Hair Like Jesus was the name of the original barbershop in Nazareth. It took a while for business to pick-up because most people didn’t find hair styling/cutting to be a worthwhile expenditure. Eventually, maybe a decade before Jesus’ untimely death, the Caesar cut began to make waves throughout the Roman Empire. And while Tiberius didn’t wear this hair style, many of his adjutants and numerous Roman celebrities did. This was the period when the first t-shirts were printed with the JSMH & JCMH labels (Jesus Styles My Hair & Jesus Cuts My Hair). There were also hair-cutting disciples who would set-up pop-up barber stations throughout Judea, Samaria, & Galilee; many of them would hang a sign that read “Cutting Hair For Jesus”. This proved to be the zenith for Jesus’ popularity in the Roman Empire.
Jesus was not the only person to join the new profession. There were a number of high-profile individuals who took up the trade, to include the Holy Spirit. Most of these endeavors were short-(o)lived but there were two who pushed Jesus to constantly up his game. Peter, the disgruntled former trainer and assistant general manager for Pontius Pilate (at Pilate’s Pilates Provisions) cut a mean high and tight and was also very skilled at making curls work with, rather than against, the client’s facial attributes. Whereas the Holy Spirit used techniques that highlighted their spatial-awareness of skulls skill set while creating subtle differences between the stylings and hems of them and Jesus.
There are hundreds of wonderful parables, fables, and historically semi-accurate/articulate stories that give us a closer look at what the hair cutting industry was like during Jesus 1st run on earth. I’ve compiled a short list of some of my favorites, below. Most of these are available online from www.wwjr.bib; or if traveling, you can find brick & mortar sites of What Would Jesus Read: A Genesis of RevelationZ – Book Store, Snack Bar, & Spirits – in New York City, Los Angeles, New Orleans, Chicago, & Baltimore.
Aside from the cutting and styling copycats, a number of professions emerged from the hair biz. Landscape design outfits and nail salons would spring forth seemingly overnight in neighborhood strip malls from Byzantium (Istanbul) to Yathrib (Madinah). Other, more esoteric ventures, e.g. exercise emporiums and makeover takeover palaces, had their 15 minutes of fame before fading away – like Tim Scott post inauguration. I’ve included several of these enterprises after the story section. In all, this period of early business history was less important for what it accomplished than for what it revealed; human nature’s desire for a more pleasing aesthetic goes back millennia. Be it a cut & color, a freshly groomed guinea pig or a well manicured fig tree, we prefer that which is easy on the eyes.
1/2 Truths, Tales, & Unchronicled Notes from the final decade of Christ in Palestine
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Hairy Stories from Jesus’ Barbershop:
•The Truth Behind The Long-Haired Hippie Style of Rōmmies & Why Caesars wore the Caesar cut
•The Hair Sweepers of Ancient Samaria
•Hair Stylist School as Post-Water-Gathering option: Aveda before it was Aveda
•That one time Jesus shaved, #2 – 2nd 2 None, into The Holy Spirit’s head
•Jesus’ use of mechanical shears before electricity
•Jesus Dyed my hair, but he didn’t die for my hair
•Jesus cut Delilahs hair before she cut Sampson’s hair
•Jesus fucked up the money changers because they didn’t tip him after getting their hair cut
•Mary & Joseph got free haircuts when Jesus achieved the title of Master Hair Stylist – but they still payed for the color tints
•Thomas doubted Jesus could give him a feathered look – & Jesus wept. But then, Thomas let Jesus cut his hair & he doubted nevermore, or at least until the YOLO controversy
•Before the Last Supper, Jesus offered all of his disciples a free haircut; they all took him up on the offer excepting Philip, he had recently gotten his hair styled by Mary Magdalene – she was secretly supporting Philip’s fashion designer dreams in exchange for his company
•Jesus first job cutting hair was in a salon called Capillus Secare
•Jesus once gave me a coupon for 10% off my next visit – good for the purchase of product or haircut; I used the coupon for the shearing of my sheep 🙂 Jesus wept.
•Jesus barbershop was the most popular in Palestine because it offered complementary wine & unleavened leavened flatbread
•The Holy Spirit, Jesus’ right hand spirit, extended special discounted laundry services if you were getting a cut & color
•God The Spirit is sort of like Vodka – both spiritual, both worshipped/revered, & both enjoyed with orange juice on Sunday mornings
•Jesus favorite thing to tell customers was “Healthy Hair is Happy Hair”
Gaius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, a.k.a.Caligula/Gaius, often heard this when, as a child, he accompanied his father on hair-cutting errands. As Gaius lost his hair, he came to despise the saying and, by extension, Jesus and all of his long-haired customers/followers. However, after the crucifixion, Caligula had a change of heart. His appreciation for the work done by Jesus and Christ’s love for all people (well, all people who weren’t uber-wealthy assholes) touched Gaius in a way he wasn’t accustomed to. He spent his years as Emperor advocating for a complete expungement of Jesus’ criminal record, while eradicating the MAGAesque Senators who were prone to outlandish conspiracy theories and regularly quoted Diogenes of Sinope. Caligula, like all Caesars, was a complex fellow.
Things the Bible never told you:
•Jesus uses the iPhone, in his 2nd act, to contact non-believers, it shows up as JSPAM, which many Midwesterners assume is Jalapeno SPAM and so they don’t answer
•Jesus wasn’t a baker by trade, his unleavened flatbreads ended up airy & delightful (leavened with no leavening agent and seasoned perfectly every time), not what local foodies expected nor desired. Local chefs heckled him but Martha & Mary of Bethany would eat 8-10 of these earliest taboon breads each week. And Judas Iscariot set up a stall next to the barbershop & began selling the bread (and giving it away to the poor and oppressed, as instructed by Jesus). The stall never sold out; Jesus used his multiplication of loaves trick to keep bread stocked 24/7.
•Jesus trimmed trees, & hair, & livestock by appointment. He didn’t allow animals larger than a standard ram or ewe in the shop but he had 6 stanchions out back and could accommodate additional animals at his home in Nazareth
•Jesus, Mary, & Joseph Cabinetry & Contracting Services LLC (JMJCCS) was a short lived business venture due to customers’ complaints of Jesus’ constant preaching to them about the importance of not wearing garments that contained both wool and linen
•Luke’s Landscape Designs (L.L.D.) was so successful that it still exists today – you know it better as Lowe’s
•Mathew’s Mani-Pedi Mart (MMPM) doubled as a social club for Mani-Pedi Men (MPM). Mani-Pedi Men were known throughout the Roman Empire for their fabulous shows performing song and dance. Dressed in robes of silk adorned with red diamonds and rubies and and green onyx and emeralds (now you know where the Christmas color palette originated) their shows drew crowds similar to what one saw in the most popular coliseum events
•Mark’s Makeover Palace (MMP) was the first licensed clinic, in the world, to provide gender affirming care. Mark’s oldest sibling, Joanna, was his first client and the reason he decided to open the clinic. In addition to hormone replacement therapy and puberty blockers, the clinic offered voice therapy, social service navigation, and mental health professionals available day and night
•John’s House of Jellos, Jaffa Oranges, & Jams (JHJJOJ) turned every meal into a celebration. With the addition of citrus jellies, pâtés, teas, condiments, sauces, relishes and more, the days of bland falafel sandwiches and disappointing dolma were over. John passed away, unexpectedly, eaten by a destruction of caracal. Nevertheless, his ideas for fruit as primary subject, rather than side or accompaniment is carried on at Frog Hollow Farm.
•Saul’s Balls: Party Planning Services for Galas, Soirées, Receptions, Reunions, Balls, and social gatherings of all types went the way of the Dodo long before the Dodo was killed off. Saul was caught hand-laundering money and was convicted for financially supporting the up and coming Zhou Dynasty (China) in exchange for the secret Zhou method of making 27 layer jello
•King David’s Royal Dry-Sand-Cleaning, Sword Sharpening, Robe Repair, & Artisanal Hummus Bowls shops were the primary economic driver of Judah’s amazing quarter century of 7%+ annual growth rate. After King David’s death, King Solomon attempted to stay the course, economically, but due to the grass pollens and ragweed allergen plagues, Judah’s growth rate never topped 4.3%.
•Sampson & Delilah’s Salon & Extreme Xercise Emporium (S&D’sSEXE) almost made it to America. They had a SEXE Club in London, when the Puritans made their first trip to the “new world”. The Puritans needed more money to secure a 2nd boat and S&D had the funds. They agreed to chip-in for the boat in exchange for a ride for the 3 owners, 5 employees and 14 pieces of club equipment. Less than 50 miles out of London, the S&D folk were thrown overboard. The equipment was spared and was stored in a pole shed just north of Salem. 100 years later a proper building was constructed and the club was once again active with a few minor changes – including the name – most call it The Y.
•Archangel Allen’s Art Supplies & Aphrodisiacs was very popular with the Groths, a group of younger people who wore earth tones, primarily brown and green. Unfortunately, Allen succumbed to the allure of great riches and repute. The last time anyone saw him he was riding away on a pale green horse.
