis of RevelationZ – Book Store, Snack Bar, & Spirits – in New York City, Los Angeles, New Orleans, Chicago, & Baltimore.
Aside from the cutting and styling copycats, a number of professions emerged from the hair biz. Landscape design outfits and nail salons would spring forth seemingly overnight in neighborhood strip malls from Byzantium (Istanbul) to Yathrib (Madinah). Other, more esoteric ventures, e.g. exercise emporiums and makeover takeover palaces, had their 15 minutes of fame before fading away – like Tim Scott post inauguration. I’ve included several of these enterprises after the story section. In all, this period of early business history was less important for what it accomplished than for what it revealed; human nature’s desire for a more pleasing aesthetic goes back millennia. Be it a cut & color, a freshly groomed guinea pig or a well manicured fig tree, we prefer that which is easy on the eyes.

1/2 Truths, Tales, & Unchronicled Notes from the final decade of Christ in Palestine
————————————————–
Hairy Stories from Jesus’ Barbershop:
•The Truth Behind The Long-Haired Hippie Style of Rōmmies & Why Caesars wore the Caesar cut
•The Hair Sweepers of Ancient Samaria
•Hair Stylist School as Post-Water-Gathering option: Aveda before it was Aveda
•That one time Jesus shaved, #2 – 2nd 2 None, into The Holy Spirit’s head
•Jesus’ use of mechanical shears before electricity
•Jesus Dyed my hair, but he didn’t die for my hair
•Jesus cut Delilahs hair before she cut Sampson’s hair
•Jesus fucked up the money changers because they didn’t tip him after getting their hair cut
•Mary & Joseph got free haircuts when Jesus achieved the title of Master Hair Stylist – but they still payed for the color tints
•Thomas doubted Jesus could give him a feathered look – & Jesus wept. But then, Thomas let Jesus cut his hair & he doubted nevermore, or at least until the YOLO controversy

•Before the Last Supper, Jesus offered all of his disciples a free haircut; they all took him up on the offer excepting Philip, he had recently gotten his hair styled by Mary Magdalene – she was secretly supporting Philip’s fashion designer dreams in exchange for his company
•Jesus first job cutting hair was in a salon called Capillus Secare
•Jesus once gave me a coupon for 10% off my next visit – good for the purchase of product or haircut; I used the coupon for the shearing of my sheep 🙂 Jesus wept.
•Jesus barbershop was the most popular in Palestine because it offered complementary wine & unleavened leavened flatbread
•The Holy Spirit, Jesus’ right hand spirit, extended special discounted laundry services if you were getting a cut & color
•God The Spirit is sort of like Vodka – both spiritual, both worshipped/revered, & both enjoyed with orange juice on Sunday mornings

•Jesus favorite thing to tell customers was “Healthy Hair is Happy Hair”
Gaius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, a.k.a.Caligula/Gaius, often heard this when, as a child, he accompanied his father on hair-cutting errands. As Gaius lost his hair, he came to despise the saying and, by extension, Jesus and all of his long-haired customers/followers. However, after the crucifixion, Caligula had a change of heart. His appreciation for the work done by Jesus and Christ’s love for all people (well, all people who weren’t uber-wealthy assholes) touched Gaius in a way he wasn’t accustomed to. He spent his years as Emperor advocating for a complete expungement of Jesus’ criminal record, while eradicating the MAGAesque Senators who were prone to outlandish conspiracy theories and regularly quoted Diogenes of Sinope. Caligula, like all Caesars, was a complex fellow.

Things the Bible never told you:
•Jesus uses the iPhone, in his 2nd act, to contact non-believers, it shows up as JSPAM, which many Midwesterners assume is Jalapeno SPAM and so they don’t answer
•Jesus wasn’t a baker by trade, his unleavened flatbreads ended up airy & delightful (leavened with no leavening agent and seasoned perfectly every time), not what local foodies expected nor desired. Local chefs heckled him but Martha & Mary of Bethany would eat 8-10 of these earliest taboon breads each week. And Judas Iscariot set up a stall next to the barbershop & began selling the bread (and giving it away to the poor and oppressed, as instructed by Jesus). The stall never sold out; Jesus used his multiplication of loaves trick to keep bread stocked 24/7.
•Jesus trimmed trees, & hair, & livestock by appointment. He didn’t allow animals larger than a standard ram or ewe in the shop but he had 6 stanchions out back and could accommodate additional animals at his home in Nazareth
•Jesus, Mary, & Joseph Cabinetry & Contracting Services LLC (JMJCCS) was a short lived business venture due to customers’ complaints of Jesus’ constant preaching to them about the importance of not wearing garments that contained both wool and linen
•Luke’s Landscape Designs (L.L.D.) was so successful that it still exists today – you know it better as Lowe’s
•Mathew’s Mani-Pedi Mart (MMPM) doubled as a social club for Mani-Pedi Men (MPM). Mani-Pedi Men were known throughout the Roman Empire for their fabulous shows performing song and dance. Dressed in robes of silk adorned with red diamonds and rubies and and green onyx and emeralds (now you know where the Christmas color palette originated) their shows drew crowds similar to what one saw in the most popular coliseum events
•Mark’s Makeover Palace (MMP) was the first licensed clinic, in the world, to provide gender affirming care. Mark’s oldest sibling, Joanna, was his first client and the reason he decided to open the clinic. In addition to hormone replacement therapy and puberty blockers, the clinic offered voice therapy, social service navigation, and mental health professionals available day and night
•John’s House of Jellos, Jaffa Oranges, & Jams (JHJJOJ) turned every meal into a celebration. With the addition of citrus jellies, pâtés, teas, condiments, sauces, relishes and more, the days of bland falafel sandwiches and disappointing dolma were over. John passed away, unexpectedly, eaten by a destruction of caracal. Nevertheless, his ideas for fruit as primary subject, rather than side or accompaniment is carried on at Frog Hollow Farm.
•Saul’s Balls: Party Planning Services for Galas, Soirées, Receptions, Reunions, Balls, and social gatherings of all types went the way of the Dodo long before the Dodo was killed off. Saul was caught hand-laundering money and was convicted for financially supporting the up and coming Zhou Dynasty (China) in exchange for the secret Zhou method of making 27 layer jello
•King David’s Royal Dry-Sand-Cleaning, Sword Sharpening, Robe Repair, & Artisanal Hummus Bowls shops were the primary economic driver of Judah’s amazing quarter century of 7%+ annual growth rate. After King David’s death, King Solomon attempted to stay the course, economically, but due to the grass pollens and ragweed allergen plagues, Judah’s growth rate never topped 4.3%.
•Sampson & Delilah’s Salon & Extreme Xercise Emporium (S&D’sSEXE) almost made it to America. They had a SEXE Club in London, when the Puritans made their first trip to the “new world”. The Puritans needed more money to secure a 2nd boat and S&D had the funds. They agreed to chip-in for the boat in exchange for a ride for the 3 owners, 5 employees and 14 pieces of club equipment. Less than 50 miles out of London, the S&D folk were thrown overboard. The equipment was spared and was stored in a pole shed just north of Salem. 100 years later a proper building was constructed and the club was once again active with a few minor changes – including the name – most call it The Y.
•Archangel Allen’s Art Supplies & Aphrodisiacs was very popular with the Groths, a group of younger people who wore earth tones, primarily brown and green. Unfortunately, Allen succumbed to the allure of great riches and repute. The last time anyone saw him he was riding away on a pale green horse.

17/04/2025
You Don’t Look Like a Smoker: Conversations You May Have Overheard in 1988

Dahlia (D): You don’t look like a smoker

Leo (L): What does a smoker look like

(D) You know, not like you

(L) Oh, yeah, I think I know, taller and wearing a tighter t-shirt

(D) Yeah, something like that

(L) Hmmm – I suppose I could buy some platform shoes and smaller t-shirts

(D) Why?

(L) So I would look like a smoker

(D) Why would you want to look like a smoker?

(L) So people wouldn’t tell me I don’t look like a smoker

(D) Oh

(L) –

(D) –

(L) –

(D) But why not just quit?

(L) Quit what?

(D) Smoking

(L) Why?

(D) So people wouldn’t keep telling you you don’t look like a smoker

(L) Oh – well, I’m not a quitter

(D) What?

(L) I’m not a quitter

(D) What’s that supposed to mean

(L) It means I don’t just quit when something becomes difficult

(D) Why?

(L) Because that’s weak! Winners never quit and quitters never win.

(D) Oh, I didn’t know.

(L) Yeah, I figured

(D) So what color t-shirts you gonna get?

(L) When?

(D) Whenever you go shopping for smaller shirts?

(L) Why would I buy smaller shirts?

(D) So people won’t tell you you don’t look like a smoker

(L) But I am a smoker

(D) I know, but people tell you you don’t look like a smoker

(L) Yeah?

(D) So if you get smaller t-shirts, and some boots to make you taller, people will stop assuming you don’t smoke

(L) Yeah, I guess you have a point, but maybe I should just go to the gym and get swoll so I don’t need to spend money on new shirts and shoes

(D) What exercise makes you taller?

(L) What? None, what do you mean?

(D) You said you could go to the gym instead of buying smaller shirts and taller boots

(L) No, not taller, thicker, bigger chest and biceps and abs – so I’ll look taller without buying new shoes

(D) How will bigger arms and a broader chest make you look taller?

(L) You know, because people will be looking at my guns and pecs and then they’ll raise their eyes to see my face and they’ll think I’m taller than I am

(D) What? Why?

(L) Because they perceive people with big muscles as taller

(D) Who does?

(L) People

(D) What people?

(L) Like, everyone; don’t you?

(D) No

(L) Why?

(D) Because people who are more muscular look more muscular but their height doesn’t appear different to me.

L) That’s weird

(D) Why?

(L) Because if you’re looking at someone’s muscles, below the neck, and then you have to move your eyes up to get to their face, they appear taller

(D) No they don’t

(L) Yes they do

(D) Whatever, so you’re going to the gym instead of buying new clothes?

(L) I don’t know, Maybe I’ll do both

(D) Wait, if you go to the gym and workout and have bigger muscles, you won’t need the new clothes and if you get the new smaller clothes, you won’t need to go to the gym

(L) Maybe I want new clothes and bigger muscles

(D) Oh, well then I guess that would make sense

L) Yeah, but I’ll have to see about getting a job so I have money cuz gym memberships are spendy and new clothes ain’t cheap

(D) You don’t have a job?

(L) No

(D) What do you do all day?

(L) Stuff

(D) Like what?

(L) Smoke cigarettes & talk to people

(D) There’s your job, you should work as a telephone operator – they smoke & talk all day

(L) Really

(D) Yeah, my aunt Tracy did it for 40 years

(L) You just talk to people & smoke? All day?

(D) Yep, & of course connect folks to other folks, but that’s kinda secondary

(L) Sounds perfect

(D)Yep

(L) Well Hey! Now that I’ve got my life figured out, thanks to you, you wanna run over to the feed mill with me to get some sunflower seeds

(D) What do you need sunflower seeds for?

(L) The Cardinals, they love ’em

(D) You feed Cardinals?

(L) Yeah, don’t you?

(D) No. Yeah. Well, I put out bird seed for all the birds, not just Cardinals – don’t you think the other birds would like to be fed?

(L) Sure, but my neighbor Jimmy puts out all the other seed so the other birds go to his yard for that and the Cardinals come to my yard for the sunflower seeds

(D) Oh; what about squirrels, don’t they come and eat the sunflower seeds?

(L) I’m sure they do but only when I’m not in the yard

(D) How much time do you spend in your yard

(L) I don’t know, probably 10-15 hours a day

(D) What?

(L) 10-15 hours a day

(D) ummmmm. why?

(L) So the Cardinals don’t have to fight with the squirrels for the seeds

(D) ohh, ok; sounds like a full-time job

(L) definitely is

(D) so when would you have time to work as an telephone operator

(L) I wouldn’t

(D) so why did you say it was perfect and that your life was figured out

(L) I think I was just excited and forgot about the squirrels bothering the Cardinals

(D) oh

05/04/2025