Diamond Lake Creative

Category: Short Stories

creative writing, fictional short stories

Things That May Have Happened in Ladysmith, Wisconsin, & If So,How They’d Be Reported in The Police Blotter

Caller stated strange noises coming from neighbors house; Officer dispatched to scene; Neighbors having a party, did not inform nor invite caller

Cracked CD found on County Rd. M.; Tiffany – Greatest Hits; The owner has not come forward

IGA parking lot scene of crime spree; 3 youth apprehended in Corbett Lake after dabbing fox urine on passenger seats of 9 vehicles; Charges pending; – 9 vehicles for sale at discounted price

Local boy drives into river; Mother sees it happen, calls father, then the Sheriff; Father yells at boy while Sheriff fishes him out of the car

Alley rat not actual rat; Stanley C. reported a rat in the alley behind his home; Stanley’s wife,Elsie, later called and confirmed the animal was a smallish dog with diamond crusted collar; Diamonds were apparently not real

Tings Bar called to report drunk man playing pool in his underwear; Man refused to put on pants, claimed he was hot; Several patrons got hold of the man and placed him in the bar’s ice-bin and then plugged the jukebox full of quarters and played Foreigner’s Cold As Ice repeatedly until bar close

Report of goose feces around Corbett Lake confirmed by Deputy – According to citizens in the area this is probably normal goose activity

Glen Flora Man shoots tree in self-defense; told Sheriff that the tree dropped limbs on him on purpose & 1 limb nearly broke his leg;
The tree was examined and cleared for continued growth

Sheriff’s deputies dispatched to OJ Falge Park after report of several kids dancing on a picnic table; Kids stated they were practicing for the talent show; Deputy unaware of any upcoming talent shows told kids to practice on the ground.

High School lunch staff reported theft of 10 gallons of ranch dressing; They were set to launch a new lunch menu focused on serving healthier options with more crunch appeal! Carrots with ranch & multigrain tortilla chips served with low-fat turkey con queso (melted cheese combined with milk & butter) should be very popular, said Principal Lee. The department has no leads and is asking for the public’s help in tracking down the ranch. No reward offered, yet.

Deputy questioned after citizen filed complaint stating responding deputy was humming the Shania Twain song, Any Man of Mine, while investigating the scene of an overturned Wal-Mart truck and trailer. The semi was on it’s way to the Ladysmith Wal-Mart, East-bound (and down) on Hwy. 8 – and in addition to many other goods, Shania Twain’s greatest hits CD’s were strewn about the roadway. The Deputy said he just likes that song.

Glen Flora bingo game stopped by 6 raccoons looking for a snack. Betty and Erma said they recognized the critters as ones that come by their houses most nights but due to the bingo game going long, the raccoons made their way over to the church and let themselves in. They were given egg salad on rye and pancakes with syrup and were on their way.

Report of raccoon grazing on raspberries alongside County Rd P.

Intoxicated individual drove truck into cornfield so as not to receive DWI for driving while on the roadway. Farmer reports truck belongs to him and the driver was his son-in-law. Farmer stated son-in-law from Iowa and believes that to be a common practice down there

Ex wife damages spruce trees while backing loaded trailer out of drive. Ex husband reports that he offered to back the trailer but she refused because she didn’t need his help anymore.

Report of a wild alligator found swimming in Parker’s Pond. Law enforcement showed up with nets and traps but did not find any alligator. Large wet sheep dog seen running across the field as officers drove away

Road hazard reported in Jump River by man wearing Waylon Jennings for President hat. When responding officer arrived he found the man singing Pancho and Lefty while sitting on his hood and staring at a large pothole. Officer advised the singer to drive around the pothole.

911 call received Tuesday night, Michael Jackson’s Billie Jean playing very loud and no one responding to Dispatcher’s questions; after song finished caller told Dispatch they wanted to share that song with the world because it made them feel so good: Dispatch thanked the caller for their thoughtful gesture and assured them it would be mentioned in the police blotter

Anonymous caller reported 46 vehicles drove by his house; dispatch asked if the cars were doing anything wrong, caller responded that they appeared to be driving the speed limit and that seemed kinda fishy

16/08/2025
They Ask Me Why I Drink & Then They Tell Me What They Think

Kenneth • Have you no shame, man?

Kal • Nope, none, no need for it.

Ken • You’re pissing in my yard, on my gladioli, at 3 o’clock in the morning.

Kal • Yep.

Ken • What do you mean, ‘Yep’.

Kal • I mean yep, I’m pissin in your yard – would you rather I pissed on your porch?

Ken • Are you drunk?

Kal • Yep.

Ken • Oh my god, what is wrong with you?

Kal • Well, whether it’s technically wrong I can’t say but I drink too much beer a lot of times, which makes a guy have to piss a lot: I’m manic depressive with a healthy side of anxiety- I got real bad ADHD, so bad my ADHD has ADHD; my septum got deviated when I was a younger fella so I’ve had snoring issues exacerbated by seasonal allergies & beer – the hoppy beers really do a number on my sinuses; I’ve had acid reflux since I could crawl, also exacerbated by alcohol & cigarettes & caffeine & sugar but I’ll get a case of it from drinking water; my stress levels are considered unhealthy, like standing down wind from a forest fire just breathing it in; I get Costochondritis pretty regular & randomly experience episodes of back spasms that register 70 on a scale of 1-10 – my whole body locks up, like early onset rigor mortis- lungs can’t even let air in or out, feels a lot like being stabbed 1,000 x a second & it’ll last 5, 10, 20 seconds, normally, might happen 4,5,6 times in a couple minute period, then go into hiding for 5-6 hours before popping out again; this can go on for a day or 2 & as long as a week, & the only medication that’s ever really helped is considered too dangerous cuz it can cause addiction issues but hell, I’ll take addiction over that shit any day;

Ken • Jesus, how are you even alive… you are alive, aren’t you?

Kal • far as I know I am but I haven’t asked anyone recently, you might be onto something. Anyway, I haven’t had a good nights’ sleep since before the Donald’s decision to reignite the Confederacy’s drive to “do it again”.

Ken • Sorry, the Donald? the Confederacy?

Kal • Yeah, not the Duck, and not the Dunces – well, I guess the Dunces are implicated in recent events, and I’ve got the flattest feet in Maryland, according to my old podiatrist, he used to play with Jesus when they were kids, so I moved to Minnesota & stopped visiting podiatrists, still got flat feet but I don’t talk about it now; I’ve got a mitral valve prolapse condition which keeps my resting heart rate fairly elevated & my elevated heart rate at Mach 1; I spend too much time worrying about what other people think, though far less than I did 10 years ago, my bucket-o-fucks-to-give is empty, ran out last October; I empathize a great deal, like way more than what’s considered healthy by professional empaths – which makes people wonder how such a thing is possible for someone who’s all out of fucks-to-give, it seems contradictory at best and generally an impossibility if existing on the same plane, but it’s not impossible, not even difficult anymore, they’ve learned how to coexist within the anterior cingulate cortex – I credit cats with teaching me how to navigate that series of complex conditional responses, I lost my sense of direction once and ended up in Florida, won’t make that mistake again

Ken • What’s wrong with Florida?

Kal • Wish I knew cuz I’d try and help’em fix it, might just be karma for how they treat the manatees

Ken • Manatees? What’ve they got to do with it?

Kal • Boaters keep hitting ‘em, and climate change, pollution, stress, it’s making it harder for them to survive, Florida’s the culprit, not “Florida Man”, mind you, Florida, the whole State

Ken • Oh, I see, well, maybe the manatees could be placed in a safe location where there are no boats

Kal • Yeah, sure, maybe, and monkeys might fly out of my butt

Ken • Oh, yes, I suppose it would be difficult to herd manatees

Kal • yeah, manatee herding is no longer taught in the public schools, one more reason to privatize education

Ken • Wait, what about the cat herders, couldn’t they do it?

Kal • If they weren’t all retired, I suppose they could, but the youngest one just turned 75, they’re all living in Japan, running cat cafés, interesting dudes

Ken • I’ll say, I didn’t realize cat’s went out to eat

Kal • Oh sure, they love it, crab cocktail with fresh nip, claw-n-eat shrimp, Salmon sake pâté shooters, raw tuna terrine in lobster butter broth, it’s basically fine dining for cats

Ken • My, that sounds delicious, now I’m hungry, would you care to join me for an early breakfast? Eggs Royale and champagne sounds good – how about it?

Kal • I could eat – just let me finish pissin’

31/07/2025
Jesus Cuts My Hair: And Other Stories From Jesus’ Barbering Days in Palestine

Hair Like Jesus was the name of the original barbershop in Nazareth. It took a while for business to pick-up because most people didn’t find hair styling/cutting to be a worthwhile expenditure. Eventually, maybe a decade before Jesus’ untimely death, the Caesar cut began to make waves throughout the Roman Empire. And while Tiberius didn’t wear this hair style, many of his adjutants and numerous Roman celebrities did. This was the period when the first t-shirts were printed with the JSMH & JCMH labels (Jesus Styles My Hair & Jesus Cuts My Hair). There were also hair-cutting disciples who would set-up pop-up barber stations throughout Judea, Samaria, & Galilee; many of them would hang a sign that read “Cutting Hair For Jesus”. This proved to be the zenith for Jesus’ popularity in the Roman Empire.

Jesus was not the only person to join the new profession. There were a number of high-profile individuals who took up the trade, to include the Holy Spirit. Most of these endeavors were short-(o)lived but there were two who pushed Jesus to constantly up his game. Peter, the disgruntled former trainer and assistant general manager for Pontius Pilate (at Pilate’s Pilates Provisions) cut a mean high and tight and was also very skilled at making curls work with, rather than against, the client’s facial attributes. Whereas the Holy Spirit used techniques that highlighted their spatial-awareness of skulls skill set while creating subtle differences between the stylings and hems of them and Jesus.

There are hundreds of wonderful parables, fables, and historically semi-accurate/articulate stories that give us a closer look at what the hair cutting industry was like during Jesus 1st run on earth. I’ve compiled a short list of some of my favorites, below. Most of these are available online from www.wwjr.bib; or if traveling, you can find brick & mortar sites of What Would Jesus Read: A Genesis of RevelationZ – Book Store, Snack Bar, & Spirits – in New York City, Los Angeles, New Orleans, Chicago, & Baltimore.
Aside from the cutting and styling copycats, a number of professions emerged from the hair biz. Landscape design outfits and nail salons would spring forth seemingly overnight in neighborhood strip malls from Byzantium (Istanbul) to Yathrib (Madinah). Other, more esoteric ventures, e.g. exercise emporiums and makeover takeover palaces, had their 15 minutes of fame before fading away – like Tim Scott post inauguration. I’ve included several of these enterprises after the story section. In all, this period of early business history was less important for what it accomplished than for what it revealed; human nature’s desire for a more pleasing aesthetic goes back millennia. Be it a cut & color, a freshly groomed guinea pig or a well manicured fig tree, we prefer that which is easy on the eyes.

1/2 Truths, Tales, & Unchronicled Notes from the final decade of Christ in Palestine
————————————————–
Hairy Stories from Jesus’ Barbershop:
•The Truth Behind The Long-Haired Hippie Style of Rōmmies & Why Caesars wore the Caesar cut
•The Hair Sweepers of Ancient Samaria
•Hair Stylist School as Post-Water-Gathering option: Aveda before it was Aveda
•That one time Jesus shaved, #2 – 2nd 2 None, into The Holy Spirit’s head
•Jesus’ use of mechanical shears before electricity
•Jesus Dyed my hair, but he didn’t die for my hair
•Jesus cut Delilahs hair before she cut Sampson’s hair
•Jesus fucked up the money changers because they didn’t tip him after getting their hair cut
•Mary & Joseph got free haircuts when Jesus achieved the title of Master Hair Stylist – but they still payed for the color tints
•Thomas doubted Jesus could give him a feathered look – & Jesus wept. But then, Thomas let Jesus cut his hair & he doubted nevermore, or at least until the YOLO controversy

•Before the Last Supper, Jesus offered all of his disciples a free haircut; they all took him up on the offer excepting Philip, he had recently gotten his hair styled by Mary Magdalene – she was secretly supporting Philip’s fashion designer dreams in exchange for his company
•Jesus first job cutting hair was in a salon called Capillus Secare
•Jesus once gave me a coupon for 10% off my next visit – good for the purchase of product or haircut; I used the coupon for the shearing of my sheep 🙂 Jesus wept.
•Jesus barbershop was the most popular in Palestine because it offered complementary wine & unleavened leavened flatbread
•The Holy Spirit, Jesus’ right hand spirit, extended special discounted laundry services if you were getting a cut & color
•God The Spirit is sort of like Vodka – both spiritual, both worshipped/revered, & both enjoyed with orange juice on Sunday mornings

•Jesus favorite thing to tell customers was “Healthy Hair is Happy Hair”
Gaius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, a.k.a.Caligula/Gaius, often heard this when, as a child, he accompanied his father on hair-cutting errands. As Gaius lost his hair, he came to despise the saying and, by extension, Jesus and all of his long-haired customers/followers. However, after the crucifixion, Caligula had a change of heart. His appreciation for the work done by Jesus and Christ’s love for all people (well, all people who weren’t uber-wealthy assholes) touched Gaius in a way he wasn’t accustomed to. He spent his years as Emperor advocating for a complete expungement of Jesus’ criminal record, while eradicating the MAGAesque Senators who were prone to outlandish conspiracy theories and regularly quoted Diogenes of Sinope. Caligula, like all Caesars, was a complex fellow.

Things the Bible never told you:
•Jesus uses the iPhone, in his 2nd act, to contact non-believers, it shows up as JSPAM, which many Midwesterners assume is Jalapeno SPAM and so they don’t answer
•Jesus wasn’t a baker by trade, his unleavened flatbreads ended up airy & delightful (leavened with no leavening agent and seasoned perfectly every time), not what local foodies expected nor desired. Local chefs heckled him but Martha & Mary of Bethany would eat 8-10 of these earliest taboon breads each week. And Judas Iscariot set up a stall next to the barbershop & began selling the bread (and giving it away to the poor and oppressed, as instructed by Jesus). The stall never sold out; Jesus used his multiplication of loaves trick to keep bread stocked 24/7.
•Jesus trimmed trees, & hair, & livestock by appointment. He didn’t allow animals larger than a standard ram or ewe in the shop but he had 6 stanchions out back and could accommodate additional animals at his home in Nazareth
•Jesus, Mary, & Joseph Cabinetry & Contracting Services LLC (JMJCCS) was a short lived business venture due to customers’ complaints of Jesus’ constant preaching to them about the importance of not wearing garments that contained both wool and linen
•Luke’s Landscape Designs (L.L.D.) was so successful that it still exists today – you know it better as Lowe’s
•Mathew’s Mani-Pedi Mart (MMPM) doubled as a social club for Mani-Pedi Men (MPM). Mani-Pedi Men were known throughout the Roman Empire for their fabulous shows performing song and dance. Dressed in robes of silk adorned with red diamonds and rubies and and green onyx and emeralds (now you know where the Christmas color palette originated) their shows drew crowds similar to what one saw in the most popular coliseum events
•Mark’s Makeover Palace (MMP) was the first licensed clinic, in the world, to provide gender affirming care. Mark’s oldest sibling, Joanna, was his first client and the reason he decided to open the clinic. In addition to hormone replacement therapy and puberty blockers, the clinic offered voice therapy, social service navigation, and mental health professionals available day and night
•John’s House of Jellos, Jaffa Oranges, & Jams (JHJJOJ) turned every meal into a celebration. With the addition of citrus jellies, pâtés, teas, condiments, sauces, relishes and more, the days of bland falafel sandwiches and disappointing dolma were over. John passed away, unexpectedly, eaten by a destruction of caracal. Nevertheless, his ideas for fruit as primary subject, rather than side or accompaniment is carried on at Frog Hollow Farm.
•Saul’s Balls: Party Planning Services for Galas, Soirées, Receptions, Reunions, Balls, and social gatherings of all types went the way of the Dodo long before the Dodo was killed off. Saul was caught hand-laundering money and was convicted for financially supporting the up and coming Zhou Dynasty (China) in exchange for the secret Zhou method of making 27 layer jello
•King David’s Royal Dry-Sand-Cleaning, Sword Sharpening, Robe Repair, & Artisanal Hummus Bowls shops were the primary economic driver of Judah’s amazing quarter century of 7%+ annual growth rate. After King David’s death, King Solomon attempted to stay the course, economically, but due to the grass pollens and ragweed allergen plagues, Judah’s growth rate never topped 4.3%.
•Sampson & Delilah’s Salon & Extreme Xercise Emporium (S&D’sSEXE) almost made it to America. They had a SEXE Club in London, when the Puritans made their first trip to the “new world”. The Puritans needed more money to secure a 2nd boat and S&D had the funds. They agreed to chip-in for the boat in exchange for a ride for the 3 owners, 5 employees and 14 pieces of club equipment. Less than 50 miles out of London, the S&D folk were thrown overboard. The equipment was spared and was stored in a pole shed just north of Salem. 100 years later a proper building was constructed and the club was once again active with a few minor changes – including the name – most call it The Y.
•Archangel Allen’s Art Supplies & Aphrodisiacs was very popular with the Groths, a group of younger people who wore earth tones, primarily brown and green. Unfortunately, Allen succumbed to the allure of great riches and repute. The last time anyone saw him he was riding away on a pale green horse.

17/04/2025
You Don’t Look Like a Smoker: Conversations You May Have Overheard in 1988

Dahlia (D): You don’t look like a smoker

Leo (L): What does a smoker look like

(D) You know, not like you

(L) Oh, yeah, I think I know, taller and wearing a tighter t-shirt

(D) Yeah, something like that

(L) Hmmm – I suppose I could buy some platform shoes and smaller t-shirts

(D) Why?

(L) So I would look like a smoker

(D) Why would you want to look like a smoker?

(L) So people wouldn’t tell me I don’t look like a smoker

(D) Oh

(L) –

(D) –

(L) –

(D) But why not just quit?

(L) Quit what?

(D) Smoking

(L) Why?

(D) So people wouldn’t keep telling you you don’t look like a smoker

(L) Oh – well, I’m not a quitter

(D) What?

(L) I’m not a quitter

(D) What’s that supposed to mean

(L) It means I don’t just quit when something becomes difficult

(D) Why?

(L) Because that’s weak! Winners never quit and quitters never win.

(D) Oh, I didn’t know.

(L) Yeah, I figured

(D) So what color t-shirts you gonna get?

(L) When?

(D) Whenever you go shopping for smaller shirts?

(L) Why would I buy smaller shirts?

(D) So people won’t tell you you don’t look like a smoker

(L) But I am a smoker

(D) I know, but people tell you you don’t look like a smoker

(L) Yeah?

(D) So if you get smaller t-shirts, and some boots to make you taller, people will stop assuming you don’t smoke

(L) Yeah, I guess you have a point, but maybe I should just go to the gym and get swoll so I don’t need to spend money on new shirts and shoes

(D) What exercise makes you taller?

(L) What? None, what do you mean?

(D) You said you could go to the gym instead of buying smaller shirts and taller boots

(L) No, not taller, thicker, bigger chest and biceps and abs – so I’ll look taller without buying new shoes

(D) How will bigger arms and a broader chest make you look taller?

(L) You know, because people will be looking at my guns and pecs and then they’ll raise their eyes to see my face and they’ll think I’m taller than I am

(D) What? Why?

(L) Because they perceive people with big muscles as taller

(D) Who does?

(L) People

(D) What people?

(L) Like, everyone; don’t you?

(D) No

(L) Why?

(D) Because people who are more muscular look more muscular but their height doesn’t appear different to me.

L) That’s weird

(D) Why?

(L) Because if you’re looking at someone’s muscles, below the neck, and then you have to move your eyes up to get to their face, they appear taller

(D) No they don’t

(L) Yes they do

(D) Whatever, so you’re going to the gym instead of buying new clothes?

(L) I don’t know, Maybe I’ll do both

(D) Wait, if you go to the gym and workout and have bigger muscles, you won’t need the new clothes and if you get the new smaller clothes, you won’t need to go to the gym

(L) Maybe I want new clothes and bigger muscles

(D) Oh, well then I guess that would make sense

L) Yeah, but I’ll have to see about getting a job so I have money cuz gym memberships are spendy and new clothes ain’t cheap

(D) You don’t have a job?

(L) No

(D) What do you do all day?

(L) Stuff

(D) Like what?

(L) Smoke cigarettes & talk to people

(D) There’s your job, you should work as a telephone operator – they smoke & talk all day

(L) Really

(D) Yeah, my aunt Tracy did it for 40 years

(L) You just talk to people & smoke? All day?

(D) Yep, & of course connect folks to other folks, but that’s kinda secondary

(L) Sounds perfect

(D)Yep

(L) Well Hey! Now that I’ve got my life figured out, thanks to you, you wanna run over to the feed mill with me to get some sunflower seeds

(D) What do you need sunflower seeds for?

(L) The Cardinals, they love ’em

(D) You feed Cardinals?

(L) Yeah, don’t you?

(D) No. Yeah. Well, I put out bird seed for all the birds, not just Cardinals – don’t you think the other birds would like to be fed?

(L) Sure, but my neighbor Jimmy puts out all the other seed so the other birds go to his yard for that and the Cardinals come to my yard for the sunflower seeds

(D) Oh; what about squirrels, don’t they come and eat the sunflower seeds?

(L) I’m sure they do but only when I’m not in the yard

(D) How much time do you spend in your yard

(L) I don’t know, probably 10-15 hours a day

(D) What?

(L) 10-15 hours a day

(D) ummmmm. why?

(L) So the Cardinals don’t have to fight with the squirrels for the seeds

(D) ohh, ok; sounds like a full-time job

(L) definitely is

(D) so when would you have time to work as an telephone operator

(L) I wouldn’t

(D) so why did you say it was perfect and that your life was figured out

(L) I think I was just excited and forgot about the squirrels bothering the Cardinals

(D) oh

05/04/2025
This is Why I Drink, with Myself

Red: Do you drink alone

Waverly: Of course not, good God, what do you take me for, some sort of miscreant? I drink with MySelf

R* YourSelf?

W* No, MySelf; I find most others tend to inquire about things which I’ve no interest in discussing

R* So you talk with yourself?

W* No, I’m not crazy, I talk with MySelf

R* I don’t follow, how do you mean, MySelf but not – YourSelf?

W* MySelf, Me, I, you know; Yourself, You, her/she; See?

R* Yes, but no, not really. What’s the difference between MySelf & YourSelf, theoretically speaking?

W* MySelf is the person I am, it’s me, not the person that you or anyone else perceive – what/who I know, intrinsically. YourSelf, or You, is that person that others see or create or reify to fit their perceptions of the being they are interacting with.

R* But why do you feel the need to differentiate based on the reality in your self and the perception of others?

W* I don’t, it’s just the way it is, I didn’t make the rules.

R* I’m sorry, you didn’t make the rules?

W* Well No, I’ve no say in the matter, it’s just the way it is, was, will be.

R* I’ve never heard anyone make this argument before so…

W* that’s because it’s not an argument, it’s a basic principle of existence.

R* Since when?

W* Since the Universes.

R* The Universes? But what does 100 billion years of space have to do with perceptions and realities?

W* Nothing.

R* Then why did you say it’s a principle existence of time eternal?

W* Because it is. Just because the universe doesn’t take credit for a principle doesn’t mean it hasn’t always been. You have to believe that certain things ARE, simply because they ARE, not because you can explain or define or deconstruct them. If that were the case, we’d have died off before the first Pithecus walked upright.

R* Why

W* Life doesn’t have time for that sort of interrogation when trying to survive. The question of perception, as it is and as it’s perceived, constructed, reconstructed, retooled, disembowled, reconfigured, reimagined, is a question that spans more millennia than recorded history has recorded. Perception, as a general construct, seems quite simple, yes? And therefore people think of it as a very cut & dried subject, concrete, static, when in fact it’s one of those ideas that plays out in a variety of ways, maybe a 1000 or 10,000, in one mind, and in 10 minds, interacting with one another, giving every variant thought hundreds of new, additional thoughts, and on and on. This is why A.I. will never capture the essence of creativity. Not human creativity, not animal creativity, plant, rock, soil, water, air, nothing, it’s too stupid to consider the nuance of the way one person’s perception colors another’s & it most certainly won’t ever go through any of the life experiences that we have, or that river’s have, or anything else.

R* OK, this is heavy, I didn’t think my initial question would result in my brain hurting.

W* Well, that’s part of the deal, we ask questions without knowing answers, or maybe thinking we know the answers, and sometimes we’re unsurprised and sometimes we’re dumbfounded by what we hear. There’s no reason to feel inept or unable, life is hard, and stupid, and ridiculous, and full of both the circuitous and the non-linear that proves to be linear long after the fact. Though linear isn’t even a term that we can ascribe a particular definition to as we need look no further than latitude and longitude and the process of delineating seemingly curved straight lines that have no beginning and no end, and are based on the make-up of the earth as it was several hundred years ago, and the trajectory it follows, which changes, and therefore changes the make-up of the orb as it is at any given point, and over time changes the degree to which earth’s land masses and atmospheres are affected by the forces of gravity and radiation and pressure and volcanic activity and tectonic shifts and then with the poles shifting, slightly, and constantly, possibly causing further disruptions in the continuum that we rely on for our alarm clocks, altering the very definition of what we think of as fixed and therefore throwing all previous knowledge relating to everything in recorded history out the proverbial window.

R* So you’re saying that if you drink with myself then you’re drinking alone

W* fer fuck’s sake, how in the fuck would I drink w/ yourself, don’t you mean you, drink with you

R* you said that yourself was not the same as myself – so then wouldn’t I refer to yourself as myself if referencing something that you’re engaged in?

W* No, that’s non-sensical

R* I don’t get it. Myself & yourself don’t mean the same when speaking about yourself but when speaking about someone else they do mean the same?

W* myself & yourself never mean the same thing, regardless of who’s using them

R* can we start over?

W* This is why I drink… with MySelf

01/04/2025
Arctic Ocean’s Torpical Region & The Rat Islands

The Rat Islands – pictured at 11,000 ft – are not known for their posh lodging nor their 4 star bistros, they don’t have high speed rail or a 5G network, & as of 1 January 2025, they still have no indoor plumbing. This is bc they don’t have any permanent human residents. The only people to step foot on the islands, since the late 1970s, are a small group of dedicated farmhands that make an annual pilgrimage from 3 counties in Northern Wisconsin, 5 counties in Northern Minnesota & 1 county in Upper North Dakota’s Eastern High Prairie. In any given year, the group ranges from 35 – 140. They don’t come for the invigorating salt bath in waters that regularly dip into the single digits Fahrenheit; and they don’t come for the Frozen Yoga retreat w/ Elephant seals (not recommended). No, these agrarian guests come for 1 reason, harvest. And what, you may ask, would they be harvesting on islands in the middle of the Bering Sea? Torpical fruit. No, not a typo. Not tropical, that’s in the tropics. Torpical, in the torpics – a microclimate that benefits from both the heat of large magma pools bubbling less than 100 meters below the rocky earth & the warm South Pacific trade-winds that maintain an ambient temperature of 82.6° F & a relative humidity of +/- 87%. The specific path of these winds, which originate just northeast of Tonga & break away from the South Pacific Gyre 15 km East of Bora Bora, provides the basis for the stable conditions. The winds hop back & forth between current & countercurrent airstreams, which explains the reserve of potential energy (it can be greater than 275 trillion joules in an average stream) the wind’s accumulate over the course of the journey – anywhere from 3-6 weeks (depending on the saturation levels of algae blooms between Palau & Kamaishi, Japan), and provide both the moisture & warmth required for the cultivation of torpical fruit. The Pickers of Torpical American Fruits Society (POTAFS – not to be confused w/ BOTRFO – the Russian counterpart) spend most of the 72 hour picking window on the Southeast Coast of Amchitka Island where the Pongo & Papple fruits are the most abundant. Once every 20 years, an unexplained phenomenon occurs. The tilt of the earth increases from 23.5° to 23.508°, for exactly 12 hours. This additional tilt affects the islands by producing just enough added heat to cause the seven Jacknut trees to flower over the next 24-36 hours. The flowers that are able to fully mature in this extremely short gestation window will bear fruit in 2-3 years time, depending on the severity of the dark season (cloudless nights can dip into the 40’s for several hours). When mature, these Jacknut fruits weigh more than 250 lbs, on average, and measure between 4 – 6 feet long and 2 -4 feet in diameter. The meat of these fruits is extremely nutritious and contains more than 30 vitamins and minerals in varying quantities as well as an abundance of amino acids and antioxidants. In years when these trees bore fruit, the seal, walrus, and rat populations boomed. There are reports from the 1870s and 1930s providing documentation of rats doubling in size from the previous year’s data and pinnipeds developing larger fins and more streamlined torsos – providing for much greater success when hunting for food. The pickers, always an astute bunch (as farm hands usually are), noticed the correlation between the Jacknut fruit ripening and the explosion of native mammal population numbers and attributes and decided to bring some Jacknuts back to their home states. That first Jacknut haul, in 1895, was a boon to the locals who got their hands on it. Lumberjacks in Minnesota and Wisconsin started felling trees at a rate three and a half times faster than before eating the fruit. And in North Dakota, recent transplants from back East, particularly the Germans and Norwegians, found they were able to clear an acre of woods and get the land ready for crops in just weeks whereas prior to this revolutionary discovery they would have spent six months in the process. Starting in the mid 1950s, pickers noticed a slight change in both the mammal populations and the volume of the average Jacknut fruit. Not knowing the cause of the abnormality they assumed it was weather related. The following harvest, the mid ’70s, saw a further decline in the species expected numbers as well as fruit volume and quality. By the mid ’90’s harvest, 5 of the 7 Jacknut fruit trees were dead and the remaining 2 had not produced any fruit. This was documented by the pickers, all 113 of them. They provided written documentation and many took pictures. Upon completion of harvest they collected several branches from each of the five dead trees and took a small sample of bark from the other two. Once back home, they sent the specimens to a pomology & food-science lab in Cincinnati Ohio. The researchers found 2 types of organic polymers that were increasingly common in certain synthetic materials (plastics). That didn’t come as a surprise but what did was the discovery of significant amounts of gamma radiation in the wood. Measurements between 1.77 – 2.13 gray were recorded in the dead limbs and the bark was found to have levels between .025 – .096. This discovery led to further testing of additional organic materials from the main island, Amchitka, and the 5 closest islands. They also tested several older Harbor Seals and 12 senior Walruses. In each specimen, a minimum of .013 gray units was found; and the oldest of all the mammals, a Walrus named Kurt, recorded .027. These animals had been living radioactive lives and didn’t seem to be out of the norm (aside from a 3rd eye here and there or an extra flipper extending from the back loin). Without going into the whole long story, additional research posits a theory that nuclear testing in the South Pacific, starting in 1946, was responsible for the 1950s subpar Jacknut crop. They believe gamma rays floated on the trade winds, spilling out here and there with an unusually high concentration being left in the area of the Rat Islands. Then, in the 1970s, the underground nuclear testing on Amchitka would have likely caused the death of the 5 Jacknut trees. How the other 2 survived nobody knows, except maybe the rats.

Several local legends benefitted from the Jacknut fruit phenomenon. And whether their careers would have turned out vastly different without this superfood no one can say for sure; but when considering the odds of stardom in any given field, it’s a safe bet that these individuals were beneficiaries of the secret power of Jacknuts. From Minnesota, Judy Garland (Grand Rapids) and Roger Maris and Bob Dylan (Hibbing) had extended family that worked on the Rat Islands. And from Wisconsin, Bud Grant’s Aunt Marge picked fruit up there for 37 years, a real trooper. North Dakota’s most famous Jacknut-touched person was Sven Olefson, who’s dad, Ole Svenfson, made the trip 3 times. Sven won the 1923 Pembina Red River Frozen Kayak race – the first, last, and only time that race was run. And while Sven went on to do great things with his life, his gravestone reads: “Here lies Sven Olefson,1903-1993, Champion of the 1923 Pembina Red River Frozen Kayak race, Loving Father & Husband, and pretty good at horseshoes” – with a post-script added about 10 years later “ski-jumped at 1924 olympics after losing bet with Thor – unofficial distance 293 meters”. You can bet the Jacknut fruit is to thank for that feat.

26/03/2025
Volantes Pisces Montis

We were about 100’ above the jagged & craggy mountain tops, just South of Patagonia’s southernmost region,Tierra del Fuego- in the Los Dientes de Navarino mountains,- when we spotted what is believed to be the last Volantes Pisces Montis (aka Flying Mountain Fish or Francisco’s Ballena Bebe – named after Argentinian explorer Francisco Moreno). The fish, likely a close relative of todays flying fish, when full grown is the size of an adult African elephant & could stay aloft for 15 minutes before needing to return to the ocean for oxygen & the salt that kept its fin skin from drying out while in flight. If you look just north of the photo’s center, you’ll see a shadow – I’m 99% certain that’s our Flying Mountain Fish. What an awesome creature!

20/03/2025
Cat Life

(Grace) I’m hungry

(Sebastián) Me to

(G) Should we make something?

(S) No, we shouldn’t make something – you should make something

(G) Because you can’t even boil water without burning your eyebrows?

(S) No, because I have to feed my cat before he freaks out

(G) How long does that take?

(S) Like 30 minutes?

(G) What? Why?

(S) I have to sing Our House but the Sheena Easton version, so using my falsetto, while preparing his meal; and then I have to sit with him while he eats, humming Avett Brothers & Tina Turner songs otherwise he won’t eat anything and then I have to give him ear massages after he’s done eating and sing Tiny Dancer repeatedly until he falls asleep, usually takes about 30 minutes

(G) Ok No, no, no, no, no, no… NO! Not ok, Sebastián, you cannot be that obsequious – especially with your cat.

(S) Why?

(G) Sebastián! He’s a cat – a very handsome, adorable, winsome, spoiled furry little ball of mischief, which is why you are compelled to kowtow to every whim, but no, that’s too much. He can eat without your singing, he just prefers you give him your undivided attention, kind of like me 🙂

(S) What if he doesn’t eat?

(G) Do you really think he’ll just go on a hunger strike until you cave?

(S) Maybe, I mean, I’ve never thought about it

(G) How old was he when you adopted him?

(S) three

(G) Three, and he was alive?

(S) What? Yeah, he was alive

(G) So he must of been eating prior to your kitty boudoir sessions, right?

(S) OK, Grace, it’s not a kitty boudoir and yes, he was eating, but he was on the streets, surviving, there was no one to give him the attention he needed, I could tell he was a sensitive soul when I met him in the park

(G) I’m sure you could, but trust me, he’ll eat whether or not he’s getting the royal treatment

(S) You may be right, but we won’t know today, I’m going to feed him, do you wanna start prepping some veggies for a stir fry? Or just open some wine and wait til I’m done?

(G) I’ll open wine, red or white?

(S) Either’s fine

(G) Have you ever asked Romeo about his life on the streets?

(S)- — —— ummmm, yeaaaaahhhh…

(G) And…

(S) And it was rough, but also exciting

(G) What did he tell you was exciting

(S) He used to go dumpster diving behind a pizza joint and him and his brothers would have to fight off rats the size of chihuahuas to get the best scraps – he doesn’t really look like a bad-ass but he’s got that feral brutality that’s innate in most alley cats

(G) Your grasp of cat has gotten really good, how’s his English coming along?

(S) Really well, he’s a fast learner – last week I was watching a cooking show with a Canadian sushi chef making sushi and ramen and Romeo went right up to the screen and tried to paw the tuna off the table but ignored the salmon.

(G) What does that have to do with his English skills

(S) He was reading the subtitles to figure out which was tuna and which was salmon, that’s how he knew

(G) He was reading subtitles… ummm, ok, 1st, why did you have subtitles on for a cooking show on the Food Network? 2nd, what makes you believe he prefers tuna to salmon? and 3rd, When do you see your therapist next?

(S) I always have subtitles on, it helps me with my Spanish and Romeo is fluent in Spanish; and he likes tuna better, whenever I bring home sushi he’ll eat the tuna but not the salmon – though he does eat the cream cheese from around the salmon on the Philadelphia rolls; and I’m seeing Sean on Thursday, why?

(G) Spanish? You speak Spanish? Since when?

(S) Well, no, I don’t, aside from muchas gracias and por favor, but I’m learning using the subtitles. Like cerveza is beer and tequila is tequila and azul is blue and amarillo is yellow

(G) Wow, I had no idea, that’s pretty incredible, I’ll bet by next year you’ll know more colors and how to say rum, vodka, & whiskey

(S) Yeah, and I’ll learn how to ask questions like How are you, kitty?

(G) Como Estas, gatito?

(S) what?

(G) Como Estas? it means How are you; and gatito is kitty, gato is cat

(S) How do you know that?

(G) I took Spanish all through high school and for three years in college and I worked in a restaurant and 2 of the cooks were from Guatemala, I talked with them a lot when we were slow.

(S) So you’ve been speaking Spanish for like 10 years and you never told me?

(G) You never asked

(S) Have you not noticed my attempts to properly enunciate Spanish words when we’re ordering at Valentina’s Cocina?

(G) Yes, & I’ve never laughed at you, not out loud anyway

(S) never laughed at me? what do you mean? is it that bad?

(G) It’s not good

(S) Fine, I’ll switch to French subtitles, I already know how to count to 10 in French

(G) That probably makes more sense as we may be spending more time in Canada in the coming years

(S) What? Why? Don’t tell me – you’ve been playing hockey since you were 5 and you were on the Juniors National Team for a few years

(G) I started when I was 4, not 5, and was on the Junior Olympics team once – but that’s not why we’d spend time in Canada, though that’s definitely a bonus

(S) So you speak Spanish fluently, you’re like a semi-professional hockey player, and you have perfect teeth – why are you in Wayzata?

(G) I don’t know, I guess I like being close to you

(S) What? Really? Shut-up!

(G) I’m serious, you’re like, my best friend and that’s more important than being somewhere cooler without you

(S) O.M.G. – Grace, like, I know that we’re best friends and that we love each other immensely, & that life is way better when you’re here and not somewhere else but I guess I didn’t think about it like this. I love you for that, for thinking about it in that way, like kind of serious but not all sappy and dumb but like real… and I love you for being you, and I’m going to get a job and move out of my parent’s lake-house and we’re gonna go live somewhere with more whales and dolphins and shaved ice and warm weather

(G) Whoa, slow down, Turbo, I’m all in on the shaved ice and warm weather, and I love whales and dolphins, and you, but you said “more whales and dolphins…”

(S) Well, we don’t have any of those in Lake Minnetonka, at least not that I know of

(G) Yeah no, we definitely don’t have any ocean creatures in the lake. So when do we leave?

(S) I have to sweep out the garage and put some dishes in the dishwasher but then I’ll be ready

(G) So like an hour?

(S)No, probably about 6-8 hours?

(G) What? Why?

(G) Before I sweep out the garage I have to pick up all of the loose hay and bundle it back into a bail so the birds won’t fly off with it and then I have to hand-wash the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher because if you don’t hand-wash them first you’ll probably find bits of food stuck to forks and plates and pickle jars and tuna tins – which need to be soaked in hot water with Dawn dish soap, the tuna tins that is, so the oil dissipates before putting the liquid down the drain and putting the tin in the dishwasher, and then I have to wait for the dishwasher to run through a cycle and shut off so there’s no risk of an electrical fire

(G) OK, I’ll be drinking wine and watching karaoke videos, let me know when you’re ready

14/03/2025