Kenneth • Have you no shame, man?
Kal • Nope, none, no need for it.
Ken • You’re pissing in my yard, on my gladioli, at 3 o’clock in the morning.
Kal • Yep.
Ken • What do you mean, ‘Yep’.
Kal • I mean yep, I’m pissin in your yard – would you rather I pissed on your porch?
Ken • Are you drunk?
Kal • Yep.
Ken • Oh my god, what is wrong with you?
Kal • Well, whether it’s technically wrong I can’t say but I drink too much beer a lot of times, which makes a guy have to piss a lot: I’m manic depressive with a healthy side of anxiety- I got real bad ADHD, so bad my ADHD has ADHD; my septum got deviated when I was a younger fella so I’ve had snoring issues exacerbated by seasonal allergies & beer – the hoppy beers really do a number on my sinuses; I’ve had acid reflux since I could crawl, also exacerbated by alcohol & cigarettes & caffeine & sugar but I’ll get a case of it from drinking water; my stress levels are considered unhealthy, like standing down wind from a forest fire just breathing it in; I get Costochondritis pretty regular & randomly experience episodes of back spasms that register 70 on a scale of 1-10 – my whole body locks up, like early onset rigor mortis- lungs can’t even let air in or out, feels a lot like being stabbed 1,000 x a second & it’ll last 5, 10, 20 seconds, normally, might happen 4,5,6 times in a couple minute period, then go into hiding for 5-6 hours before popping out again; this can go on for a day or 2 & as long as a week, & the only medication that’s ever really helped is considered too dangerous cuz it can cause addiction issues but hell, I’ll take addiction over that shit any day;
Ken • Jesus, how are you even alive… you are alive, aren’t you?
Kal • far as I know I am but I haven’t asked anyone recently, you might be onto something. Anyway, I haven’t had a good nights’ sleep since before the Donald’s decision to reignite the Confederacy’s drive to “do it again”.
Ken • Sorry, the Donald? the Confederacy?
Kal • Yeah, not the Duck, and not the Dunces – well, I guess the Dunces are implicated in recent events, and I’ve got the flattest feet in Maryland, according to my old podiatrist, he used to play with Jesus when they were kids, so I moved to Minnesota & stopped visiting podiatrists, still got flat feet but I don’t talk about it now; I’ve got a mitral valve prolapse condition which keeps my resting heart rate fairly elevated & my elevated heart rate at Mach 1; I spend too much time worrying about what other people think, though far less than I did 10 years ago, my bucket-o-fucks-to-give is empty, ran out last October; I empathize a great deal, like way more than what’s considered healthy by professional empaths – which makes people wonder how such a thing is possible for someone who’s all out of fucks-to-give, it seems contradictory at best and generally an impossibility if existing on the same plane, but it’s not impossible, not even difficult anymore, they’ve learned how to coexist within the anterior cingulate cortex – I credit cats with teaching me how to navigate that series of complex conditional responses, I lost my sense of direction once and ended up in Florida, won’t make that mistake again
Ken • What’s wrong with Florida?
Kal • Wish I knew cuz I’d try and help’em fix it, might just be karma for how they treat the manatees
Ken • Manatees? What’ve they got to do with it?
Kal • Boaters keep hitting ‘em, and climate change, pollution, stress, it’s making it harder for them to survive, Florida’s the culprit, not “Florida Man”, mind you, Florida, the whole State
Ken • Oh, I see, well, maybe the manatees could be placed in a safe location where there are no boats
Kal • Yeah, sure, maybe, and monkeys might fly out of my butt
Ken • Oh, yes, I suppose it would be difficult to herd manatees
Kal • yeah, manatee herding is no longer taught in the public schools, one more reason to privatize education
Ken • Wait, what about the cat herders, couldn’t they do it?
Kal • If they weren’t all retired, I suppose they could, but the youngest one just turned 75, they’re all living in Japan, running cat cafés, interesting dudes
Ken • I’ll say, I didn’t realize cat’s went out to eat
Kal • Oh sure, they love it, crab cocktail with fresh nip, claw-n-eat shrimp, Salmon sake pâté shooters, raw tuna terrine in lobster butter broth, it’s basically fine dining for cats
Ken • My, that sounds delicious, now I’m hungry, would you care to join me for an early breakfast? Eggs Royale and champagne sounds good – how about it?
Kal • I could eat – just let me finish pissin’
